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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

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Original poster

Failed taekwondo grading

16 replies

Corblimy · 03/12/2016 13:07

My son 9 years old isn't too sporty but he does Taekwondo and enjoys it. He's a yellow belt and went for his grading today and the instructor wasn't sure whether to put him up for it or not but then thought he'd be ok. I didn't mind either way and warned DS that he may not pass but it's ok as could do better next time.

At the end of the grading the teacher said not everyone had passed (about 20 were doing the grading), DS was the only one not too pass, when it came to it, it was so embarrassing! DS was in tears as thought he was going to get it as teacher had said he was doing well during the grading. I could tell the teacher felt bad as was going to lengthy reasons as to why he didn't pass and he'd remember this was when he was a man but my son just wanted to get out of there asap and I had tears in my eyes seeing my son so upset!! We're a pair of wimps!

I'm aware of life lessons, to keep going till you pass but I really felt for DS as he was the only one not to get through which was so embarrassing at this age when you're becoming more self aware - I don't want him to stop but I'm not that impressed with the leaders as it is an out of school club where it's supposed to be fun and confidence building.

I think they either shouldn't have put him forward or if they're going to fail pupils it should be more than one. I can't work out if I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 03/12/2016 13:11

He shouldn't have put him forward if he wasn't ready, no.

But he can't fail someone else who should have passed just to make your son feel better.

Tis all part of life, I'm afraid.

monkeywithacowface · 03/12/2016 13:13

Part of me thinks YABU and these are important life lessons and kids need to build resilience BUT that said my 8 year old is doing his green belt grading next week and I will of course feel exactly the same as you if he doesn't pass.

raspberryrippleicecream · 03/12/2016 18:16

My DSs old club didn't tell you on the day, but the next time you went in. But if you hadn't passed they would phone beforehand.

Making it public like that is the only unreasonable part really.

Original poster

Corblimy · 03/12/2016 19:44

It wasn't so much that he didn't pass but the way they handled the news - Raspberry Ripple - that sound like a much more considerate way to manage
it!

OP posts:

MyWineTime · 03/12/2016 20:29

It's difficult but he will learn and grow from it.
It possibly wasn't wise to put him forward yet, but he was, so you have to deal with what is, not what could have been.
Acknowledge how he feels and encourage him to pick himself back up and work hard on the areas that let him down. Then he can have another go.

Original poster

Corblimy · 03/12/2016 23:07

I'm usually all for having another go and working on weaknesses etc. but it has really riled me that four men sit up at a table in suits and then in a room full of 20 other kids and parents on top, call up DS last in a long line of twenty to then tell him he has failed and when they can't deal with his reaction beckon me over!

Why they couldn't have just called him over to aside and told him rather than make him watch all the others. DS is fine now but it's been rattling with me all day, primarily because I think it was humiliating - the leader said to me, he'll remember this when he's a man! DS is supposed to be there to learn taekwondo, it's an extra curricular activity.....

I'm not sure I want him to go to somewhere where the male role models behave like that, I wouldn't want DS to behave like that when he's an adult!

OP posts:

FleursDuMal · 03/12/2016 23:28

Just talking to my partner who assists with kids at his Taekwondo class and he says that their instructors would not put a child up for grading if they weren't 110% sure they would pass. This would involve repeated practice in class before the grading event to ensure that the pattern/routine is absolutely understood and that the student is confident and fluent in the level of skill required. Maybe speak quietly to instructor and explain how unhappy your child is about this and that in future grading events they don't put him forward unless they are confident he will pass?

Greenleave · 04/12/2016 10:42

I dont have a child who does taekwondo however similar to any other activities if there are exams/grades there are chances of pass and fail. Which in a way I am much appreciated because you cant do anything about it, you cant buy a medal, pay for a grade, only practising will decide. Although for some lower or boderline, there is a risk of fail sometimes it depends on the performance in the exam only(nervous breakdown etc). I would give him a break, remind him that he is already doing well, many kids havent got to any bell. Its all about learning and there is a long race, some slow starter however determined and work hard consistently in long run might do much better. I would next time find a funny and positive side of the story(and bite my bitter behind). Fir example we went to an Orchestra audition and we didnt do too well. I told my daughter that many others deserve than us much better simply because they have been wanting it more and practising for it harder so they deserve it more. If she really wants it then she can try again next time and give it a lot of respect. Its a lovely sunny day today, a bike trip in the park then a hot chocolate would kill all the sadness. Lessons for us to learn though that we should be better prepared next time, then also prepare for failure...hugsxx

user789653241 · 04/12/2016 18:32

At my ds' club(different martial arts), they never put the child up for grading unless the instructor is absolutely sure the child will pass.

