Should we just stop the lessons?

[christinarossetti19]

Two dc. Eldest aged 13 has been learning piano for 5 years. Plods through her practice with nagging. Never plays for fun. Stopped doing exams after grade 3, now about grade 5. Refuses to entertain the idea of doing grade 5 theory and doesn't want to do anymore practical exams (I don't care about them doing practicals). Picked up cello for a year or so and then stopped, despite making very fast progress.

Youngest very, very musical but with mild SEN which makes reading music difficult. Have tried with a variety of instruments, has now been playing violin for 3 years. Have to nag to practice. Lacks confidence though is a comfortable grade 3.

Both have been having lessons online during lock down and enthusiasm has really dipped. I'm fairly sure that if we said to both of them that they didn't have to do lessons anymore that they'd just stop and probably never look back with regret.

I don't feel quite ready to do that. If they had done some performances and had live lessons, I'm sure that they would be more engaged. But if remote lessons are going on indefinitely as seems to be the case, maybe there's little point in the soul destroying experience of nagging for minimal practice?

I don't know. Have others just stopped, counted the extra cash in their pockets and thought 'well we gave them the opportunity' without regretting it?

Background, I'm not particularly musical and never had the chance to learn an instrument. Dh is quite musical and is currently learning piano - the children see him practising every day, so it's not as though they're short of a role model!

I'd let it go at this stage. They are both at a high enough level that, if and when they are interested, they would be able to pick it up again, or a different instrument if that's what they preferred.

Your 13 yr old sounds exactly like my 21 yr old when she was 13. We compormised on her agreeing to still go to piano lessons if she didn't have to do exams. Oddly, she then chose music for GCSE. Still not a lot of enthusiasm, but, after her GCSEs, she stopped lessons, and began to really enjoy playing. When she comes home from university now, she's on the piano within about 30mins of getting home. Plays about an hour a day. Also taught herself guitar through looking at lessons on the internet.
Weird.
But lovely to listen too.
dd2 OTOH, just never 'got it' at all, even though she had lessons for about 8 years.

Thanks. I'll see how the summer goes. It seems such a shame to stop, but I guess that most children who learn to stop at some point...

I stopped at 14. I stopped exams at 10 or 11 but my teacher still insisted on making me do the exam pieces (the whole point of stopping exams was to play stuff I was interested in, jazz, musicals etc and my parents told her this repeatedly seeing as they were paying for the lessons) so I just stopped. have hardly played since but I can still just sit down and within about 20 minutes I can play Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff or jazz so even though the highest grade I took was grade 3 and i stopped over 30 years ago I can still play if I really want to.

I would let them stop. I think as parents we have to recognise that what they liked doing when they were younger isn't going to be what they want to do as teenagers or adults.

sorry that should say isn't NECESSARILY what they want to do as teenagers and adults

Can you compromise by having fewer lessons online and practise every other day? And review in 6 months time or something. Lockdown etc has sucked the enjoyment out of everything so it’s maybe not the right time to decide. Online lessons are not great - better than nothing but hard. Is there no chance on the horizon of having a socially-distant lesson in person soon?

PS: do they (normally) play in ensembles? Is there anything they could join at school in due course? Or a local music hub? For my DCs that’s the reason they keep playing their instruments.

Eldest usually plays in steel pan orchestra which although obvs not the piano, does raise interest in music.

Youngest was in a fab ensemble at primary school, and could join the orchestra from September but is very reluctant. Eldest had been too (shy and overwhelmed with starting secondary school mainly) but I'm glad that I pushed as she grew to enjoy ii and wants to go back.

Agree that lockdown has sucked the joy out of everything. Youngest in particular has found zoom lessons unappealing, not helped by his teacher's dodgy internet connection. He will need a new teacher from September anyway as his teacher is a cellist and has gone as far as she can with him with the violin, and I think it does really need to be socially distanced rather than online.

I’d hang on then (just my opinion!) Cellist teaching violin with dodgy internet connection sounds disheartening! It would be sad to give up in these difficult circumstances and then regret it - things will get better, eventually. My DS15 is Grade 8+ on his first instrument and wants to do music as a career but even he has given up with online lessons and practises only when he really wants to as the whole situation has been so shit and he’s lost motivation . I was appalled at first but I know professionals who are feeling the same so I’ve let it go.

(*he has ASD and music has been a lifeline for improving confidence and providing safe social opportunities etc - it’s been way more than just lessons and exams).

Thanks. Yes, his teacher had said that he needs a proper violin teacher just before lock down, but we carried on with her just for the routine and familiarity but probably didn't realise how long it would be for...

That's interesting that your ds has stopped online lessons, even as an accomplished musician who is very enthusiastic about music. Yep, a combination of visual processing disorder, lacking confidence and dodgy internet connection really hasn't helped! Mu ds has a phenomenal musical ear and I pushed through all his lack of confidence to continue with music for similar reasons to you. He had such a great time in his ensemble, one of the small but significant losses of lockdown which we've all had.

Unless they really don't like playing and are begging to quit I would stick with it for now. It sounds like your DS in particular gets a lot out of it. I've been having similar thoughts but I've come to the conclusion that now is not the time to make any hasty decisions. My DD is very keen but DS will only practice a couple of times a week, has done no zoom lessons and frustratingly in normal times won't join any school ensembles (I think lack of confidence in reading unfamiliar music). BUT he does actually enjoy playing and will play happily with his sister, other family, close friends and neighbours on our street (lockdown band!). I may see if I can drop his lessons to one a fortnight as I think it would suit him better and remove the stress for me of trying to push him to practice more than he really wants to.

OP I could have written your post almost word for word 😯 My 2 DC are the exactly the same as your 2.

Dd1 is 11 and has been learning the keyboard for nearly 5 years now. Due to take Grade 3 exam. Dd2 is 8 and has been kerning for about 2 years (no grades though).

I've told both they can stop now, but it does pain me somewhat. Dd2 has especially struggled with the lack of physical lessons. But is now starting to develop more confidence in her own ability ironically 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am the more musical parent though. The opposite to you and your dh 😁

Would your younger child enjoy a folk ensemble learning by ear?

If ensembles are ever a thing again...
Maybe hang on in there until they are?

Just ask them and if they want to stop then stop , it’s hideous being made to have music lessons if you are not that interested and even worse being nagged to practice .

For the violin, have a look at the Benedetti Foundation (they do some general music lessons as well), they've done some online sessions that might appeal.

If they don’t enjoy it why are they doing it ?

My rule is the only compulsory activity is school . My Ds had guitar lessons but now every once in a while will practice a song

Only just seen these replies, thanks all.

They were enjoying learning prior to lock down, that's the point. Zoom classes and no ensembles have really sucked any pleasure out.

Thistly yes if possible that's what I'll try to do. Another suggestion of practice every other day is a good one too thanks.