DD nearly 7, can't and won't swim :( Help!

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Ok, I apologise now for waffling but long story! Due to my own issues (not water fear related) I never took DD1 swimming when she was younger. The first time I tried to take her swimming she was 4 and ended up clinging onto me for dear life, refused to let go. Basically it was a complete disaster and even though myself and my DH tried again with her a couple of times after we always had the same outcome so gave it up as bad job.
When she was 5 my SIL took her a few times and said she was fine with her, a little clingy but enjoyed splashing around and even went down a small slide. However SIL moved away so DH took her again. Same story as before; she refused to let go, cried and created a fuss. So again decided that maybe swimming just isn't for her.
She changed schools at Xmas (for the better, she is super happy at her new school) but with her new school she will be going swimming in year 3 (which she goes into in Sept) so I decided to pay for private swimming lessons. She has done 2 5day crash courses (£75 each) which resulted in her getting her 5metre badge (with arm bands and after a lot of fuss!) which we were pleased with given her fear at the beginning. DH took her twice after that as special Daddy-Daughter bonding time and she ended up doing 130metres which she was thrilled about and came home very excited.
But this morning he took her for the 3rd time and she clung onto the side; refused to let go and generally seemed as though she was back to square 1!!
We are both at the end of our tether and don't know what to do. We have tried praise, rewards, bribery, being stern, getting cross etc We have discussed her fears/worries as did the swimming teacher but DD couldn't explain other than to say she doesn't want to drown. She has never had a bad experience where she has nearly drowned or anything happen to make her feel like this so it seems almost like a phobia. But can they come and go?
I am worrying what will happen when she goes with school and also we have our first family holiday in 5 years coming up where there is a lovely pool and I was hoping we would have been able to use it!
I would love to pay for more lessons but simply can't afford any more crash courses and the teacher said she wasn't at a level where she could go into a group lesson due to her reliance on the 1 to 1 situation where the teacher was in the pool with her.
I'm not saying I want her to be an Olympic swimmer! Just to be able to be safe in the water and have fun.
Can any of you advise me or have come across this problem before? Sorry again for long post x

Anyone? Please?!

Maybe don't do lessons just go as a family to a fun session so no real pressure to swim iyswim
Hopefully she will associate swimming with fun and maybe she'll gain more confidence as such

I would just all go as a family for fun and make sure it is every week. Don't worry about swimming - just water fun. Agree with NckyNacky.

Thanks for answering NooNoo, to be honest thats what DH was trying to do with her..it was her request to swim some lengths..not him pushing her. All he wanted her to do today was play around and splash about a bit but she wouldn't let go of the pool edge! And that was in the baby pool! She then said she wanted to go in the big pool so they did but again she clung to the edge and refused to let go! After 15 mins of being in the big pool getting cold he gave up and brought her home.

You need to take her regularly (at least once a week bar illness or calamity). There is no substitute for it. I would not pressure each time, just invite her to play in and around the water. Let her take her own time. Can you go to a warm shallow pool?

Don't despair; DD was the biggest scaredy-cat you can imagine about swimming until nearly 6yo. Her first lot of swim lessons were a disaster. I did start to despair, if I'm honest. Swimming with friends convinced her to be braver & now she's brilliant (got a 5000m badge last yr, age 10).

Sorry but (Xpost) he's expecting too much if he didn't have the patience to stay more than 15 minutes. Stay a minimum hour each time & if she just clings to the sides so be it. She won't get confident from being put under pressure.

DD is reading this with me (naughty girl should be in bed) and giggling at how bad she used to be.

My youngest is 9 and can't and won't swim. He does love being in the water though and I'm hoping our villa holiday with a pool will be the final stage in his teaching himself. He's always hated lessons and seems to need to do it t his own pace

buy some pool toys - watering can, some dive sticks, a rubber ducky. Also take a baby doll. Just sit on the steps with her toys if she wants.

Put her in armbands or a ring, and just play so she gains water confidence.

Dont take her in the big pool until she is confident.

