How to handle children quickly tiring of activities

[Linguaphile]

I have three children ages 6 (twins) and 4. We have tried several kinds of activities in the past (swimming, ballet, riding) and now are doing gymnastics and music. I’m not a tiger mum at all, but I do want them to have some sort of physical activity in the week (the winters are so long and cold and wet and they don’t otherwise have much other opportunity to get some exercise), and I am also am keen for them to do music lessons as I think it is good for their general development. They are always keen when we first start out with an activity (I try not to force anything on them that they haven’t expressed an interest in doing), but they generally lose interest in whatever lessons they are taking after just a few weeks. It is always a struggle by November/December to get them to do anything, and I don’t know what to do!

I don’t want to over-schedule them or force them to go to lessons for something they hate, but equally it’s important to me that they learn to give something a good go instead of giving up an activity the minute they actually have to start practicing or working at it. They just seem to love pottering at home and playing together, so I do let them have a lot of free down time to play whenever possible in the times they’re not at activities!

Just mainly looking for advice on how to walk that line between encouraging kids to stick with something and letting them decide what they want to do. I suppose my fear is that they’ll reach university having mastered nothing and that they’ll regret it. My own mother did this with me (just let me quit every time I decide I didn’t feel like doing something anymore), and as an adult I wish she had made me persevere with at least one thing!

Thoughts? How do you encourage your child to persevere with something with the fun and novelty wear off?

I should say, we got around the dreaded lessons with swimming by deciding to just do that as a family activity for weekends and holidays (DH has taught them all and they’re quite good swimmers now, so we got around the lack of enjoyment in lessons that way and they just learn with DH and I ‘for fun’). I would do the same with music but having never stuck with anything myself I don’t feel I have much to give there!

Personally I wouldn’t force encourage my children to do anything they don’t want to. It sounds like they’re happy enough doing their own thing.
In winter I just bundle my DD up and send her out the back door for a while for some fresh air & exercise.
If she asked me to join a club/class/ hobby then I’d let her but it would be her choice.

I would agree with them when they start an activity that they have to do a minimum number of sessions then once they’ve done those if they don’t want to continue then you’ll agree.
I was the same as you growing up in that I never stuck to anything but I’m glad my mum didn’t make me continue doing something I didn’t enjoy. Kids go to school every day whether they like it or not and I think that’s enough; for me that’s enough to teach them about persevering and having to do stuff you don’t like.

I agree ^ a sensible approach/compromise could be that they have a taster session or two of whatever activity, and at that point they either agree to commit to a set number of lessons before you review or say they don't like it and you'll try something else. It works quite logically because for most things you need to block book a term or a half term of activity at a time which gives you a natural review point - if they are really consistently bored/unhappy with it after giving it a good go (as opposed to occasionally whingy but overall enjoying it) then I think it's fair to let them stop and try something else. As you say your main aims are for them to get exercise/development in general rather than wanting them to do a particular activity that should work out fine. I know 4 and 6yo is probably too young to fully comprehend a commitment for a term/half term but I think you are fine to essentially insist on them doing their lessons for that time even if they are disengaged/whiny about it... I wouldn't worry about the lack of commitment, I think it's quite natural in little children to get a bit disenchanted when things get a bit harder (I think at that age they struggle to make the causal connection between trial/error/persistence and eventual improvement - they live much more in the immediate moment of them struggling/failing/having to repeat the same thing over and over, and finding that frustrating or boring), they'll improve as they get older on that front with your encouragement/support. Besides, good all-rounders tend to be just as successful in society as people who master a narrow set of skills! Plus they may well find a real passion when they're a little older...

Yes user we did agree to that sort of arrangement with the gymnastics at the beginning of the year. They begged and begged to take lessons. I said I would only sign them up if they agreed to stick out the year as we had to pay the whole amount for the year up front. They agreed, and now they whine. With the other activities I only made them go for however many lessons we had already paid for and then let them quit. Just feels such a shame because I feel like lessons are systematically killing off their love for the things they seem to like! They loved ballet for about 3 weeks and then would cry before going. Then it was riding. Then it was swimming lessons.

Sigh. I definitely don’t want to force anything, I just feel like loads of other children in their year seem to be involved in so much and love it. They seem to love the idea of doing those activities too and being good at the things their friends are good at, but in reality they can’t be bothered.

I wouldn't worry too much about the whinging before going, if they participate reasonably happily during the session. Some kids just are whingy by nature , and I think transition between activities or between school/activity, in particular when they are a bit tired or hungry is a common tantrum-y moment for lots of DC. Or even when it's the weekend and you have to interrupt a fun game or time with their toys or TV or whatever because it's time to go out to their activity, young DC struggle to emotionally distinguish/manage the short term annoyance of having to stop what they're doing vs long term wanting to be good at ballet! It doesn't mean they won't ever learn persistence or be lazy layabouts for life, you just have to be persistent yourself and keep encouraging them, massively annoying and tempting to just let them watch TV though it is ! I'd be very very surprised if the super-energised--activity-loving kids at school don't also have at least some whingy moments about their activities (though their parents may not mention it!) - what 4-6y old doesn't!

They are ever so little. I don't think even a 10 year old can really understand committing for a whole year to something they've only tried once. Asking that of a 4 year old is too much, I think. Finishing the term or the half term is enough to ask of them and IMO will still encourage that "sticking to it" ethos, just in a way they can actually relate to.

