Being fair to siblings?

[PhantomErik]

My dd 10 does ballet, acro, swimming & piano. She's starting tap & modern dance in Sept as well.

I also have 2 ds who are almost 9 & 7. They both swim (all 3 lessons at the same time) & ds 9 does an after school club for a term here & there. He's also learning the drums.

Dd started off with ballet as a way of making friends outside of school as she was struggling with friendship groups in school. She's still struggling in school a bit but is much happier overall & well on the way to making friends at the dance school (some of whom will be going to the same secondary school - bonus!)

My question really is does anyone else struggle with feeling like they are being unfair on their other children? Ds9 has a good solid school life & is content & happy there. He swaps & changes interests a bit, did guitar for a couple of terms & got bored etc thought about doing judo but it clashed with dds ballet class, wasn't too fussed & hasn't asked again. He's good at swimming & has a lot of potential (according to his teacher) but wants to stop soon.

Ds7 is still a bit young for much although he wants to start guitar in sept - no problem with that.

Am i being fair? Is this just mum guilt?

All you can do is support what they're interested in. My DC1 did multiple regular activities, with expensive kit. DC2 wasn't interested in anything at all until their teens. Now they're making up for lost time!

They find their niche in due course.

It's a bit of a juggling act. I think there's an element of perhaps limiting the child who does the most - not religiously, but for example when one of ours stepped up from rec to squad gym, she had to give up dancing. It's not just about the money, it's that it's no fun for the other DC to be dragged around every evening. You also need to watch that the youngest doesn't miss out on opportunities simply because there are no spare days for you to take them to things, or you're exhausted from it all.

Perhaps the children who choose to do less can get more school trips when they are at secondary too. Children can be really perceptive though, and I think a 7 year old is quite capable of thinking they'd better not ask for football lessons because you're already too busy with DD's commitments.

Thanks for the replies

Youngest ds is a summer baby & is not quite 7 yet & school has been a challenge. He's often tired & just likes to play with his dinosaurs & more recently lego so I don't think he needs more yet but your comment struck a chord Ambydex

I wonder if ds9 doesn't ask because he knows we're busy. He takes part in an after school club that makes it really tight timewise to get dd to her piano lesson but I'm fully supportive & encouraging of him doing it. We always manage it & I always ask how he got on etc.

They don't have to be dragged around in the evenings as DH is home in time (works early shifts) so he's there with them.

Ds is interested in doing a few days of football training in the summer holidays put on by the leisure centre which I'm more than happy for him to do but he doesn't want to join a club (which we could manage as it's saturday morning) as he's a bit of a 'fair weather' boy & not keen on being out in the cold lol.

Dd is doing a week long dance workshop in the summer holidays & I've told the boys that that's their week to make plans, days out, friends over etc & my DM asked them if they'd like a day out with her 1-1 which they do so it'll be nice to prioritise them a bit. Also that means I get 1-1 with them each as well which I'm looking forward to.

Just writing this & reading the replies is helping to get my head straight about supporting them all & not overlooking anyone so thank you!

Bring I'm hoping this kind of happens with both ds's!

I think as long as you would give them the same opportunities if they wanted it’s fine . I did a lot more activities than my sister growing up but she was quite happy .

If she's soon off to secondary, you'll find the pressure comes off a bit soon, especially if she can get herself to some activities. My 11 year old can get herself to orchestra, folk group and drama now - I still need to chaperone the 9 year old. They both do as much, but one requires more input than the other (you might also find that the older one drops some stuff as homework kicks in. I wish mine would!)

as long as they all get an opportunity to do what they want to then you can't do much more.

I would perhaps ask the one who was thinking about judo if he is still interested unless he was just being polite. I would also bear in mind that when your daughter starts at secondary she might well want/need to cut back a bit.

