Unsure whether to accept music scholarship

[oz1974]

DD is an extra curricular type of child - very good at sport & music. We applied for 11+ scholarships in both to our preferred school, thinking mainly about the financial incentives and confidence boost for DD if she was awarded them.

She has always been the sports star at her prep school, so everyone was expecting the sports scholarship would be a walk in the park. Her musical talents are more hidden as she has her lessons outside of school and hasn’t performed in school for a few years.

Today we got the news that she has been awarded a music scholarship but not sports. They’ve given the reason for not getting the sports as that “nerves got the better of her” on the assessment day. From the way she described it I don’t think she pushed herself to stand out at all - it’s not her style. I’m starting to realise that although she is really well co-ordinated etc. she hasn’t got the “killer instinct”/competitive edge for sport at the moment. This confidence might grow in the next few years though.

I’m obviously really proud about the music scholarship, but it’s starting to bother me that if we accept it she will be tied to the music department and won’t have spare time/opportunities to still do her sport. I’m worried that effectively we are cutting off her sporting potential, which might come out with improved confidence and maturity over the next few years.

DH is particularly upset about this...And as the music is my thing and sport is his it feels as if I’ve won, which I don’t feel comfortable with!

DD is really happy about music and a bit disappointed about sport, but not particularly upset. She tells me she prefers to do lots of music than sports, but I’m not sure if she’s just saying that to please me. Part of me thinks that her lack of enthusiasm for sport says it all - just because you’ve got a natural talent doesn’t mean you’ve got to do it?!

Any comments or advice much appreciated. We are intending to go into speak to the Head in the New Year.

No real advice but your dh’s attitude is terrible.

I don’t know how these things work but I assume that even with a music scholarship she’d still be doing sports?

Go and visit the school again and ask lots of questions about how much time commitment is expected of music scholars, how other scholars balance music with other passions, what will happen if there is a clash of a music concert and a sports match etc etc. before you decide. It really depends on the school and the way the music and sports departments interact and the expectations of scholars. Depending on the relationship you have with the Head or another member of staff, you could be very candid and see what they say.

How critical is the scholarship to your being able to afford the fees? That will have a big bearing on your decision too.

Scholarships are very competitive. Your DD may not have got the sports scholarship regardless of how she acted on the day - there might just have been better candidates. Most important then is that she feels proud of her achievement in being awarded a scholarship, whatever you decide to do.

My DS is a music scholar at a very musical school. He does lots of music ( string player ) but could also do lots of sport if he chose to, as music is mostly before school and lunchtimes, and sport is after school and weekends.
I'd say that your daughter is showing and telling you that her heart isn't truly in sport, so go with music.
As we told our DS, the scholarship is simply a way of opening the door to a school he wouldn't otherwise have been able to go to.

Hi I would def talk to the school about expectations; dd is a music scholar and the expectations are huge - she can’t refuse any ensembles etc which now means she has ten ‘things’ a week plus light chorister duties. It wouldnt be possible to be in school teams except swimming as there is so much overlap in timings. It really does seem to be school dependant (others seem much more relaxed). (and I think ours is trying to drive up it’s music profile). it is a very sporty school too.

It very much depends on the school I think. Dc got music scholarship, but is much more a sports girls. But as someone already mentioned it doesn't seem to clash too much. She has also negotiated to attend alternative weeks sports and music practice.

Your family sounds like mine. Sporty dad, arty mum and all-round child. The lack of 'killer instinct' as a serious sportsman is also the same.

By the time of 11+, my DS chose music over sport so we applied for music scholarship only. When he won an award, I spoke to the DOM to find out the expectation of the commitments and how flexible in terms of participation in sports. We still wanted DS to have a choice to do sports as he enjoyed physical activities. We were told if a child was good in both fields, the directors of music and sport would work together to maximise the opportunities for the child so could be negotiable and flexible. However, I knew it would be very tough on the child who chose to be active in both areas with a scholarship in one area. Lots of juggling and time management would be needed. In the end we didn't take up the offer for several other reasons.

As PP said it's totally school dependant as well as family/child dependant. I would talk to the school and think carefully if you are aware of what will come with the scholarship, and if the award will stay as a motivation/confidence booster than unwilling duties and burdens.

If you didn't want a music scholarship why apply?

DHs preference is irrelevant, this is DDs education/future not his. He needs to make sure his not living vicariously through her.

Ask DD if she had no scholarship, but funds could only cover one activity, which would she choose. That will tell you where her interests lie. Ignore natural ability, DCs often feel they 'have' to pursue particular activities/careers etc because of ability rather than interest, which never works out in the long-term.