Just be prepared that you might stay an hour if she clings to the side, but stay the hour. Toys are a good idea.

well we used the uswim online lessons with DS1 who didn't like the water at all.

we considered lessons but thought it would be a waste of money to have him screeching whilst hanging on to the side. I printed out the certificates and gave him a special folder to put them in. We started 12 months ago by going every week or fortnight. He is now 8 1/2 and can do a passable catch up freestyle... although we are still working on getting the breathing right. a MASSIVE improvement... although he is very driven to get certifictaes/ awards which helped a bit. Also we had to promise not to move out of the teaching pool ( where he could comfortably touch the bottom) although he is now happy sometimes to go out of his depth ( and is improving all the time)

Hi all, sorry I'm only just replying, have had computer probs grrr..thanks for all your advice..should have said he didn't leave after just 15 mins..they had already been in the baby pool for 40 mins! Where he kept his patience whilst she clung to the side and moaned! Have to say she is known for being a drama queen too and can make mountains out of molehills!

Well having read all your posts we will persevere and take on board your tips..really hope one of them will work!

Still can't understand though why one week she willingly swam 130 metres without any fuss but then the week after did completely the opposite?! Thats the frustrating part...that we know she CAN do it but for some reason WON'T do it...seems to be more of a will than skill issue..and she is incredibly stubborn not at all like me!!!

is she doing it for attention do you think, rather than our of fear?

Very possibly Boney but no idea why if that is the case..she gets plenty of attention! And if that is the case how do I conquer it?!

Go with some on with younger DCs where she can just splash about with them in the shallow end.
No trying to swim, if she's watching the younger ones play she may forget to be scared.

I would also say keep going. My DD was like that, she used to stand in the shallow end pretending to cry. We eventually decided ignoring her was the best tactic.

Could you find a play pool- the type with slides and waves and rapids- and take her with a friend? You can do most of that with your feet on the floor- maybe not rapids!! And that might spur her on?

I think the younger children idea is good.Maybe suggest she helps to look after them.

Firstly I have been in your position, Ds1 was fine in the water by himself, where he could stand up and have a splash about but if you went near him he would freak out and back away from us. And we went to center parcs twice a year

So, as he was also about to start the whole year 3 swimming thing so he also did an intensive course where he could swim with 1 disc thing on each arm.

He started going in year 3 and they have a small pool which he was in. Then Dh joined a gym last summer, he goes daily, and we pay to go every weekend for a swim. That was the best thing we could ever do, he has progressed so much, in fact at the swimming gala last year he barely made a 10m without armband, this year he was in 25m relay. He has got a dolphin 4 badge this year.

So I would ignore her clinging to the side, when she starts swimming in school the non-swimmers and the not so great swimmers are usually in a small shallow pool. I actually go on the swim run as I volunteer in school and I have never seen a child refuse to get in or cling to the side. I think it will be very different when your daughter goes with school.

She can clearly swim so she isn't going to drown, the children who we fear for are the ones whose parents excuse them week after week, as they probably don't go with their parents either. They can't swim at all and by not letting them go every week with school they are not going to learn to.

thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. Its reassuring to know its not just my DD that has swimming issues! Will try all of the above and see how things go...on a positive DH did take her again this morn to a play pool with beachy area, he made no attempt to ask her to swim just sat in the shallows and waited for her to join him. When the waves started and she ran away he simply said "oh ok then..you go but I'm staying here"...after 5 mins sitting on the side she rejoined him....

Yes, my DD didn't want to learn to swim when she was 7, but the school had swimming lessons on Friday which she didn't enjoy. When she was 9, we visited our local pool as a family.At first she was reluctant but...

Fortunately, my DS already knew how to swim. Eventually, after some sessions at the pool she learnt breastroke and the doggy paddle. At 10, she didn't visit the pool much (maybe only 5 times that year?), but apparently swimming is something you don't forget. But soon, strangely enough, at 11, she started to actually like swimming. Now she's 12 and visits the pool once a week (if she has time). Now the problem is, it's my DS (14) now who doesn't like swimming... (he used to). So don't worry, you are not alone!

