My grown child wants to meet me.

[Ain0]

I dont realy know where else to ask this. If this is the wrong place, then please say so and ill take it off.

I have had a child, without going into too much detail, none of it was my choice. Neither carrying the child, nor conceaving.

For that and other reasons, i have been no contact from my larger family and the child. She is raised by my sister.

Now she has contacted me and she wants to meet me. And i realy dont know what to do.

I dont want sympathy, i have made decisions many will likely look down on. And im not sorry for that. I am aware its not her fault, i still have a form of resentment towards her, so in my eyes she is better off with my sister, so am i away from that all.

I guess what i am asking is, what would you do? What does she expect? Is it even the right decision to meet her to beginn with?
My instinct is to not meet, though im not aware if she knows the circumstances and if closure would potentialy help her. Or is she better off not knowing any of it?

That sounds very complicated and upsetting. I’d seek counselling or therapy first before making a decision. You made those decisions for good reason at the time so perhaps you are not able to engage right now. I’d consider writing a letter to her if that seems right. Can you speak to your sister? You are entitled to take some time to consider such a mammoth change, I hope you have some peace with your decisions and are able to seek further help from a professional, maybe charities that deal with adoption could help you with counselling, Barnardo’s maybe? I’m not sure but I wish you the best.

I think counselling first is an excellent idea from @PTSDBarbiegirl but perhaps let her know you're considering her request and it means a lot to you rather than giving no response. I also think if you feel the resentment will come through when you speak to her then don't meet her. Perhaps just write something kind about how it wasn't her fault in a message.

In terms of what she expects, just speaking for myself I am in your DD's situation, I've never met one of my parents and I would love to. Personally I do not want to hear any details about my conception and my parents relationship/any awful events or painful details. I don't want to know I ruined their life or caused them pain even though I'm sure I did. I just want to ease a deep feeling of having been abandoned due to there being something wrong with me as a person. She is most likely slightly curious about you, has high hopes, and mostly wanting to give herself peace of mind that it wasn't her fault. She most likely wants to know you are a good person because you are part of her and she wants to be a good person too. She wants to hear it's not you or her it was circumstances, we won't go into, that were beyond our control.

She may think/feel differently but this is my perspective. I have my unknown parent on a pedestal even now, it would be like meeting a celebrity after all this time. I just want them to be nice to me, light and friendly, and make it clear it wasn't my fault and that you hadn't forgotten I exist.

I think the right thing to do is to meet her

This is such an insightful and thoughtful post.

Do they have a kinship social worker? I would contact them for support/advice with this

I was in similar situation as your child. I believe it's moral cowardice for you not to meet with them, even if it's just the once. The adult's made all the decisions, including you. Abortion was possible. Unless you're from a country outside of the UK. You don't need to give them any details of their father but do bear in mind with the advent of commercial dna sites it's likely they would be able to trace their father. It's easy enough.

Counselling is a good idea.

Perhaps start of with emails, then progress to telephone calls and so on.

Secondary rejection is gut wrenching.