Dance Moms

[TrollMummy]

Anyone else notice a new breed of super keen tiger dance mums at their child's dance school and at competitions? DD has recently come back to dance and some of the mums are starting to remind me of the TV show Dance Moms. Has it always been like this or are more and more mums now hell bent on their child being a star now?

lornaballet she left the next term and I haven't met anyone else like them since.

The dance school my dc went to was lovely and the teacher used to bend over backwards to make sure everyone got a fair share and was kind to everyone. Big school, huge waiting lists and people very happy.
Then about 3-4 years ago a new family arrived who was very competitive and unpleasant and became friends with the teacher. Place has totally changed. It's all about the half dozen whose parents are friends with the teacher and teacher's actually fairly nasty to those not in her clique. And the school is dropping in numbers rapidly. From having 2-3 classes per age with waiting lists in the younger years, they've got one class which is struggling for numbers. The standard of dancing has gone down and the teacher's desperately trying different things to get it up again. Unfortunately, all those things have to make sure she's appeasing her favourites who aren't even any good so it doesn't go anywhere.
Makes me quite sad as it was a lovely school and one I've recommended to dozens of people. I now wouldn't recommend it to anyone and my dc dance elsewhere. 4 years ago we wouldn't have gone elsewhere if we'd been paid to.
Very sad what one family can do.

They do know how to play the game, troll. One particular nasty woman (the worst I've ever met) used to talk about other dancers and how they 'weren't good' with her cronies. She would even talk about their physical appearance, if she thought they were overweight or some such. Some people wised up to her in the end and even the dance school had a word with her, but not until after she'd caused people to leave. My child was amongst the 'not good' apparently and I phoned the dance teacher to complain, it took a lot of self restraint not to approach her personally. The dance teacher said there was no point approaching her as she'd just deny it

Her own daughter was 'advanced' and 'ahead' and amazing, apparently. Newcomers would be informed of this within minutes of joining, but she didn't seem to do 'well' in exams or competitions or auditions (i.e. no distinctions, comp wins or selection at auditions, so I wonder if the venom was due to insecurity).

Anyway, this person is now at another dance school (she left the old school on bad terms and then lots of similar stories emerged) and is sweetness and helpfulness personified apparently, with the dance teachers lapping it up. I doubt she's changed, she waits until she's sure a person is 'safe' and has their confidence.

I hope this doesn't put people off. They're not all like that, the parents. I don't know how others have dealth with it, but I tend to give anybody negative a wide berth. Complain to the dance owners would be my advice, if it's not dealt with adequately find another school.

That was a long post! It upset me at the time.

I was at dance school in the 80s and it was definitely like that then. Fiercely competitive. Bitchy, awful. I had a dance teacher who was like Abby Lee Miller. She used to make us all sit and judge each other's dancing much like ALM does. She also used to favour the children whose parents sucked up to her the most. The other dance teacher had a drink problem and regularly would start rambling and blaming us all for things that were actually her own fault. She once blamed me for my costume not being ready (I was a small child and could not sew a costume)

I never know why so many aspire to be ballerinas. It's a short, badly paid career which you often have to give up even earlier due to injury. I knew about 5 girls who got into the Royal Ballet School. Only one of them had a successful career.

This thread is exactly why I'm so torn about my DD who loves dancing around. I didn't do dance, I did drama as a kid, so I know nothing. The local classes seem to have waiting lists that run from pre conception and I don't have the confidence or the knowledge to know where to start! And then I feel bad because I think that at 4 she'd love it. I was taken to task at a party where she was charging about by someone I'd only met that evening who thought she had the makings of a gymnast (not just based on the charging about, the detail could out me) and I said that although I thought she'd love the activity I really wasn't sure the world was for us. I know some people (not local to me) who are involved in serious gym competitions and it seems to dominate the life of the whole family. The person I was talking to laid into me about how I was letting her down, I had a duty as a parent to develop and push my children to their best etc. I stood my ground and ended up saying something about how I thought a world where your ability at 3/4 could be great but over by 7 wasn't necessarily for everyone and that as I was a parent, she wasn't, she could keep those plans for her, as and when she had kids. It was a really tough conversation in a social place where I couldn't just move on. And I have days when I wonder if she was right and I look at my DD wiggling and jumping, she's strong and fast and has rhythm and wonder if I am letting her down because of my preconceptions etc. And then read things like this.

Bugger that was a longer and rather more heartfelt post that I expected to write!

I never know why so many aspire to be ballerinas. It's a short, badly paid career which you often have to give up even earlier due to injury

My daughter is one of those who wants to be a ballet dancer. She does a lot of classes and private lessons and is going to audition for a few schemes, but I have reservations as above and more. It's extremely competitive to make it as a ballet dancer, making it an unlikely end point also. And the flexibility required nowadays, seems to be more extreme.

The more I see of local festival circuit, with some lovely exceptions, the more I wonder what we're getting ourselves into.

I asked my grandmother and she doesn't remember the parents being competitive at my ballet school growing up. I only have good memories, though none of us seemed to take it seriously. None of us wanted to be ballerinas. I disliked tap immensely.

Also with my own daughter (20) I didn't pay much attention to the parents, some nicer than others but nobody was unkind. Not something I thought about, which is good I think after this thread. Nowadays we have one small dance school, very good teaching, nice parents, nice polite children. I want my dd's classmates to do well and I hope they wish her well. We've also made some long standing friends and have made some friendly acquaintances at competitions. We also have a larger school (approx 100) which is not so friendly, children without private lessons seem 'lost' in the large classes. The comp team I find intimidating, as they seem a bit impatient with newcomers (flawless hair and make up is still a work in progress for me, especially the make up and I never did care for fake tan ) it's not really our scene the dance competitions.

