Buying a bigger house, partner not keen

[NickSco]

Hello everyone and thanks in advance for any help and advice.

I have been looking for a while at getting a bigger property for my family to live in. My partner and I have 2 children aged 4 and almost 2. My oldest is due to start school next year in August. We currently live in a 2 bed flat which we are outgrowing on a daily basis. I want our family to have what I had as a child and what my partner had as a child and that is a house of our own. Upstairs, downstairs, a private back garden in an area where it will be safe for our kids to play outdoors. I have spoken to a new build company and we match the criteria for a scheme which is going to enable us to get a house where we can get the space we need. The children won't have to share a room growing up and will increase our living space almost by double. We have an appointment to go and speak with the new build company on the 17th. My partner has said that she doesn't know why we can't live here for a couple of more years. She has said that all of this has come on all of a sudden and isn't sure on moving. I have basically organised all of this within the last few days however my partner has known for a while now how keen I am on moving and want to move from a flat to a house. My main driver behind doing this ''all of a sudden'' is because I work in property sales and I know the timescales involved with buying and selling. I am also very conscious of the fact that our daughter will be starting school in less than a year and I don't want to stay here for a couple of more years and then have to pull her out of school when she has made her friends to then be the new girl in a different school and she will need start all over again making friends, I know this can be difficult as children can be really nasty sometimes, especially to the new person... Kids will be kids... From the discussions, I have had with the mortgage lender we are not going to be that much out of pocket and everything should work out fine. Another factor of where we currently live is our flat is round the corner from her sister. We bought this flat on that basis and also because my partner wanted our daughter to go to the nursery with her cousins. Her cousins have now left nursery and gone to school. She has a younger cousin at nursery with her now but I don't think she would find it as too much of an issue as it is her younger cousin and she doesn't have the same connection with her younger cousin as she did her older one. My partner has openly admitted part of the reason she does not want to move just now is that she likes living near her sister and the other reason is basically ''just cos...'' The new house we are moving to would be roughly 20 minutes away in the car. I really don't see the problem, I'm not asking her to move halfway around the world. I also don't think it would be nice to let my child start school with the knowledge we are going to have to move at some point and need to move area due to affordability. We would not be able to afford a 3-bed house in this area and also the new build company offers a scheme which is going to allow us the size of house we need and without the scheme, we would probably be £100k+ away from what we need to move to a similar property. I just want us all to have a house, I don't want to disturb my childs education. I don't want her to make friends then lose them and have to make new friends again as the new girl. The house I have been looking at is also only 2 minutes away from my partners work. The move would actually add on more than an hour extra a day to MY travel time every day. Everything I am doing is for my family and what I feel is the greater good. I asked my partner, don't you want your own home, for us and the children and the answer was - ''I dunno..'' I'm so frustrated and confused. We have been together for 10 years and I feel like when it comes to where we live we have to be attached to her sisters hip. I get on with her sister there is no problems what so ever. I just want us to have a home that is our own and to give us the space that we all need. Am I being unreasonable? Am I missing something?

I would ask MN to move this to the relationships or property board as this isn't really an ethical issue as such, you might get more replies then?

The thing is I don't think either you or your partner are wrong as such. You have some valid points about wanting more space, she has some valid points about proximity to family, finances etc. And I can see that while you feel you've discussed this in the past and now is the right time, she may feel that it's gone from a theoretical discussion about moving at some point in the future to 'I've found the house I want and we're moving there' quite quickly... I don't think she's totally unreasonable in saying that with a 2 and 4 year old you could stay where you are for a good few years yet (people do successfully bring up children right through their teenage years in flats believe it or not, it's quite common on the continent, it seems a peculiarly british thing to think you must have a house and private garden if you have children). But your point about not wanting to disrupt schooling is a good one too (although if the new house is only 20 mins away you could presumably drive her to school from the new house if you moved in a few years) - how do schools local to the new house compare to ones near your current place? If much better where you are now you might be best off staying put, getting her into a local school then moving to somewhere not too far away and dropping her everyday (your younger sibling would then probably also get into the school on sibling priority).

I think basically what I am saying is that you need a really proper adult discussion about the whole thing where you try your hardest to be open minded and listen to her plan and also properly explain your thinking - so e.g. I wouldn't like it if my partner/husband said to me 'I've spoken to a mortgage advisor and we can afford it' - I'd want to go through the exact sums and really understand the 'scheme' and what it means - is it a shared ownership or deposit loan scheme, how much more would you be paying in mortgage a month compared to now, what does that mean in terms of lifestyle and other savings goals etc. Also whether this really is a 'one off' opportunity in terms of the scheme or whether there are likely to be other similar ones operating in a few years time. Go through the schools issue and look at what school the children would attend in either area, how exactly your commutes would be and the journey to see family and any other things you do regularly e.g. childrens clubs or activities. Essentially draw up a proper pros and cons list (which entails both of you admitting that the other's plans have at least some merit) - e.g. Pros of house are more space, owning your own home, Cons are further from family and work, costs more on a monthly basis and so on. If you still really can't agree then would there be some sort of compromise possible e.g. a bigger flat where you live now or similar.

I know that this might be a frustrating exercise - I know how it feels, I have a partner that if it was just up to him would live literally next door to his family (we actually did for some years!) and thinks 20 mins drive away might as well be the other side of the world, I find this so hard to understand as I'm totally different, have never since I left home been closer than an hours drive away and think that's fine, but ultimately I love him and it's both our homes so I would never unilaterally override him, we compromise and both give up our absolute ideal so we are both happy - funnily enough we've landed on living about 10 mins drive away from his mum and dad, aunts and uncles and about 20-30 from siblings (bearing in mind siblings may well move themselves in the future so you can't always totally plan around them). Also, he's slower to make decisions than I am and generally needs what I think is an inordinate amount of time to make his mind up or accept change (albeit he would say I'm rash and impulsive ) so I know I sometimes just have to sow the seeds of an idea and let him cogitate on it for a while, he's also very stubborn so me nagging him constantly or presenting something as a done deal that he doesn't like the sound of just doesn't work. Again, just pretty standard relationship stuff you have to navigate there I think - perhaps your partner is similar, after 10 years you must know how her brain works with this mind of thing? Moving house is a really really big deal for some people more so than others so she may just need more time and to really feel like you are on her side rather than pressing your own agenda here even though you feel it's all for the benefit of the family, if you see what I mean?

Good luck, hope it works out!

Look into ‘non-violent communication’ to support your communication around this issue.
You need to connect with how your partner is feeling, and the method really helps to give space for her to talk about how it makes her feel.
If your understanding of her perspective is the she doesn’t want to move ‘just cos’, this shows that for some reason you don’t have enough insight to be able to reach a compromise.

I agree if you are going to move you should be complete before school application deadlines in January (?)

I don’t agree that you should live in a house with a garden just because that’s how you grew up; living in a flat can be fine with kids. I think you need to be more open minded about other options and not be intransigent.

I do think that if you need more room, you should make a move now. Living in an overcrowded environment is stressful.

But decisions about what kind of house and location should be joint, and you need to work together to find a compromise you will both feel happy about.

I also agree that this should be in relationships.

I was waiting for the part where your partner was saying that she didn’t want a new build because of the environmental implications.