managing children's expectations

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help please. How do you manage your children's expectations of themselves in an activity whilst still encouraging them and making them think they are doing ok? Also how do you deal with it when siblings do the same activity and one finds it much easier so potentially will catch up with the other one?

any advice?

I have a nearly 6 year old and a 7 year old, both do quite a lot of dancing, both like dancing, both think they are brilliant. I don't want to knock their confidence but naturally they are probably just average to good I would guess. Both think one day they will get through auditions into shows and panto and so on, get moved up when the better ones are/take exams in the first exam group and that kind of thing. How do I manage their expectations, make them realistic but still have dreams and hopes as well as keep the drive to TRY and do these things but help them be aware that these things MIGHT not happen so that they don't then have quite so far to fall if they don't do as well as they hoped. Both have quite perfectionist attitudes.

Am I just overthinking it and I should leave them to get on with it and deal with the fallout when it happens or how can I help them build the right attitude to it all.

Also the younger one finds it all a lot easier than her sister (who has some motor planning issues) and I am aware that she 'looks' more of a natural dancer and at some point is highly likely to do a bit better which would knock the older one's confidence terribly (it is obviously frustrating when your younger sibling can do everything you can do and sometimes do it better).

Would be grateful for any advice please. Thanks

My DD sings, dances and acts. She is in competitive groups so knock backs happen. I maintain that as long as she always does her best I will be proud. We discuss how sometimes the director/ examiner etc. is just looking for something different, so she was not necessarily bad just not what they were looking for.

I think where you have potential sibling rivalry issues and where one child is noticeably more able it's probably sensible to steer them into different sports, or at least different classes. My children are 20 months apart and the youngest one is distinctly more sporty and the older one more artistic - they have never done the same activities.

Maybe you could have your less coordinated child do a freer, more expressive, less exam-oriented type of dance like contemporary? My not-especially-coordinated daughter turned into quite a good contemporary dancer after a few years; she's dropped it now but it was a good experience for her.

As a general rule I try not to raise unrealistic expectations and to emphasize that effort is more important than achievement especially in the early stages.

thank you - that is what I am trying to do. So explaining that we will happily support them if they want to audition for panto but they have to be aware that height, appearance, the heights of the other children, singing ability, expression, dancing etc all play a part in it so it is perfectly possible you just aren't right even if you are good or that on the day someone else is better etc.

gosh it is hard. I would personally have steered towards different activities but they both demanded the same and the less coordinated one is exceptionally stubborn and hard working so her determination and effort tend to carry her through pretty well. She wouldn't want to change to something else I don't think but I think she is better suited to modern whilst her sister is better suited to ballet so perhaps as they get older they will still do both (and tap, and flamenco if they get their way) but they will learn to recognise they have different skills/talents.

It is difficult!
I found (I have 3 dc) that all my dc tend to assume that if dd1 did it, then dd2 will do it, then ds will do it.
Sometimes it doesn't happen, and there's nothing can be done about it.

My dc all dance. None are brilliant, they're all average minus . But they enjoy it. They do things like the local panto auditions happily with no expectation of getting through.
The girls are also aware that ds is much more likely to ever be chosen simply by being a boy! Dd2 has some special needs that sometimes means she will be discounted out of hand (not a pun-she's missing her hand) but sometimes gives her oportunities that the others can only dream of.

However what does help with mine is that they do a non-audition panto (at least for the juniors), they do have their own interests (eg they all do musical instuments, but different ones) and I do enourage them to see themselves as a team not competitors. I am happy to say to them "A is better at ballet, B is better at tap imo". I wouldn't ever rave about one's ability in front of any of them, but I will sometimes say one is better at one thing, the other at the other. I am most inclined to praise effort rather than ability too, which obviously is something they can do more about.

The other thing I'd say is don't underestimate determination. In my db form there were identical twins. Except one was definitely the elder/better at everything. The "younger" twin was much more determined. When it came to auditions/competitions the "younger" did far better to everyone's amazement, because the "older" had not worked and didn't have the same determination to do well.

And lastly, I don't allow the fact that one will have an opportunity and another won't (either from circumstance or ability) to stop the other from doing it. My experience is that it does even out in the end. I think if it doesn't for yours them you might need to address this though.

I think that if you keep their fingers in several different pies, so to speak, they don't really know how good the other one is at the things they aren't both doing.

Mine both swim, dd is brilliant at it, ds isn't. we allow dd the glory of this as she really deserves it and acknowledge ds's struggle and support and encourage him as best we can without comparing. DD is happy to help him with things he has found difficult and that's gone down well.

There are other sports and activities that they've done to varying degrees of success and other than a no-more-than-four a week rule, we've just encouraged and enabled them to do whatever they've fancied. It settles down as they get older and at 6 and 7 it's not really obvious what they're going to persist with or be good at.

Just let them get on with it.