Musical boy but hates practice - please share your motivating tips!

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My 11 yr DS is musical (grade 7 in one instrument, grade 5 plus in two others, perfect pitch) has just announced he hates practising. He knows he can't make progress without it. Is this a common phase DC go through? How have you helped your DS's emerge out of this? Much that I want him to develop his talent, I don't want him to remember his childhood being just parents nagging about practice...

Perhaps he doesn't actually want to do so much music?!

That's pretty much what I remember of mine... (Says music teacher... I tried to quit at that age). Try bribery.

I find that sometimes abandoning linear progress in favour of wider musical experience (new styles, improv, composition, ensemble) helps.

My DD dropped her first instrument at your son's age (I refused to carry on paying for lessons if she didn't practice) but a few months later she took up a different instrument and played nonstop for about 6 months. She's since taken up other instruments too.

She doesn't do much "proper" practice though - at a rough guess well over three quarters of the time she spends playing is spent arranging, improvising and composing. So maybe your son just needs a different perspective and some time spent widening his musical horizons?

I've got one of those (aged 13), though not quite as advanced. I've said that he can stop after his next exam. He alternates between whooping with joy and considering going on 'for just one more'.

I have no desire to push him to take it up professionally and have just decided to relax about it. We'll see what happens.

Practice is overrated....

Well ok maybe not but what many kids consider practice ie playing pieces from start to finish and saying " done" ...

I'd hope at grade7 your ds has had a really solid " how to practice" grounding ie find the the tricky bits, break them down - even to just getting between two or 3 notes then teach your body to play that (depends on the instrument as to what you need to " teach your body" it might be swapping fingering by thinking exactly what fingers go up and which down, it might be how the breath feels when the sound is right etc) before moving onto anything else. Then add a note or two to the pattern but never allowing anything other than perfection for fear of " learning the mistakes" .

There is clearly much more to it that I know, but it's possible by picking the difficult bits, and beating them, to get a piece worked up in a short time.

Certainly my gang don't believe in over practicing , but practice properly when they have to.

At 11 I'd suggest a combo of work on really focussed short practice and just enjoying ensembles / orchestras or what ever- make lots of music! Whilst taking pressure off him, unless he's actually got a burning ambition to be a career musician.

I might also have a word with his teacher and think if he needs to step off the exam treadmill for a bit. Exams are always better approached " from above" when the skills needed are really well within your capabilities. Our 1st study teacher really doesn't set much store by exams - they almost have to plead to do one! Maybe leave grade 8 year or two unless he " must" do it for some reason. ( and if he " must" he'll have to practice!)

What does he want to do in all of this?

He is rather like my DS, mines about a grade behind, 3 instruments 4, 5 and 6, chorister, perfect pitch.

At the moment he is mostly playing in lots of groups (school and music service) and enjoying his music, or at least he will now he has got over his theory exam. Does he play in groups

I've helped ds emerge out of this by letting him give up. I look back and feel absolutely no regret at all about stopping playing the viola at the same age. I did, to be fair, go on to do a few years' piano and many years' singing - no regret at giving them up either, though I do find I am now enjoying tinkling a little bit for fun.

Sorry if that doesn't help!

But grade 8 counts towards some exams (GCSE?), doesn't it? Can he be motivated by this? So close to grade 8... I, as a parent, would insist at least on finishing first instrument....

Substitute, as suggested above, can help too, the friend's dd wanted to stop violin lessons but discovered electro violin and is still playing!

Thanks all. Theas what you said strikes a chord, although focussed effective practice is also a skill he needs to work on.
What is with kids wanting to play through?

