DC reacting to change

[eBae]

I'm tired and ill and so everything feels 50% worse, but feeling like a failure today.

DC do some sports/hobby clubs. I'm pleased that they have interests and get some fun exercise. However, my youngest (8.4) doesn't seem to deal with change very well. She started an exercise class and loved the teacher, but the teacher turned out to be a sub and the usual one returned without warning. This threw her a bit, but she continued to go, even though the new teacher is 'shouty'.

Today DD arrived to find the class had doubled in size because they'd added the pupils from a dance class to the session (in their dance uniform). She went in, did the warmup but discovered they were doing a combo of the usual class skills and dance, and she looked very upset, picked up her bag and said she wanted to go home.

We left, since it was clear she was very uncomfortable. We've chatted, she said that the class felt 'normal' with the sub teacher, 'weird' with the new teacher, and 'scary and not really nice' with all the new children. She cried a bit, said she felt bad for wanting to leave and she was sorry. We agreed that she just needs to be honest and we'll ask for the club to tell us in advance of any big changes so she's prepared, and she's going to go back again next week.

I feel like I'm messing up this parenting thing. Is she reacting this way because she thinks it's okay not to commit? Or because she's not resilient? Is she too old to act like this? Is not wanting to go to a club such a bad thing?

Fully expecting a flaming, but grateful for any thoughts from experience.

Hello @eBae! No roasting here, just sympathy. My youngest really would throw a wobbly in that situation- she can't cope with anything that varies from her norm. This week's crisis - her cello teacher has a few commitments in the coming weeks that mean her lessons have to move. The only other time we can do is on the same day as brownies and would mean she be about 10-15min late. She can't deal with walking in once the evening has started. But she also can't deal with no cello! So she doesn't like either of the options... dress down days, school trips, parties, they all send her into a complete spin. We are currently getting support for her anxiety.

It's incredibly difficult, and often hard to decide whether to cut ones losses and go home or make them stick it out and face their fear!

The advice we are being given by our support worker is quite counter intuitive and difficult to put into practice - but there is logic in it.

1. don't reassure
2. help them work through the issue by asking open questions- what are you most worried about? what do you think will happen? If that thing happens, what next? What can you do to prevent that from happening? Basically get them to self-reassure! Don't put words in their mouths. If they are struggling to articulate the precise worry, it sometimes helps to say "if I was in that situation, I might worry about x,y,z" as a starter. That's definitely worked for us! And the actual crux of the issue might be something you really don't expect!

Hi Folkmamma, it's really good to hear from someone who is helping their own child work through something similar. I don't think DD's reactions are as widespread as your DD's, as mine is better with change in places where she knows people well like home and school. However, she doesn't really know anyone at this class.

I have generalised anxiety myself. It hadn't crossed my mind that her reactions might be rooted in something similar but your mention of anxiety has made me wonder. What do you think?

This particular situation and her reaction to it sounds to me like it could be... another thing we have learned on this journey is that anxiety has a genetic component of up to 30% so if you suffer, then that increases the chances of your children being affected. Although it doesn't mean they definitely will be!!! That said,many children would be nervous in the situation you have described. 8 is still very little!! Making the class leader aware and getting them to tell you in advance about big changes is a perfectly reasonable strategy. Also talking through it with your DD using the open questions to help. It's great that she is fine with change in other areas of her life.

Thank you so much for the advice. I really appreciate it and I do feel like I've got a direction to go in now with her!

Any time! Good luck xx