AccioMerlot · 04/12/2016 20:58

Wow, that's awful! I'm considerably older than your DS and I would cry buckets if I was the only one to fail a grading (different martial art). I might be restrained enough to wait till I got home

At our place the kids get stuff ticked off on their record as they go along, so by grading day the instructor has pretty much seen them do all the requirements correctly in class. So you have to spectacularly cock up to fail, and even if you do, you get a 'temporary belt' which I think means, 'you have failed but please don't cry'. Less traumatic all round.

I'm sure he will remember it when he's a man, but not necessarily in a good way.

Have you considered trying a different martial art?
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is very fast-growing, and actually has no gradings; the instructor gives you the next belt when they think you're ready.
Jeet Kune Do is a mixture of martial arts, and ought not to have belts because it's all about finding your own style, although they do sometimes have them for kids.
You might also find local versions of mixed/combined martial arts which would be more informal?

Witchend · 04/12/2016 21:52

It's all very well to say you wouldn't put a child up until you're 110% certain they'll pass, but you do get blips.
I've just been at a dance competition and one of the better (older) ones managed to trip three times in one of their dance-never seem them trip before, I think the one trip then put them off for the rest of the dance.

One of mine has just failed something for the first time. I've said she has three choices:

Walk away, say that's as far as she wants to get and never do it again
Say: actually I knew it was dodgy this time, but I'm going to work really hard to make sure I pass next term.
Say I'm going to miss that grading and work really hard and go for the one above when relevant.

user789653241 · 04/12/2016 22:41

I think 8/9 is the age a lot of kids start taking martial arts quite seriously.
Looking at my ds' class, it's not really fun anymore. In ks1, it was more messing around with other kids, but in ks2, everybody seems to get serious or they quite.

ReallyTired · 07/12/2016 11:11

My daughter has had the experience of failing gymnastics badges. I think that learning to cope with failure is an important part of life. Dd gym club doesn't tell the children when they are being tested. Rather than thinking of it as failing a badge as a fail think of it as not quite yet ready.

I don't think that the coach was wrong to put a borderline child in for the test. Sometimes fear of failure is worse than the failure itself. Risk taking and coping with disappointment is an important part of growing up. We all experience failure at some point in our adult lives.

AccioMerlot · 07/12/2016 21:59

Believe me, reallytired , I have a wealth of experience at sporting fails eg being so far behind the other Sports Day runners that I get my own round of applause for finishing

It's still a whole new level of public humiliation to fail a grading, especially if you thought you were going to pass.

ReallyTired · 08/12/2016 05:04

"It's still a whole new level of public humiliation to fail a grading, especially if you thought you were going to pass."

Why?

It's only a public humiliation if the club/ coach/ parent handles it badly. Helping children manage disappointment is part of parenting.

A girl at Dd's gym club failed a badge. Her mother made a huge fuss and blamed the coach and club. A different child who also failed had a mother who took the view that her daughter needed to work harder rather than blaming anyone else for the failure. Guess which child is the better gymnast?

Google growth mind set. Failure is only humiliating if you allow it to define you as a person.

nooka · 08/12/2016 05:29

ds and I do taekwondo, and so we've done a few tests. Our dojo does lots of pre testing so everyone is very well prepared (and they go pretty easy on the little kids) but there have been a few people who don't pass over the years, usually because something goes wrong with their poomsae.

We don't do belt presentations until the next session, and so the consequence is that you don't get called up. No humiliation except when you are messing up in front of everyone to test (it's fairly obvious when you mess up your poomsae I think). Mostly people mess up because they get stage fright or if they've just not practiced enough.

OP if your son is a yellow belt then presumably it's only his second testing? Do you think he got stage fright or was he just not confident in his moves? Did he practice plenty at home? Yes it is an out of school club and it should be fun, but it is also a serious sport with expectations about working hard. Will he have the chance to retake soon or have to wait until the next testing session?

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