School peers 'following' DC to extra-curricular sport club

[stickygotstuck]

Sorry, didn't know how else to explain it, but 'following' her is how it feels!

DD started an out-of-school sports club in Y6, partly to help with exclusion issues by her peers in her very small primary school from Y5 onwards. Her confidence had been badly affected but she loved the sports club.

Between the course of Y6 and now in Y7, three other children from her old school have joined the club one by one. After the third one joined a couple of weeks ago, DD is reluctant to go and is thinking of quitting. Unfortunately , they are all now in the same (large) secondary school.

DD started the club to get away from school, to have her own thing. She loved it, she felt like she belonged and often commented on how nice everybody was.

What can we do to stop DD wanting to quit? I don't think it's fair that she stops something she loves because of this.

Unless they are being actively unpleasant to your DD at the out of school club then I think she needs to learn some resilience and not quit things she enjoys because there are some people there she dkesnt get on with especially if there are also people there she does get on with. 11/12 years old is old enough to know you can't be friends with everyone but you can be civil.

Thanks Hello.

I agree with you, but the thing is, she is quite resilient, she's had to be or she would not have coped with primary. In fact, we asked if she wanted to change schools and she decided to stick it out. She's had it drummed into her from a young age, which became handy when she was bullied by exclusion from before the age of 9. She is great at getting on with people she doesn't actually like because she's had to.

She coped very well with peer number 1 joining, with number 2 joining (who is generally unpleasant and disruptive), but number 3 has hit her harder because they were friendly in primary but she's been blanking her for no apparent reason from the beginning of secondary.

It's probably bad luck, but these kids knew DD was there and they seemed to dislike her. Why join the same club? It's a team.

She feels pushed aside (again) from 'her' territory, so to speak. I'm not sure what to suggest so she doesn't feel like that.

It's annoying but I know here there are very few options for clubs so inevitable really. I doubt they're following her. I always say to dd to try one more week (and keep saying it every week) and nine times out of ten it works out ok. They'll probably start talking again and all will be fine. Only today my 15 year old told me a girl from primary who used to randomly punch and kick her is "quite nice now". I can't forgive and forget myself but it's surprising how they can.

Thanks Cipot

Yes, it's probably a case of limited options. The club was a minority thing, but has gradually become more popular.

I'll adopt the 'you have to give it until the end of term' approach I think.

You made me smile with not being able to forgive and forget, neither can I! It's heartbreaking to see them struggle.

I completely understand you op.
Either the pupils following your Dd are oblivious that they are having an impact with their presence, or they do know and will stay just for the enjoyment of having the power of being able to upset your dd.

Resilience is bollocks. My ds had the floor wiped with his confidence, but the school chirruped about resilience meaning he plodded into school everyday and put up with shit maki g life easier for school staff.. The pupils who bullied him were never tackled about it, school dealt with incidents as weakly as they could as standalone issues and refused to take bullying as a bigger problem.

Has your dd any way of being able to suss out if they have joined to antagonise her or if they are just going along anyway?

Yes it is heartbreaking watching them go through these things. And I agree with Joy, if it is really affecting her confidence, I wouldn't force the issue. But it can be a bit empowering to keep going and see if things turn round. Also to not let others put you off an activity you like.

Thanks Joy, and sorry that your DS had such a tough time. I think sometimes schools will do anything for an easy life.

That's just it, when you try to be reasonable, not over react, tell the kids to try and handle it (ie resilience) it's as if you are inviting people to walk all over you. We are not the type of parents who go complaining to the school or whatever every five minutes, but I can't see why a child should shut up and put up.

I'm not sure if DD can find out id it's intentional, but up to a degree it doesn't really matter. The dynamics have changed whatever the reason and she's not happy there anymore. Hoping it improves, but I don't want to insist she goes every week to a place that makes her unhappy. I guess we'll have to ser a deadline, see how it goes.

Thanks Cipot, that's just it. It's just hard to know when they are working towards empowerment and when they are getting ground down.

We'll have to keep a close eye.

Can you talk to someone at the club? Let them know that she has suffered long term bullying from this group of children so they can keep an eye out and stop it quickly if anything happens.

The club should have a bullying policy and basic sports safeguarding training includes bullying as a safeguarding issue.

If she was previously happy there it would be a shame if she gave up. Especially when there’s no guarantee the others will stick it out and not leave the club.

If it’s a team sport surely the club won’t want children who disrupt things and aren’t team players!

Thank you Barbeasty.

I don't want to go all guns blazing just yet. Child no. 3 has only been there 3 weeks. But if it deteriorates, I'll definitely have a word. If it’s a team sport surely the club won’t want children who disrupt things and aren’t team players - my thinking precisely.

Sometimes I wish school bullying was about pushing and shoving, rather than the sneaky, butter-wouldn't-melt, it-wasn't-me type DD has experienced. When I finally talked to her primary teacher, she was amazed that there was a problem. And this school was tiny. Not only that, DD was initially blamed by the TA for not being a team player. You couldn't make it up!

As a result, I am always vigilant now but don't want to make an issue of things if they'll resolve themselves. I guess it all depends on how these three interact among themselves.

If she does well with the sport os there any chance of being promoted to a squad or join a bigger club once she has achieved a level? Can she show them how good she is as a way to gain confidence?

I don't want to go all guns blazing just yet. Child no. 3 has only been there 3 weeks. But if it deteriorates, I'll definitely have a word

Don't wait - have a word now. Nip any nonsense in the bud right now and maybe if these kids have deliberately joined to be a pain, they can be told right away that they can leave again with that notion.

I completely get it, my son went to an out of town athletics club and a sixth form college that was further away to be away from people at school. Fortunately for him, although a few did go to the same college, they were people he either didn't know could get on with and did get on with.

Also know the butter wouldn't melt in the mouth issue - at both primary and secondary teachers were taken in by golden boy bully. You'd think they'd be wise to it, but both schools fell for it. To be fair, once the secondary school realised, they acted very quickly. Primary school were a bit rubbish.

Can I ask, have there actually been issues at the club? Are these 3 being difficult and unkind whilst at the club or is your daughter anticipating that and reacting accordingly?
The stuff at school does sound pretty rubbish but kids do behave differently in different environments.
I would speak to the organisers just to make them aware so they can be vigilant and put a quick stop to any problems.

Does she have friends within the sport group? If so could you maybe focus on strengthening her ties with her other team mates (eg invite a team mate for dinner after practice). That way maybe she works on building relationships with people she likes and gets belonging that way. Rather than focusing on the others (unless they start actively bullying/isolating her again):