I think its up to your daughter-talk to the school to find out if she could still pursue her sports ( I suspect she can as schools tend to want their talented sports people to be in their teams) and then relay the information to your daughter. In my experience that killer instinct does not 'come'. I have a daughter who is exactly the same, got a sports scholarships but always panics when the pressure is on and its not a lot of fun for her. Sounds like your daughter is saying she does find the music more pleasurable so I would give her the choice. It is her life not your DH's!

Your DH needs to ask himself exactly why he is disappointed about this.

Your dd can't live her life based on the ambition of either parent, she has to be the one who decides.

What Ohwell said.

Your DD has been given a great opportunity which she is pleased about. Let her accept.

Congratulations (even though it might not feel that way).

It really is going to depend on school set up. At DD's school most ensembles happen first thing (8 ish) and larger choirs and orchestras at lunchtime. Squad is one evening (done and dusted by 5:45) and fixtures on a Saturday.

If they have music scholarships there is presumably a music admin/office who could advise you. Otherwise you will just be guessing.

Thank you all for taking the time to give me such great advice! I am taking it all on board. I posted at about 4am when my brain was going round in anxious irrational circles, and needless to say I’m feeling a lot more positive about it today!

I’ve painted poor DH in a bad light! He is very proud of her music achievements!

As to why we went for the music scholarship in the first place...can I be honest and say these issues did not occur to me until we were offered it? You just want the best for your child but that isn’t always the obvious. A definite learning experience

I don't see any wrong with your DH, OP. My DH was very proud of DS's achievements in music but was initially gutted DS chose music over sports. It's just a momentary reaction and nothing serious.

You let your DD try for the challenge and she won that and now you like to think whether it's the best for her - totally understandable.

Congratulations on her achievement and good luck in your decision!

This is just one school’s assessment.

How much is the discount? What is actually required of DC with music scholarships? It seems unlikely at a decent school that a sporty AND musical DC will be prevented from spending at least some time on sport.

Both sport and music are far more likely to turn into hobbies than a career, so both are secondary to academics anyway IMO.

Well done to your DD OP. Any decent school will accommodate a child doing both, though there will always be the odd clash. You just learn to prioritise, and get both heads on board to maximise the student’s development. It also sounds like she’ll get a lot out of the music participation.

During the later school years any DC that are able to multi task their interests to a decent level effectively alongside academics will be judged positively.

As others have said it is school dependent.
My DD is a performing arts scholar ( musical theatre) so she has to split between music, dance and drama departments it does mean she has an activity every day after school, two on Wednesdays and three lunchtimes.
My ExH is a sports person and was deeply disappointed she did not excel in this area, your DH needs to hide this as it has seriously damaged his relationship with DD. She sees there is no point telling him about that stuff as he is not interested.

It completely depends on the school! My sons both had music scholarships, and it just involved playing in the orchestra, and a few other things every now and then, all of which they would have done anyway.
Also, you can quit the scholarship if it feels wrong; it is not a life sentence.

If the school is going to be a good fit for your child, they will be happy to discuss with you how juggling her interests would work. It might even be better for her not to be on a sports scholarship if it leaves her "free" to just focus on her preferred sport(s).

My daughter (yr 11, combined music/academic scholar) has just said, try to speak with students about how it really is, not just the teachers :)
I recall one of my son's friends elected to sit academic scholarship and not music having seen what his older brother was required to do with a music scholarship, and not wanting that commitment.

In my opinion, the advantage of children being of scholarship or near-scholarship standard in more than one area, is that the school should recognise the need to keep such children engaged with and progressing in all their strengths.

Well done to your daughter and hope that you get good reassurances and that it all works out well.

You just want the best for your child

Yes, we all do... but it should be what is best for them, not what you think is best. There's a subtle difference.

My late DM was famous for saying to me "I only want what's best for you". The trouble was, what she thought was best wasn't necessarily what I thought was best, or indeed what I actually wanted. She also had form for being disappointed in my achievements, because they were different to the achievements she wanted me to have. I spent my entire childhood, adolescence and young adulthood feeling that whatever I did, I would never be good enough for her.

Don't be that parent. Let your dd decide. Please. And be proud of her.

It would be worth revisiting the school to ask , and if possible look online for a timetable to see, how the various extra curricular commitments might work. Certainly at dc school sport and music can both be taken to a high level but it may depend on likelihood of team participation. Some activities and training will be during the school day, some after and at weekends. Not having a particular scholarship should not necessarily exclude her from participating but they tend to look for all round potential, coordination and fitness rather than being good a single specific sport.