Sibling lives in family home after parents have passed away

[FortunateBanana]

Our parents passed away over 10 years ago and my sibling lives in the family home they left behind. My sibling possibly has autism and/or borderline personality and has struggled mentally all their life, leaned upon our parents heavily for stability and emotional support. They struggle by themselves, I live a few hours away and work long hours and have a family although they have some good friends in a neighbouring town and work nearly full time. Sometimes they spiral, self harm and have suicide ideation. Its been a roller coaster. Me and my husband have struggled really, we raised a family, lost all our parents, worked very hard to clear all our debts except for our mortgage. Meanwhile my sibling has lived all this time rent and mortgage free. We still struggle and have had to work so very hard to keep afloat, and I have missed time with my children. Our parents told me they wanted us to sell their house after they passed, and for my sibling to get a smaller place for themselves and a small mortgage. But as far as I know they only told me this, not them, and its clear my sibling has no intention of doing this, and after all this time it would be much harder for them to do it. I would like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How did you manage to be happy and not resentful? I feel angry and resentful with my sibling. I havn't raised it with them because I think they would just unravel and threaten to commit suicide. They're so unstable, I don't want to add to their hardship. They still cry every day for our parents and they are stuck in grief, no amount of counselling seems to help. Its really hard to figure out what I feel, and what I have a right to feel. I feel like my compassion has become exhausted. They needed to come first all our lives. Ultimately I want to be happy without this resentment and anger eating me up. Any advice from anyone who has experienced similar would be greatly appreciated.

Similar story in the Daily Mail today, they might have some tips -

https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/financial-planning/article-16249997/Mum-died-sister-living-house.html?ico=mol_desktop_money-newtab&molReferrerUrl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymail.com%2Fmoney%2Findex.html&_gl=11xj41z3_gcl_auMTE3MTgwODM3MS4xNzkyMzA5NTgx_gaOTI0MzI5NTcuMTc3NjczOTkwOA.._ga_C9F47K6NW6*czE3OTM3Mzk3NjQkbzEzMSRnMSR0MTc5MzczOTc5NiRqNjAkbDAkaDE2Mjc1NzUxMDM.

What did your parents Will state?
Surely it depends on this?

What does the will say? Was their estate liable for iht?

Did the have a will? Who is paying the mortgage/taxes/upkeep?

Sometimes you just have to accept life as it is or the "what if" will eat you up.

Your sibling isn't going to leave the house are they? You'd drag all of you through hell , spend a fortune, to get your share then either live with the guilt of your siblings suicide or live with the demands and guilt trips and needs of supporting them with much worsened mental health.

Just let it go. The house wasn't yours. It could have gone to care home fees or been donated to a cats charity or been eaten up by debts. Yeah it'd be lovely to have, but it'd be lovely to win the lottery, no point getting upset when you don't.

It can be hard not to feel jealous that someone else has stuff you don't or has had support you havent. But ask yourself this. Would you rather have their life? No point being jealous of someone you wouldn't switch places with.

If it’s in the will then just say it’s what your parents wanted and get a solicitor to deal with it all.

What did the will say? Has nothing been done with their estate overall?

Did your parents leave a Will? If so, what were their wishes in the Will, relating to the house? Does your sibling have a lifetime interest in the property, meaning they can live there until they pass away?

If the Will stated that the property should be sold, then is the sale proceeds supposed to be split between you both or just to your sibling?

Unfortunately, if you want to sell the property and your siblings doesn't, you would need legal advice. I suspect you would need to force a sale, via a Court order. Is your sibling capable of maintaining the property? You have a vested interest in the property, if the condition deteriorates, it's value will decrease.

This situation has been left for 10 years now, so it's very clear your sibling has no intention of moving out. Does your sibling work? Would a mortgage even be possible (taking into account, age and employment)?

Sadly, I think if you want your share of your inheritance, you are going to have to force your sibling's hand.

I get it’s difficult when you’ve struggled financially to see your sibling essentially get a ‘free’ house. But ultimately you don’t need it. They do. It would cause a lot of issues to try and challenge ownership right now. You could get a solicitor if you wanted to do that. Otherwise maybe just talk to them?! You and your husband don’t need it so surely don’t mind sibling living in it. So why not approach in that way but suggest it then be left to your children once sibling passes? (Assuming they don’t have any children themselves)

I’m inclined to agreed with this, however, you should still seek legal advice to make sure it is set up properly…

It would be almost cruel to force them to leave the house now . I don't think you could live with that. But you should try to establish things with your sibling as to rights to the house , their will etc . Whose name is on the deeds would be the first to establish. If your DCs are the only grandchildren would they make a will leaving it to them ? This may make you feel better about it being their residence .

Yes you would still need legal advice in any case and sibling would have to set that up for your children. But it’s better to approach it like that rather than because you want sibling out so you can have half of the house now. Unless you genuinely need the money. No relationships ruined and at least you know your children will inherit

As PPs have said, it depends what the will says. If the will says that the property was left to the two of you, perhaps a solicitor can direct your sibling to buy out your share by taking on a mortgage? (You have said that your sibling works, and if they don’t have any dependents, perhaps they could afford mortgage repayments).

What did the will say?
Is your sibling paying the bills/council tax and maintaining the property well.or do you have to contribute?

Is your sibling oblivious to the massive benefit they have ended up with over you? Have they ever referred to it at all?

In the real world you'd be entitled to ask for rent on your 50% - what would happen if you suggested this?

I think the easiest thing for now is to try and ensure your sibling has a will in place to ensure their half of the house passes to you or your kids when the time comes.

Unfortunately I think after 10 years it's going to be incredibly difficult and dramatic to expect them to sell up.

What does the Will say?

I'd tell them they can stay but have to pay 50% rent.

OP doesn't even mention the word 'will', which is odd in the circumstances.

Get legal advice, OP.