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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

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Original poster

Is there anything to be gained from 'forcing' DS to continue with piano lessons

18 replies

ZigZagToTheBeach · 14/10/2020 21:49

DS11 has been learning to play the piano for 3 years and having lessons for 2.5 years. Over the last year he has increasingly complained about his lessons to the point that he now becomes really very upset before and after the lesson and gets very wound up and agitated during the lesson. Practising is better but he does the bare minimum and I wouldn't say he's enjoying it. I have suggested to him that I find him a different teacher but he says he just wants to quit. Is there any benefit in encouraging him to continue? DH and I can't agree 😬 I feel that we are teaching him to hate and resent playing and most certainly not instilling a love of music. This has been steadily building for a year and is not getting any better. I also want DS to feel that once he starts secondary school and there are so many more opportunities available, he can try something out without the fear that he'll be forced to continue if he hates it. DH is worried that this will leave him with 'only' playing football for a local team, swimming lessons which he will be stopping in the summer, and Scouts. He also says that DS doesn't appear to have a passion for anything in particular and by stopping piano it is taking away the opportunity for it to become a passion ( seriously, how is this going to happen when he currently hates it). So, do we 'allow' DS to quit piano lessons or not yet?

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 14/10/2020 21:56

I’d vote for letting him quit. He sounds utterly miserable with it and certainly won’t learn anything in that frame of mind. Has he ever enjoyed it? If yes, it could be worth reminding him of that, but if it’s always been a chore... a hobby or interest should bring fun and happiness. If football is his passion, so be it.

JJsDinerWaffles · 14/10/2020 21:57

As a piano teacher I’d say yes, allow him to quit. Music should be enjoyable! Is there another instrument he’d be interested in? Piano is such a good foundation for other instruments.

ivykaty44 · 14/10/2020 21:58

What is your dh passion? Just curious

CountessFrog · 14/10/2020 21:58

My eldest persevered to grade 5 with a distinction at every level. She’s glad she did. We then have her a choice. She plays piano much more since she quit lessons.

Youngest was like your son. Persevered to grade one and allowed her to stop. She’s never regretted it

BackforGood · 14/10/2020 22:00

I agree with Crafty

It's not like he hasn't given it a good go, and it's not like he doesn't have any interests or hobbies

Fourmagpies · 14/10/2020 22:06

My mum made me keep going and I eventually took my grade 8 and I love that I can play the piano whenever I feel like it - though I'm probably not much good these days as rarely play! BUT I didn't get to the stage where I really hated it. If he's really not enjoying it, there's no point forcing it. He's more likely to go back to it at a later stage if he isn't forced to keep going. My DS2 doesn't have a hobby or keen interest, he goes to scouts and though he likes swimming, he doesn't do any sport competitively.

Okki · 14/10/2020 22:07

My DS I'd almost 11 and plays in a brass band. He got upset about his lessons etc like your DS. We said he could stop. Last week he said he'd like to try a different instrument (still brass) and he's loving it again. Though he did still see his older sister having lessons etc so he was still exposed to it. Is your DS having face to face lessons or are they over Skype? Maybe just let him have a break and perhaps suggest if he fancies it he could look at either starting again or changing instrument when he goes to secondary?

He also won't want to be doing lots of extra curricular with secondary anyway as they get so much more homework and are more tired. You'll probably find that Football and scouts will be fine on their own.

Good luck.

Okki · 14/10/2020 22:08

Probably not that clear that my DS did have a break of some weeks.

lentilsforlunch · 14/10/2020 22:10

There is something to be said though for persevering through a tough patch - I'd try bribery for practice and a different teacher for a trial period (if you can find one)

Original poster

ZigZagToTheBeach · 14/10/2020 22:11

Thanks for being the sounding board I need everyone!

@Craftycorvid he enjoyed playing initially and actually learnt with just me (never played piano) going through the first Ten Fingers books with him. He enjoys trying to play pieces from You Tube videos where coloured lines go down to the note to be played. He never sticks at it long enough to play the piece properly though.

@JJsDinerWaffles he has shown no interest in other instruments despite plenty of exposure at school. We also have a guitar at home but I'm not sure he's ever even picked it up.

@ivykaty44 DH has several passions and hobbies. Cycling, hiking, running, gardening, his allotment, Raspberry Pi.... He has tried to learn the guitar independently but hasn't stuck at it

OP posts:

caughtalightsneeze · 14/10/2020 22:13

I'm a really keen amateur musician and did my exams up to grade 8. I went through a phase of hating it but my mum wouldn't let me quit. I then changed teacher and regained my love for it and would never have considered stopping. Thing is, I didn't realise at the time that it was the lessons that were making me hate it. My teacher was a lovely lady, but she was a terrible terrible teacher and everything was a struggle and it was crushing my confidence. With a good teacher I thrived.

