Advice needed from parents with kids in elite sport regarding other parents

[Homeontherangeuk]

My dd is nearly 9 & has been accepted onto an elite gymnastics programme & moved to the top junior squad in her club.. So basically since that happened I've had friends requests on fb & insta from parents of other gymnasts in her age group from around the uk.. I would only know these parents to smile & say hi at at comps... Now I'm getting private messages asking what comps dd is planning to attend etc & I'm like wtf... Another mom I wouldn't know also followed me on insta & messaged to say she was delighted for dd progressing so quickly, so well deserved etc but another child didn't deserve her placing as she's always over marked... Wtf... Please experienced sports or dance parents advice me on the best practice regarding protecting my child & me from gossip & also politely steering clear of thes mom's...
also posted on aibu as it gets more footfall *

Can you accept the friendship requests (so as not to ostracise yourself) but then put them on restricted access so you keep them at arms length?

Just be quite breezy with the other parents, my answer was always along the lines of “is that right? Oh I don’t know this is his sport not mine, I’m just the taxi service haha” your daughters coaches will know more than all of these parent/experts put together so try to take no notice, nice to have someone to chat to at events though…..just keep trying to move the topic away from your kids whenever possible? Having said that I never received Facebook friend requests from outside of his club

A wide network can be very helpful, but be very selective about the information you share and assume that it will be passed on to others. Stay out of gossip, if they are talking about others to you, assume they are doing the same about you! Having a ‘gym’ Instagram that is separate from your private account allows you to network and share, while being very selective about who sees what. You do want to have connections in the gym world, as it can be lonely as a parent at comps as your child gets older and more independent.

Thanks for the advice, it's all very sound... The sudden interest in us & thd over friendliness has made me feel very uncomfortable, I want to protect dd as best I can & don't want us to be gossiped about

I’m a dance parent.

Networking with other mums was invaluable as there is so much to learn (vocational school auditions, scholarships, summer school opportunities and even the existence of free NHS specialist injury clinics) and sometimes it’s nice to just chat. But you do have to make sure you only say what you dint mind anyone knowing as it’s a very small world.

I would really like to have a gym mum friend but I don't think I could trust any intentions... I got a msg from one mum I've never met but her dd is also on the UK national development squad... "Heya gun, wow you're little darlings on fire at the mó, really tearing it up! How many hours is she putting in? Does your club do privates"? I've never met her but the over friendliness & questions make me feel very uncomfortable

Just ignore them, Homeontherange (I had never before heard of 'elite sports' by the way but now I get what they are). It sounds like a gossipy world of which I wouldn't want to be a part. Take your daughter alone but don't get involved - you're too busy, etc, with a smile.

Congratulations! It sounds as though your daughter is doing really well.

Thanks @maggiesfarm, she really loves it & is making great progress.. We're doing our best to protect her in a brutal sport, doing a good job so far & hadn't factored in the social media mums, I'll ignore & give them a wide berth

Be wary of coming across as stand offish. As your DD gets older she will interact far more with other gym girls, and you don’t want to have gained a reputation of both being unfriendly.

The other mums are a mine of information, as Comefromaway has said, and their questions and networking mean they know a lot about opportunities etc. Just be aware that the information that you share with them is also shared with the wider group. It is how the networking works. Maggiesfarm has already said, she’s not from an elite sport background, so is working on perceptions from outside. It’s not the ‘tantrums and tiaras’ style vipers nest that people may assume!

These people have dc who are in direct competition with yours. They are not your friends. Stay friendly but non-committal, and keep well out of any discussions regarding who did or didn't do well, what their marks were, whether it was fair or not etc. Try not to offer an opinion or agree with some one else's, especially not if it was uncomplimentary.
Give the impression that you don't know or understand very much at all and you won't go far wrong.

Thanks I'm going to be very vague but polite... I just don't want to get into the gossiping about 9 year olds & their parents...

I think it's probably similar for parents of children who are performing at a high level in anything whether that's elite sport, chess, music, maths or whatever. Other parents in the same field can be your allies and biggest champions, may share opportunities that suit your DC and gush/commiserate over placings/results in a way that other friends don't. Their DCs may be direct competitors to yours but that doesn't mean the parents have to pit themselves against each other... it's an opportunity to model the sort of behaviour and interactions you want your DD to have with others on the circuit.

Be friendly and encouraging, accept and give compliments/congratulations, share opportunities/recommendations with others, ask for advice re: equipment, hairstyles, accommodation etc. but don't get drawn into criticising coaches, judges, other parents or DCs. Consider setting up an Instagram account that is solely about gymnastics (possibly a private account so you vet followers) so it's separate from your personal one. With Facebook, make use of the audience function that allows the selection of specific groups of people for each post. That way, it's possible to limit gym contacts' access to your more general posts as well as knowing that there's a group of people who are likely to be genuinely interested in seeing yet another post about DD's training/competitions.

Great advice thank you! I'm a suspicious person by nature & I'm just wary of why they are trying to befriend me so quickly, I've never even said hi to the majority of them nor them to me...!

Insta parents and insta kids is very much a thing in elite sports. Lots of bragging & raising kids media profiles as well as networking. This is coupled with sponsorship deals for kids and also a hive of gossip! Just go in with eyes wide open.

Thanks for all the great advice. I've taken it all on board