DD reluctance to do any activities

[stripedmat]

DD is 10. We have a much older DS who loved the activities he chose to do when he was younger, but with DD it’s been a totally different experience.

We’ve never pushed for her to do any particular activities, just provided the opportunity if she showed a real enthusiasm and asked to try. But the result has always been the same- a few weeks of enjoyment and then the sighs, droopiness and tired demeanour start when I mention it’s time to get ready and go to X, Y or Z. DD does find school tiring, but it is difficult to tell how much is genuine tiredness and how much is her reluctance to go to the activity.

DD also seems to like the idea of doing a hobby, but struggles with the commitment involved. For example, she began attending a small, friendly, kids theatre group – loved it to begin with – but when it came round to the annual show (which was put on during a school holiday) she resented the fact that 4 evenings out of a two-week break were to be spent doing the show. She also disliked the additional rehearsals leading up to it. We had made her aware that this would be the case before she started, but she had said she didn’t mind when she started.

We’ve got no desire to make her do things she doesn’t want to do, but it feels like she doesn’t really want to do anything- except ‘chilling’ at home (this means watching TV in her eyes, but we obviously limit her screen-time). I can understand, but I also feel it’s important for her to have something a little more active and social that she can go to that is different to school. This is also not new behaviour- has been the same for several years so not related to inset of puberty I don't think.

Just wondered if anyone else has experienced this and what approach you took? Did you insist on attending an activity for a specific period if your DC asked to do it? How accepting should I be of the preference to be at home (when the chosen activity at home would be screen-related if I allowed it)?

Just feel a bit unsure of the right way forward.

My oldest dd is 12 and she does netball and yoga.

Even the netball is a struggle sometimes. She has never been overly fussed and while she enjoys them she's never keen to do more. She does get up for school at 6am though.

Youngest would do every activity under the sun if I let her though!

I think it takes about 6 months of doing an activity to really enjoy. You start becoming good at whatever skill is being taught, you are no longer the new person etc. It sounds like she wants to quit once the novelty has worn off but before she has made friends that she is excited to see there.

When DD was unsure about continuing dance classes I told her that she had to finish the halfterm because it had already been paid for and then she could quit, by halfterm she always wanted to continue. This pattern carried on until a couple of years later enough was enough. She wasn't progressing with her friends who were in the competition squad and dancing everyday so decided it was time to call it a day.

DD then picked up swimming for a squad which she loves, never complains, swims 5 x a week and spends weekends at galas, she seems more natural at swimming than she was at dance and has made progress a lot quicker.

I think your Dd just needs to find the right activity with the right group of people to maintain her motivation.

stripedmat, give it time, your daughter is only ten. Though many children do have extra curricular activities they enjoy, not all do. Later on when she goes to 'big' school she will probably develop interests.

Yes I’ve had this for years with my DD nearly 9. 12 months ago she asked for ice skating lessons so we got them as a birthday gift and she absolutely loves it. She goes twice most weeks & stays for hours on a sat & has her own little group of friends there. It’s taken a long time to find something she loves. I’m pleased it’s a physical exercise too. Just keep trying. Hopefully something will click.

Yy. I think finding the right activity is what changes the indifference into being more engaged.
I've lost count of the things DD has tried and given up.
But just look at it as being not the right thing for her.
She's finally settled into 3 different things she loves. One sport, one creative activity and one social. She's happy to go to these and it's no struggle to get her there.

I'm surprised at a 10 year old finding school tiring. OK they all have busy periods when perhaps tiredness sets in, but not all the time. Is she otherwise well? May be worth getting her checked out - if she is genuinely tired, I can understand her reluctance to join extra activities.

But yes, all children are different. My DS never really got into extra activities apart from the Scouting route. Once he started senior school though, he found his niche and still regularly joins in with that activity in the U6. DD on the other hand has always wanted to do everything. Somethings have dropped by the way after a year or two, but she has been dancing several times a week for 13 years, and again found the Guiding met a variety of needs!

HAve you thought about Guides/Scouts - the great thing with such groups is that there is a different activity every week, so whilst you might not enjoy one thing, there is always something different next time.

Is she young in the school year? If so she will have a bit more on her plate coping with everyday school and homework than her peers. Of course for some DC that's not an issue and August borns can do a tonne of extracurriculars but that doesn't mean they can all manage it. I wonder if it worth getting her iron and vitamin D levels checked. Vitamin D in particular the NHS recommends supplementing now especially in winter.