We do try to spend the same amount of money/time on both our girls, made easier until recently because they did the exact same activities but they are now starting to change what they want to do. They do know they have a set budget for their activities and if they want to add something then they have to drop something. I think this teaches them to budget and be aware that there is only so much money available and they need to prioritise. We do try to keep one evening free and Sunday free plus most of Saturday as I have major health issues so for me trailing around on their activities is very difficult and stressful but I don't want them to lose out.

Perhaps with the start of a new school year you could sit down with them each individually and find out what things they might like to try/do/carry on with/drop etc. It would make the younger two feel confident they have the chance to speak up and say actually they would like to do x or y and would hopefully reassure you you are doing what you can to be fair. I agree with the suggestion that perhaps in the future the ones who do less weekly stuff can do optional trips etc with school whilst your daughter spends a lot on regular activities so perhaps these aren't really as possible for her. not saying penalise her but it would be good for her in the long run to make sure she isn't just taking it for granted that she can do everything.

It's mum guilt but your dd is doing a lot, she may wish to drop something anyway as secondary starts. One of mine did more than the other but she was autistic so didn't have friends really

Thanks so much for taking time to reply it's making me feel better about it all so far but also will help me to make sure the boys get fair opportunities.

Dd only started her clubs last year as she was so unhappy at school & maybe when she gets to secondary she'll need to make more time for homework etc so that will free up more time.

We try to keep one weekday evening & Sundays free but I'd give up the weekday evening happily if either of the boys wanted to do something.

Dd has much less confidence than her brothers & although this is improving I'd hate to reduce her activities for the wrong reasons.

I like the idea of more school trips etc in secondary but dd is still yr 5 so got a little while to go yet before either ds (in yr4 & yr2) would benefit.

I came across some activity days at the local lake doing windsurfing etc so might see if ds9 is interested.

Ds7 has mentioned a climbing wall & trampoline park so will maybe take him & a friend over summer.

Wish I'd saved more towards the summer holidays now! At least living in Cornwall we get loads of beach days for free!

We are quite sensitive to this because dh has an older brother who did lots of sport with kit etc and so dh didn't feel he could ask for too much. It's very hard to tell whether they really don't want to do as much or if them not asking is because they don't feel they can add to the demands on time and money.

No answers, just something to keep an eye on.

I have a dd who started dance and drama for fun, then it became serious and our entire life was spent ferrying her around. Her younger brother on the other hand had no interest.

Luckily for us at the stage ds did start to want to do activities (year 7/8) dd went off to vocational dance school. Ds is now seriusly into music and theatre but dd is at college studying to be a dancer so we can concentrate on him. Over the years we spent a fortune on summer schools for her and ds had little spent on him in comparison (apart from piano lessons his stuff was very cheap) but his turn will come when he turns 16 and is old enough to go on certain music residentials he is interested in.

I get this all the time.

DD1 does a lot - and it costs a fair bit. She's just given up 1 activity in view of going into year 10 in Sept which does help,
DD2 does a bit. Not as much as DD1 but still a lot more than DD3.
DD3 does 1 thing. She just isn't into a lot of stuff.

Me and DD3 do spend more time together than I do with the other 2 more because of logistics rather than anything else.
I actually try not to worry about it but clearly do....

Your DD does a lot! I think it does build resentment if parents spend a lot of time ferrying one child about especially if other DC are dragged along. Your DD may need to choose to cut back once in secondary and also she does need free time, having a friendship group isn’t the be all and end all; give her a breather.

Dd1 1, by choice does loads. She’s out every night with dance/ theatre, the night she would have had free she chooses to help with little kids ballet classes. She also is on serval sports teams at school. Feels like she’s never here at times. But it’s how she likes things.

Dd2 11, does 3 dance classes and scouts, which is plenty for her. She has no real desire to do any more, she’s a different character and needs time to just do nothing. I’m always offering other activities to her, but she’s just not fussed. She’s going to secondary in September, so I’m sure she’ll join some sports team and will be busier that way.

I would feel guilty if dd2 wanted to do more and I was having to say no due to dd1s commitments. As it is, I feel no guilt as they are both happy with what they do.