Dance Moms has a lot to answer for. Though I'm interested in those posts saying it's always been like this, as I think we must have been oblivious, it being only a hobby class for me.

This thread is exactly why I'm so torn about my DD who loves dancing around. I didn't do dance, I did drama as a kid, so I know nothing. The local classes seem to have waiting lists that run from pre conception and I don't have the confidence or the knowledge to know where to start!

Honestly, if she loves dancing, find somewhere for her to dance. I too was an absolute non-dance mum when DD started skipping round the village hall at 3, and she went to her current dance school when she started reception simply because someone we met in the park mentioned it as being close to where we were living.

That will be 10 years ago come September. DD will never be a ballerina - too big - and, while she enjoys competing in a group, has never got anywhere very much as a soloist. She's progressed steadily through grades, and has a lovely set of friends. Along the way she has acquired a phenomenal work ethic, a belief in the role of practice in success, a certain poise in presenting herself, and the ability to both win and lose with a smile on her face.

If you find yourself in a dance school with a dance moms approach, move - ones totally without that ethic exist as well, and there seems no point in avoiding a whole activity 'just in case' Football dads can be just the same, in some clubs. School gate parents, equally. Just choose your company and club.

I get what you are saying about a ballet career but that's why a wide range of disciplines should be covered ideally.
My dd is a good (not amazing) dancer but loves it so much and this last year (bullying and having to leave school) it has literally been her lifeline. She has had her dance friends and teacher who have been really supportive and her classes mean she is less isolated and still gets to socialise and exercise.
Her dance and singing also mean she has the chance to attend a free school next year and study the arts as well as catch up on the GCSEs she has missed. She wants to travel and work as a holiday entertainer so it will lead to a career hopefully.
I am fifty now and can still do the splits, get no back problems and still dance a bit for fitness so I think my dance lessons were a great thing.
Keeping it in its place is the right way to go and stay out of the politics.

Keeping it in its place is the right way to go and stay out of the politics.

Very well said Ledkr

Keeping it in its place is the right way to go and stay out of the politics.

Well I didn't get involved in the politics, but you do get affected by it if you find out your own child has been discussed and critiqued in a negative light. You have to take some action when your child is distraught. You can only ignore it up to a point.

Ledkr and Cant
The benefits you mentioned are exactly why my DD loves dance and I'm not trying to put anyone off. As PPs have said you encounter the same these parents in other activities too. Although its funny how many people ask if DD wants to be a ballerina when I say she dances. It's as if this could be the only possible reason for having lessons. Do parents of boys who say they play football automatically get asked if their son wants to play for professionally for Man U?

With the Dance Moms I encounter, I feel many have a rose tinted view of what a career in dance means and what it takes to be the best. It's lovely if your daughter is doing a solo in a little festival but it doesn't guarantee that she will be the next Darcy Bussell so calm down with the diva stuff. I wonder if it's more about the parents dream than the child's

I agree with keeping it in its place, keeping some perspective on things and enjoying all the great benefits of dance.

Do parents of boys who say they play football automatically get asked if their son wants to play for professionally for Man U?

Yes they do! It's probably easier to have some sort of career in football, there are more opportunities compared to dance.

Not Manchester United particularly, needless to add, but asking if they want to be a professional footballer. People certainly do

Getting into a ballet company is the holy grail for some, they all seem to do other disciplines, though may drop tap dance later on. The ballet girls and boys seem to do well in modern champs too. Musical theatre parents, same schools, are slightly different. Both can be pushy

Trollmummy, as the parent of a daughter who dances and a son who has played football in a professional club's academy, I can absolutely assure you that the 'football dad' phenomenon (and the automatic question about whether they want to play professionally) is at least as bad, if not worse, than the dance mom one.

Ass a football mum, I found the football dad attitude particularly hard to deal with as it was really quite 'male' and aggressive. DS is / was a goalkeeper, and having a 6'4" dad scream at you that your DS lost the team the game because he failed to make a save is less than pleasant!

(I would also say that a real disadvantage of football is that it is very strongly anti-academic, whereas IME most dancers tend also to do well at school and this is regarded as a good thing)

The festivals need not be expensive, but it is easy to get carried away with costumes if you're not careful. Also depends how much the private lessons are (my child's privates alone, not including dance fees, are £30 a week).

At our school children need a private lesson for solos and have to do at least four dance disciplines. The private lessons are like gold dust, as they're so busy, so they'll only give them to those with potential, which is a shame. It can create a two tier divide at the dance school as the comp children might appear to be favoured but in reality I don't think that is true.

Festivals are good experience but now my dd is applying for schools she has not once been asked how many medals she's won at comp!!
I make a lot of her costumes or buy second hand. Mums are paying 300 pounds for tutus and I just won't!

Not so much in DD's little dance school but on the wider competition circuit there are lots of fiercely competitive dance Mums.

She does Irish dancing so it is all bling, tans, hideous solo dresses and wigs and to hear the bitching that goes on amongst the other schools is outrageous.

I know what you mean NameNotANumber - we had a brief brush with Irish, glad dd didn't carry on with that one! And those dresses - eyewateringly expensive

The Irish dresses! Some of them make our tutus seem like good value after all. I know of people who have paid £400-600 for them, some secondhand. People taking part in the higher profile competitions can pay a lot more I think.
I've never paid more than late 200s for a made to measure new tutu. I'd add that we started off with a stretch tutu for the first ever comp, then a secondhand structured tutu, progressing to new made to measure when older. They need not be expensive.

I will be having my 3 years old start in 2 weeks time, my elder daughter did ballet for more than a year however gave up not because of other parents comments however on all grand parents comments: these are really little duck moves, how cute.... We will be more persistent with our second!!!