It changes a lot when they go to secondary. Is that age 11 for her? At our secondary there are lots of clubs without the same level of commitment - DC can dip in and out of them - and a lot of DC seem to give up at least some of their out-of-school clubs. There's an argument for leaving it til she gets to secondary, see what she picks up there and then talk about plugging any gaps.

I think it's fairly common to have an older child who goes to tonnes of clubs and a younger one who isn't as interested. As long as she has stuff to keep her occupied at home, for some children 7 hours at school is enough socialising for one day.

Mine is like this and she's 7. We've just moved up to brownies and this is the only thing she will go to and even that is a struggle. She's and only child and likes being home. Especially in the winter. I'm hoping it will pass and do keep offering her various things to try

I would second what @Seeline said. DD1 was like that. I realised at some point she was mildly depressed. Unhappy at school. "Tiredness" was rather trying to withdraw and process exclusing / rejection at school. Once we tackled that, she become far more energetic and willing to have a go.
She still struggles with anxiety though, so similar trajectory, initial enthusiasm but then when it comes to end of term shows or gradings, she wants to hide. We chose activities where she doesn't have to do gradings or performances as the prospect of those made her avoid activities. So look into that as well.

Seeline, I remember being very tired at school aged ten - and before then. When I was ten I had an accident which meant I was off school for a while and I loved that. I was OK, went back and did 11+ which I passed. Then when I went to big school I virtually went into a torpor! Yes I was depressed of course but nobody recognised that in children then.

However the op's daughter has probably just not found too much to interest her yet and will change as time goes on.

Not all children want to do organised activities. My ds is 13, and though he goes cycling (happy to do 100 miles on events), swimming, running etc and potters round at home making soap, doing sudoku, art, reading, cooking - and playing on his PC, he doesn't want to go out and join clubs. And tbh I don't see the point in nagging him to do other stuff

My DD2, 15, has always struggled with tiredness in school and not wanting to do weekly clubs.

She has been doing 'Wildlife Rangers' monthly for the past 2 years now (via local Wildlife Trust). Because it is monthly it seems to stay fresh for her.

Fret not. All is well.

Thanks all.

Appreciate the replies.

Maybe it is a case of her just needing to find something she loves- in which case, maybe secondary school will offer her a wide range of clubs to try if she wants to.

If DD seemed busy and fulfilled at home I think I would feel happy with that as i know not all children like joining clubs but while she is content doing a bit of art for a while, she gravitates towards screens pretty quickly- which we're fine with to an extent, but not as much as she would like. She also seems envious of friends who gain achievements doing their various activities. DD will say for e.g "X got a medal for this or that- I wish I had a medal" or " Y got to go on a coach to London" as though she would have liked to do that too.

I don't think she is physically ill- though i think I might try a multi-vit for a while as a precaution. I hope she is not depressed, though I will bear this is mind. She dislikes school. She doesn't seem to be the only child in her class who is tired- the majority seem to be at the moment and they all certainly look it when they come out. She perks up with a snack, but if it were a night where she had an activity, she would probably make lots of repeated remarks about being tired, looking at me and catching my attention with a long face etc.

Wildlife rangers sounds amazing, I will check if there is anyhting like that round here!

I guess it's a bit like adults not wanting to workout after they get home from work (I'm one of them) but once you do it you feel much better. I suspect once she gets to the activity she'll enjoy it.

Sounds like my DS in some ways. We struggle to get enthusiasm for anything not involving a screen.

Having said which, music may just be starting to do the trick in his case. Band has been the only activity for years that he will leave the house for with enthusiasm and it's lasted over a term now. Several advantages - teamwork not competitive, no-one loses, not physically tiring, and it's well graded so you are in a beginner band with other beginners of all ages.

Every other activity it's become kind of a family joke that he always "hates it" when it's time to leave home, but comes out of the activity saying he's had a good time. If he still wants to quit at the end of the session and consistently I take it more seriously. So far we have asked that they keep at least one sport going.

As for I'm tired, my first suggestion would be earlier bedtime. If they go along with that maybe they really were tired, if not more likely foot dragging about leaving screens.

Sounds like me as a child.
I turned out ok