Swimming battle

[somethingunpredictable2012]

DD has been attending swimming lessons since she was a toddler. She’s now 9 and has moved up through the stages cautiously but well (she is a very cautious child - anything new takes her time to get comfortable with). She has now progressed to one of the higher levels which requires swimming in the deep end of the pool. The first lesson was a disaster as she asked to swim along the edge of the pool as she was nervous which the teacher allowed for 2 lengths. The teacher then told her to go in the middle of the group away from the edge as she said the teacher said she is “confident and doesn’t need to be near the edge”. DD did as asked but got scared and completely panicked midway across, bumped into another swimmer, got herself to the side and got out in tears and refused to get back in. We tried going a further 2 times but she cried and refused to get in the pool. I sit and watch every week and offer her encouragement but since then she will only participate in lessons in the lower level group and refuses to move up. She absolutely loves her swimming lessons and doesn’t want to quit, but won’t move up to the next class either. She quite happily swims in the deep end for a couple of lengths with her current group and is a very capable swimmer, but always near the edge and stops frequently in the deep end (I have had a word with current teacher and they are doing this to help build her confidence). But this has been going on for a year now and she has “passed” this level 8 times. She also goes swimming in the deep end (same pool) with myself and DH and although she loves it and will jump in, she refuses to swim and clings to the side or uses floats. On holiday she also won’t swim (even though she can), she just clings to the side or uses the ladder to go under water and back up again and she missed out on playing with the other children because she got upset because they were all swimming and she was too scared to.
I really want her to progress to swimming confidently and I feel it’s a bit of a waste of money paying for lessons for her to keep doing the same thing over and over again and making no progress, however when I have said she may have to stop going because there is only so many times she can repeat the same level, she gets really upset. She does other activities outside of school including exams and does these and progresses with no problems. I thought maybe given time she would decide to move to the next level and would have built up a bit more confidence but she has a complete block about it. It is now becoming a weekly problem because she gets angry (because she is worried) and upset on the day of her swimming lesson (I think because she is nervous of passing or someone else in the group moving up) and she gets distraught every time she “passes” or someone moves up or if I mention the other group. She is still adamant she wants to go to swimming lessons but it’s upsetting us both on a weekly basis and is getting too much. I’m thinking it might be better to stop the lessons altogether seeing as staying in the same lesson is still causing a weekly meltdown now!
Has anyone experienced anything similar and has any suggestions of how I could try to help her overcome this and build her confidence in deep water?

Can she do some 1-1s instead of swimming lessons? My daughter was a bit like this (but admittedly much younger) and the 1-1s helped. There isnt much point point keep going to an activity that causes tension especially if she has other activities going on. But it would help to get over the fear - keeping her in a lower class isn't doing that so I'd save the money from cancelling and do 1-1s with a good teacher with that in mind.

My ds lost his confidence and refused to go to swimming lessons for a while. We stopped the lessons and joined a gym so we could take him all the time and build his confidence away from the pressure of the lessons. He is a very confident swimmer now.
It sounds like it is also a confidence issue for your dd rather than ability. If she is loving the lessons I would continue but don't pressure her to move up and just try and take her a lot yourselves and try and make it as fun as possible, that's what worked for us.

Tell her (and mean it) that if she doesn't start actually swimming, and in the level she's meant to be, then you're stopping her lessons, let her get upset about it, she needs to learn she can't have her own way all the time, especially when lessons are so expensive. My DC are all in lessons and I'm more than happy to pay for them but only if they are actually going to do what they're supposed to be doing

I absolutely wouldn't blame her and make her feel bad about lack of confidence to be honest - If she is lacking confidence just telling her she has to buck up really won't work!

I think you need to take her out of lesson time and get her to know she is fine in the deep end.

In all honesty she doesn’t sound safe in the water if she can’t cope in the deep end. It sounds like she’s achieved quite a high level but she likely wouldn’t have done in our pool (they seem to go in the big pool from stage 3 and deep end from stage 4). What level has she passed 8 times? It might be worth getting her assessed at a different pool? It also sounds like the teacher has maybe been a bit harsh about not letting her get comfortable and go near the edge. The ones newly moved up in ours do seem to start near the edge and the more confident ones in the middle.

I’d just stop the lessons it’s supposed to be fun learning, and just take her yourself remove the pressure and you may find the issue solves itself with time. Just keep encouraging, I hit a block at that age mainly as I was scared of my teacher. I became a far more competent swimmer as I got older.

Perhaps take a break from swimming lessons for now, on the grounds that she's finished the lower class, so there's no point in going until she feels brave enough to be in the higher one. When you restart, make sure the teacher is well aware of the history. A different teacher would be best, as then there won't be the associated memory of being asked to do something she felt she couldn't.

My DD was petrified of the deep water. They kept her in the shallow end group until she was more than ready to move up, and her teacher when she started in the deep end was brilliant. She let her stay next to the wall until she was ready to move away, and she also got her to go first on everything, so that she wasn't standing worrying. She did cry, the first lesson, but I think just that once. (I made sure I wasn't watching that week, so she couldn't see me.)

I would stop the lessons and take her for fun for a bit, with small rewards for trying a bit longer just out of depth each time.

Its a mental block, punishment won't work. I needs time and reassurance.

Just stop the lessons and take her swimming as a fun thing to do together. Confidence is about time and maturity. More lessons and pressure will just make her stressed.

Thanks for all replies. It’s good to hear others have had a similar experience and eventually got past it. Ultimately I just want her to be confident and happy in the water and I don’t think continuing to push it is helping. We didn’t go this week and I think stopping lessons for a while and just going for fun seems like the best solution. She is disappointed when I suggest stopping lessons but really isn’t happy going either at the moment, so I think I need to just tell her we are having a break and then maybe see how she feels about it after having a break for a while 😀

I know this isn't helpful now but I would always recommend private small group lessons. You must have spent thousands over the six or so years and it doesn't sound like your child can swim confidently. If you can manage it just now, I would still recommend some private lessons to build her confidence and get her a bit safer. I hope get experience hasn't dented her enjoyment too much, swimming is a lifelong activity you can always come back to if the foundations are in place.

I would stop the lessons and just take her swimming. Let her do it at her own pace.

My DD got very frightened in a swimming lesson which was part of an intensive summer course when the teacher forced her to swim a width when she was visibly exhausted and she couldn't touch the bottom. I could see she was frightened and struggling in the water. In the same lesson the teacher ducked her after seeing she didn't like getting water on her head. I was in the viewing gallery so couldn't get to her. She cried silent tears for over an hour afterwards and was properly traumatised. I made a complaint and the pool offered some private 1 to 1s with a lovely kind instructor that helped a little. We then quit lessons for about a year and afterwards joined a swim school with an instructor who does small groups in a private pool and focuses on kids with SEN or who are struggling with fear of water. I also paid extortionate amounts of money for a membership for DD, DS and the childminder to a lovely pool at a local hotel where she felt safe in the water. It's been a long and expensive journey but she is a decent swimmer now and enjoys the water. Time, patience and money!