I think you need to make a commitment to going regularly. It would be best to go as a whole family once a week without fail. Floatation aids might help her feel more confident. I would play games with toys in the water - whether she joins in or not.

I wouldn't talk about it with her - not a big deal idea. Just make it part of the family routine.

good to hear you're finding a more laid back approach gets results. :)

I don't have time right now to read all 23 comments, BUT, my dd was just like yours. We used to take her to baby classes. She did great. But then due to work and we moved further from the pool, we didn't go as often. Sometimes after she turned 2 she became afraid of the pool. She'd go up to her knee but that's about it. She'd scream as if we're beating her if we took her in any deeper. We kept trying and trying, just family swims, but no results. We did the bribery, we got her all sorts of goggles (hoping one would be better than the other), etc and nothing.

Sometimes last year, I think it was soon after she turned 7 (year 2), we had a talk. Her fear of water was getting ridiculous and I seriously thought of taking her in to see somebody. From the talk we made a deal. We agreed to give swimming a really good try. I told her I'd get her a private teacher and to try to be brave. Dd agreed for a few reasons. She hated her fear. She was crying and upset for being so scared of water. She also wanted to learn because in a year there will be swimming at her school and she didn't want to be that one person who couldn't even get into the pool.

Just a background on the teacher... I asked everybody I knew, locally, who is really good with kids. I got a few referrals and decided on one after we emailed back and forth a few times with questions and answers.

Whether the teacher was good or dd was just determine to get over her fear but she did it. We went private a couple of times and the teacher and I decided that dd was ready, and will be fine, going into a group swimming lesson.

A year and a half later dd is in level 5 (out of 7 here). She went through level 1 and 2 in about a term time each, level 3 took longer, I think it was 2 terms. Level 4 was the first time in the deep pool and I thought she was going to sink but she did well and 1.5 term later she got moved up to level 5. She hasn't been moved up to level 6 yet. Move up time was two weeks ago. Who knows when she'll go up, maybe the next term payment but I think she's doing marvellously well for somebody who had water phobia.

Good luck to you! I hope yours will one day be ok too!!

Even if it is a genuine fear rather than attention-seeking, you as a parent have to avoid doing anything that fuels that fear and that means not giving it too much attention.

My dd was a bit like this, this is what I would do: 1-1 lessons with an experienced teacher. For children like this who are hard to teach due to either real or imagined fear, a professional teacher is way better than a parent. I wouldn't have spent 40 mins in the baby pool while she messed around, that's giving her too much power. You need to be firm.

If finances allow (and it will probably only be for a short time), find a teacher who is willing to give 1-1 lessons. Deliver her to the poolside to the teacher and if they allow you to, DON'T watch the lesson - go and have a coffee and pick her up 5 mins from the end.

I did this with my dd. It took ages (but my dd wasn't yet swimming, didn't even put her face in the water so far further behind than yours). She was also v stubborn, we had loads of 'I don't want swimming lessons' and often came out of a lesson sulking. But her wonderful teacher never gave up and I insisted we carry on with the lessons, it just wasn't negotiable. She eventually learnt and now when we go as a family and I see her swimming underwater, I know I did the right thing.

The only thing that worked for us was 1:1 lessons. DS2 was always reluctant, there was always a reason why he didn't want to go to his group lessons (and to be fair a lot of lessons arrange it so that the kids spend more time on the side shivering "waiting for their turn" than actually swimming).

We did a few "crash courses" which he quite liked, then he would revert straight back, lots of clinging, lots of tears and didn't want to join in group lessons. At around 7 1/2 we bit the bullet and organized one to one - I swear I am not exaggerating; he was swimming alongside the teacher in six weeks. We probably did two terms in total but he is now a total water baby - we moved to Sydney and have a pool and he spends a couple of hours in the water every day in swimming season.

It seems like a lot of cash at the time, but everyone I know who has done it says it's worth it.