living with mother

[greenwitch]

Hello girls - please help I need some advice.

My husband and I have been living with my mother for the last year. Our daughter was born a couple of months after we moved in. We wanted to keep my Mum company after my Dad died. And financially it's been great. But emotionally hard work.

Anyway... we're planning to move into a house with a granny flat for Mum. To give my husband, daughter and I back our personal space. And Mum more freedom too.

At the moment we eat all meals together, usually watch telly together etc. I don't want it to be like that when we move. I know we've got to establish ground rules, but not sure what would be a good balance? She doesn't have any social life at all, but she's only 69.

Any ideas for ground rules?

greenwitch xxx

PS I think I sound really hard, but I have tried to do the right thing, I just can't take the interference, and lack of my own kitchen anymore.

Interesting question I think, trying to get the balance right. Is it worth thinking about what annoys you/DH most at the moment? Is it the evenings when he or you get back from work and your monther is around? Or is it during the day (if you don't work?). Have a think about that and work it out from there. For me the evenings would be the time to claim back for you and your DH.

I'm about to move into my father's house and he is moving into a newly converted annex attached to the house. I worry that he expects to eat with us every meal time as he doesn't really cook, and when we see him now every meal is a big occasion with wine and everything, and it certainly won't be like that when we have moved in next to him. But, I am bossy and so I don't think it will be a huge problem...but for me it is vital I have the evenings to myself. Peace after DD's bedtime!

And, you say your mother has no social life at all - this is really hard on you as she will be getting all her support and conversation from you. Can you suggest she does things - joins the WI/bowls club/reading group etc - or have you already tried that?

I don't think your being hard at all. In fact I think you are being a lot more thoughtful than most would be.

As only said it would be good if your mum could build up a bit of a social network herself to try and ease the burden on you. Also do you have siblings that could perhaps invite your mum to dinner once a week or so?.

Perhaps you could arrange for your daughter to go to your mums for tea once a week so that she has some company and you and hubby have some time together on your own. Another night maybe she could come to you for tea. It might be an idea not to have set nights each week just so that your mum isn't disapointed if you want to make alternative arrangements.

Try to go down the lines of a being more special when you do spend time together if your not spending every night together.

Hope everything works out.

How about something like we do with our au pair - she doesn't have dinner with us in the week (and nor do the dcs), but we all eat together at the weekend.

My parents were in this situation. My grandmother came to live with them in a separate granny flat. (I had left home by then, so slightly different situation, but before that she lived with my aunt and uncle who had much younger children.)

Their rule was that she was always invited to Sunday lunch (unless they had been invited elsewhere, but sometimes she would go too) and would cater for herself the rest of the time. It worked very well.

Like your Mum, granny didn't have much of a social life, but she was a big churchgoer which obviously helped and Mum used to drive her to and from church every Sunday. She also used to encourage her to have friends round for tea occasionally but to be honest I think my grandmother preferred her own company most of the time -- she was a big reader.

She doted on young children and whenever any came to the house Mum would bring them to visit Granny. Unfortunately my own dc weren't born until after she had had to move out to a nursing home so she didn't get to see them much before she died.

Anyway my advice is that this could be a very successful arrangement for all concerned. It will be great for your Mum to see so much of her granddaughter, and vice versa, and presumably she will be able to babysit for you when necessary. But you do need to be very clear from the outset what the ground rules are. Also think about what happens when you go on holiday in our situation Gran never came too and when she got older and more infirm it meant we had to arrange someone to come and look in on her every day.

Good luck

Mum has been away for 4 days for the first time since we moved in (my brother broke his ankle) and I can't tell you how nice it's been to have the house to ourselves. We felt like a "real" family.

Thanks for your suggestions, these seem like good ideas.

I particularly like the idea of dd going for dinner/lunch with Mum some days.

I was also thinking of inviting her for dinner a couple of nights a week not fri/sat/sun as these are good family times.

Holidays are interesting. This year, we are going to the lakes for a week and taking her, and then having another week on our own later on. That way we get babysitting one time and the other quality "in" time.

Onlyaphase, I'd love to know how it works out with your dad. We had thought of converting the garage of this house, but thought it would be weird to put mum out of "her" house.

big love
greenwitch

Greenwitch - I think I mentioned my bossiness earlier, but even I had a little trouble summoning up courage to ask my father to move out of his house for me, and to pay for his granary/stable to be converted for him. Luckily it has worked out that we have paid for half the conversion costs each.

This thread has been really interesting for me, and helped to clarify my worries about moving next to my father. Thanks for all input

greenwitch, ive lived like this for 6 years now. Mum and Dad sold up to retire back to wales nad i slit from the ex, so it was a good time to do it. we found the ideal house, a georgian house with the attic as aseperate flat.

I have my own home ( 4 beds, kit, living rm etc) but im on top of mums. when my dad died suddenly it was us living together that go us through it. We've attempted ground rules but they never work. we just got into the routine of the kids have breakfast and supper upstairs with me all week, we have sat & sun lunch together. Ive used the oppertunity to get my degree and strat a business, so having mum here has been great, but i have posted the odd "my B**y Mother" threads!!!

The best thing to do is be honest, sit her down with a pile of details, papers etc and a cup of tea and write a list of what you all want. If you want babysitting and she wants sunday lunch together, then say so. Dont go into this thinking she will stay out of teh way or not interfere just because she is in a granny flat!!

I also pushed mm to get a social life, she is on holiday at the moment!, lets just say the WI saved our relationship!!