So...maybe a change of teacher would be worth a try as one last shot? But having said that, there is no shame in quitting and little to be gained in continuing if it is stressing him out.

My own daughter gave up around that age because she just didn't enjoy it. I had hoped she would share my love of playing but she just didn't.

ivykaty44 · 14/10/2020 22:21

So not sticking to a musical instrument isn’t just his sons fortay, best to try it and move on

I’d tell dh son is unlikely to find a hobby to be passionate about whilst he’s thrashing the keys of the piano in desperation

LindaEllen · 14/10/2020 22:21

I'd say get his lessons cancelled, but perhaps buy him some books of music he really enjoys playing for practice. You don't have to have lessons to enjoy playing, and he's learned the basics so he shouldn't slip into bad habits.

It's a difficult age, and you never know, he might well go back to it when he's older.

Being able to play the piano is a wonderful thing, but music should always be done for the love of it, not because someone is telling you to do it.

Moominmammacat · 17/10/2020 11:23

What standard is he? Some children (one of mine included) just never improve. If he shows no aptitude, why struggle?

floppybit · 17/10/2020 11:46

God no please don't force him to continue! As a child my mum forced me to learn the violin, I fucking hate the violin! I really resent her doing this and she was doing this to please herself and not me. Your son is his own person. If your husband feels so strongly about this he should learn to play it himself!!!!!

orangenasturtium · 17/10/2020 12:26

I agree with you that going to lessons that he hates isn't going to help him find his passion. It sounds like still he enjoys playing songs from YouTube though so maybe it is worth working out what it is he hates about lessons before giving up entirely. It might not be playing piano that he dislikes, it could be the teacher, he doesn't enjoy the music they play or he is finding it hard to progress, even struggling with reading music.

I was probably about the keenest musician ever as a teenager and I had an excellent teacher at about the same age but we just didn't click and I stopped making progress for a while. DS's absolute passion is guitar but at 11 he gave up after his first term of lessons (that he begged for) because he didn't get on with the teacher, he taught himself to play a couple of years later. He also had a phase where he hated violin lessons because it meant catching up on schoolwork (they were at school) or missing break/lunch time, so he switched to after school lessons. He then got fed up with exams so his lovely teacher just switched to playing duets and having fun in the lessons for a while (we all agreed he should keep lessons up as by that point he was doing GCSE music).

Can you find out exactly what your DS dislikes about lessons and see if it is something that can be solved? He might prefer the Trinity Rock & Pop syllabus to classical music, as enjoys playing songs on the Internet. Or he might enjoy jazz, you only need to be able to lay a few chords to start learning to improvise. Keyboards are technically easier to play than piano, he might prefer to change. They are also more portable. Piano is not the most sociable instrument, he might have more fun playing with other kids. Our local authority has rock and jazz groups, as well as classical.

Fourmagpies · 18/10/2020 06:17

It's interesting what caughtalightsneeze said about changing teachers. I had a really cool jazz teacher and that really helped, we played some great music, though we are talking 30ish years ago and I know piano music has moved on a bit so hopefully they're not still just teaching classical pieces. It might be worth finding another teacher and see how he gets on. We have an amazing teacher locally, with a big personality, I've often been tempted to start lessons again with him.

cockneygirl · 18/10/2020 21:53

My DS hates classical music but is a big fan of movie music. He hates practising but he has a natural musical talent. He isn’t very technical but plays by memory and ear. The last exam was a bad Trinity exam experience at grade 3 so we stopped the grades and he is around grade 5 on a good day.

So he decides what film music he would like to learn and I have a look on musicnotes website for the right arrangement. Currently it’s a very technical arrangement of pirates of the carribean. And ultimately if he was rubbish and didn’t have a natural aptitude he would have stopped a long time ago. However he is quite good and so I have to nag him to practise but I think he does enjoy it but nobody likes practising. Especially teenage boys.

Also having a good piano teacher helps. I think his sight reading is awful because his first piano teacher just played it over and over and he just listened hard. And during lockdown he had one awful guy (over zoom) who just played at him without really listening and checking on what he was playing. Over 6 yrs he has had 5 teachers - only 2 really understood him. His current teacher is a singer-songwriter, really talented, cool musician who doesn’t worry about scales, happy for him to play whatever he wants and is always positive. They get on well.

But really does he play well and have a natural feeling for it? Sometimes it’s just not there and nothing will make it happen.

Conversely with all the kids used to iPads they can do the minimum and just watch videos of other people endlessly doing stuff. Sometimes leaning and putting the time in is valuable so they understand not everything is automatic.

Maybe find some music, pop, Ed Sheeran, Adele that he would like to learn and see how that goes. Or if he is a Harry Potter fan try the theme music.

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