I think we tend to do this sort of thing a bit young these days. My DD's friends started ballet at 3 and most gave up at the age of 7/8 saying they were bored. DD started at 7, skipping all the wand waving and dolly rocking in the early grades, and is still going strong at 13. We find activities on Saturday mornings are much more successful than those on weekday evenings, especially in the cold dark January evenings. It's hard enough for adults to drag themselves out of the house in the rain and dark, let along infant school children.

Hi! I totally totally empathise and was coming on mumsnet to basically post the same question about my 5 (very nearly 6) year old when I saw your thread!!

With my eldest, he always jumped right into things and now has way too many activities for me to cope with!! When he was younger and very very occasionally whined about a lesson, I'd just say 'oh go, you'll feel better after' and he listened to me and did whatever it was and all was fine!

With my youngest, when I say 'you have to go'. He just says 'no. I'm not going!'. Nothing works - no bribary, no persuading, no being firm, no taking the gentle approach. nothing. If he doesn't want to do something he doesn't do it!! We had this problem with swimming tonight. Last week he loved it, today he said he's not going anymore. You can hardly physically force them into the pool! So here we are sitting and watching the other kids while I have a coffee and he eats his post swimming (haha!) Sandwiches! !!

I don't know what the answer is OP, by I totally totally get what you r experiencing. I guess ultimately it doesn't matter if they just chill at home and do nothing (though I do desperately want DS to learn to swim purely from a safety perspective) I guess they r all different, and want DS to know I love him no mater what (though I'd like it if he could just manage a 30 min swim lesson each week!!! Grrrrrr!!)

I'm just coming on to comment on the music lessons part, as I'm not sure what kind of music lessons you are trying.

I wanted to say don't think they won't get to uni not having mastered anything. My older DC did nothing music wise until Junior School when they started recorder lessons, then started other instruments. Both older DC now play in uni groups as a social activity!

When I was younger I quit just about everything and I so regret it. I should’ve stuck with ballet, piano etc. I’m sure I just stopped going because I was tired that day or something equally tenuous and I had no concept of the enormity of what I was giving up. I like that they’re trying lots of things and hopefully they’ll find something they like eventually. I did trampolining which I really liked.

At this age they just chose things their friend likes and not what they’d like.

If you want actively take them for a walk in the woods or to the park. Wrap up warm.

They actually benefit massively from having siblings and they learn to co operate and negotiate, teamwork and competition.

Let them be kids. No university will be interested in their activities before teenaged anyway.

Whinging about 'going out again' at night, when it is dark after school in the Winter, is just normal - what you need to judge on is whether they enjoy it while they are there / their 'mood' or reaction or chatter when they come out.
I mean, IMO, it does seem like you've offered them a lot of stuff when they are not really developmentally ready for it. Apart from swimming, mine didn't start doing other things until Beavers at 6.
When they were whinging about not wanting to go, I would always say that the rule was you had to finish at the end of a term, so they were going until then anyway, and that, if they wanted to stop going, they needed to let the Leader / Coach / Teacher know that they were finishing, and be ready to answer 'why' if asked.
Overwhelmingly, it wasn't the activity they didn't want to do, it was just the idea of getting coats on again and getting there, rather than watching TV in a warm house.

A year is a really long time when youre 6! Surely half a term is enough to learn whether it will be suited to them or not.

If you are 6 and only rememebr say from when you're 3. A year would be 1/3 of yojr life.

Can you imagine wanting to try something and being told you have to do it for 10 years 😱

They are still quite young OP. Maybe they're just not ready??? Don't worry about it for now. My DD is quite an advanced violinist, she started at 5. But there are kids at here college more advanced who started at 7 or even later. And it's common to start later with woodwind and brass. And that's kids who are taking music extremely seriously, there are even more who are very good but doing it just for fun. You don't have to start as a toddler to master an instrument and I'm sure it's the same with other areas of interest. Some you can't even begin until you're physically ready. They'll find their 'thing' in due course, especially with you supporting them xx

I think they are a bit young. The 4 year old is definitely too young to reliably partake.

I'm quite big on activities and my 8 year old does several, often whinges about going but I've ignored the protests and he's fine when there.
He's enjoying them more now he can see the progress he's made. It's starting to make sense for him that it's a learning process and we aren't just naturally good at x, y, z. Effort is required but at 6 & 4 I think they are too young to understand and assume they'll just be about to play instruments without learning etc.

I was also a 'quitter' at that age and really wish I'd been pushed more. I'm was pretty musical and would love to have that now. Swimming is non negotiable in our house as it's a life skill. I would be selective and chose one activity per week and try to make it fun.

I think some of it is personality dependent or possibly you’ve just not found the right activity. It might all change next year when school starts but my 3 year old loves sport type activities and can’t get enough of them. She’s just naturally sporty (in a way that I never was) and has always been ahead on gross motor skills. I think she’ll live and breathe dance and sport. For example, she spends hours prancing around at home trying to recreate her ballet classes or pretending to be the teacher for her friends. She practices her swimming legs on the sofa and wants to push herself. In contrast, I don’t think she’d cope with music until she was much older and even then I think introducing an instrument will be a battle.

Maybe yours just don’t like the structure or just haven’t found their niche if they’re losing interest after a few weeks. Do you think they feed off each other? Would they get on better with Rainbows/brownies where they get more variety?

Also bear in mind that school children get tired by school. My son carried 3 activities over from preschool years into YR because he loved them all so much and he didn't want to give them up. He'd dropped all 3 by Christmas. Poor thing was just too tired, I think.