I wouldn't put pressure on him to do grades.
My ds (13) has stopped doing grades a while ago, his last was grade 5. Atm he's playing roughly grade 7 pieces.
We have changed teachers because all he did was grade pieces and he was bored. The new teacher is fantastic, gives him lots of different things, he can bring in things to play and she works on it with him, nothing is deemed too hard, too quirky.
He also started composing with Sibelius which has really changed his understanding of music.
Ds will probably only do grade 8 at some point and is very likely to do music for A Level (and maybe beyond).
He is also a chorister and will take up another instrument soon, hasn't made up his mind yet.
Effective practice is something the teacher should teach him. I think most children would just play everything once and "done".
I started sitting with him during practice again because he asked me to. Much more effective.

DS is in Y10. I got sick of hearing myself nag about practice about this time last year. In a few years time he will be off at University and I won't be there to "remind" him to get the instrument out so he needs to remember to do it himself. My original suggestion was that he play as soon as he comes in from school, before he sits in front of a screen but that was unacceptable - "I need to relax" etc. I told him that he was going to be responsible for his own scheduling, we looked at his weekly commitments, worked out what days would work best and I stepped away (after gagging my husband). That worked exactly as you might expect - more gaming, less practice. His range suffered almost immediately and he struggled at band with pieces he could previously play. He thought he was doing lots of practice but I'd been marking it on the calendar and could demonstrate that he wasn't.

We went through it again, this time with reminders on his ithing. That also failed because he couldn't hear them with headphones on. We revisited the cycle of no practice, poor performance, failure at band, much woe.

In the end it achieved what I wanted, although the process was a bit fraught and took longer than I anticipated. He now comes in, takes his blazer off, has a drink and gets the instrument out of the case. For us the turning point was him recognising just how quickly he lost his edge when he didn't practise regularly. Having me tell him that would happen was not the same as experiencing it himself.

Coffeebeanie's point about the teacher is a good one too. My DD's piano teacher is great - he guides her in choosing pieces of music that might be suitable but there is no such thing as "too hard". He also encourages her to think about the structure of pieces (chords, harmony) which has helped her with composing and arranging.

I think there is a definite watershed with music when pre-teens start wanting to assert their independence a bit. A lot of young children who are
technically good musicians just have very insistent parents but there comes a point where insisting on practice is a lot more difficult unless you're a real tiger parent - and at this point the child's intrinsic motivation is really what counts. Keeping a preteen or teen interested might involve a change of teacher, or a change of approach, or a new instrument ... depending on the individual and their interests and strengths.

DD won't ever be a top-flight musician in terms of technical ability - she started too late and doesn't practice enough. But that's not what she's interested in anyway - her ability and interests are more in the area in composing and arranging.

Ishouldbeweaving thanks for sharing your post. I think my DS is growing up and asserting himself, and we are in the process of negotiating new lines of responsibility re everything from home work to screen time and yes music. Will encourage the ensembles (his favourite), and definitely ask his teachers to teach him that focussed practice skill.

Mistigri, I am not tigerish, and fed up of hearing my own voice saying the 'p' word. DS is keen to perform well but would rather 'wing it' than graft. Much that I would rather protect him from a potential painful drop in playing standard, I think it's important for him to learn for himself the importance of the practice. He loves the fun of playing, but wants all fun and no work (well who wouldn't if it were possible?!).

Will endeavour to avoid saying that'p' word, and let him take responsibility. Will let you know what happens!

I think you just have to think about the "fun" side and work out where the right balance lies.

DD is reluctant to consider doing formal music studies because music is so important to her (as an emotional and creative outlet) that she doesn't want to "spoil" it by surrounding it with obligations. Or maybe that's just teen justification for being lazy ;)

worriedandlost Grade 8 doesn't count towards GCSE or any other exam. However Grade 6 and after do give UCAS points

Mistigri

"DD is reluctant to consider doing formal musical studies because music is so important to her"

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes !!! Certainly what my big two have said only they put it as fearing they will end up hating what they love because they'll " have" to do it instead of choosing it.

He obviously HAS been practising, to have got to Grade 7 at age 11, which I think is pretty good. (It's a pity you are coy about telling us what instruments are involved.)

I wonder if ambitious parents will EVER realise they don't OWN their children's lives, and let the poor kids get on with things that really do matter!