Ex never told me about new girlfriend even after telling our daughter

[White8084]

Me and my ex have broke up and I moved out less than a year. He is now with someone with 2 daughters under age of 14. Our daughter is 13. I'm ok that he with someone new, he went on holiday with his mate and his partner as the new girlfriend is friends of them which I knew he would end up with someone in the circle. However I dropped my daughter off and she went through a photo book of their holiday that was literally on the kitchen work top, I only went in as I dropped a bag of clothes off, and I seen the photo of them together I naturally got upset looked at him and asked basically and he said they have been dating and my daughter knew I had to leave instantly as I didn't want my daughter to be upset. Anyway I'm upset yes as seeing the photos did hurt but I'm ok with this as part of the process but I'm now angry he didn't have the decency to tell me our daughter knew I know he doesn't have to but I know my daughter and it must have been hard for her knowing that I never knew and probably felt she couldn't tell me. So first question is do you think he should have told me when my daughter knew? Then second question when they were on holiday they stayed in a room and left the 3 girls in the room next door overnight to me this is shocking but need to know how to go about talking to him about it as now worried when they go on holiday next this will happen again and don't want her to miss out on a holiday but can't let them go if they stay in a separate room again? Please help. I'm trying so hard to keep things as peaceful as possible with him.

I appreciate you’d rather know if your child’s father is seeing someone for your child’s sake and because this person holidayed with your daughter, but the fact you say you ‘naturally’ got ‘upset’ when you saw the photos suggests there’s far more going on than concern for who is around your daughter. Also, I assume he thought a 13 year old would tell her mother herself? It’s not as though she’s a small child. Or are you saying he told her not to tell?

Did your daughter go on holiday with dad, new gf and her daughters ? You did not know gf and daughters existed until after the holiday ?
I would think it very unusual your daughter not knowing who going on holidays and who she is sharing room with. More unusual that she didn't tell you oncec it happend does she have a phone/text you ?

Honestly I'd presume a child of 13 holidaying with the new girlfriend and her children would have told you about her dad's new partner and who she spent time with on the holiday??

I wouldn't think he felt the need to tell you because I would assume you already knew. The oddest part of this is that your child didn't mention any of it? I suspect she knew what your reaction would be hence going to great lengths to keep it all hush hush.

Additionally staying in a separate room next door with two other teens is also really nothing unusual.

I don't know what he told her, I've not spoke to him about it yet. I just wanted to get others perspective on it first. Yes she is 13 but me and her dad still gets on and I would have thought he would have told me.

Hi no we all knew who was going on holiday but I didn't know they were together before the holiday, my daughter knew but I wasn't aware they stayed in different rooms. It's more I just don't think she's old enough?? And abroad is a bit worrying in these times

I assume your daughter didn’t tell you as she knew what your reaction would be.

Agree with Daisy chain that your daughter won't have told you to avoid upsetting you, as sorry to say probably did your ex. I don't think you should bring it up with him, he doesn't have to share information he doesn't wish to with you, yes you get on and that's great but you seem to feel that means more than what he does. Your daughter is capable of telling you if something was wrong so don't worry. Carry on as before.

I know it wasn’t deliberate but you need to be moving on from your ex. It’s over. You can’t be getting hurt when he does stuff.

Try not to put your daughter in the position of secret keeper to avoid hurting you. It’s not fair on her.

From now on dont show youre upset if he gets engaged or throws his gf a big party or whatever other unexpected thing happens that you think back to the past when it was you and him. You have to be all “that’s nice dear” kind of thing. Cry when out of sight and don’t let her know if necessary. She doesn't need your drama.

With regard to the separate room as long as the three girls are together and it’s through the wall from dad and they lock the door they should be fine.

Old enough for what? A 13yo not being in a room with parents?
And re the photo book. Do you mean you saw it on the counter in his house, picked it up and went through it?
What would you think if he came to your home and went through your personal stuff?

No of course not my daughter did I'm front of me and happened to see it, I would never do that.

don't want her to miss out on a holiday but can't let them go if they stay in a separate room again?

I’m a bit confused as to what you think the sleeping arrangements should be? Is this two separate hotel rooms, next to each other? It sounds fine if they’re in the room next door, unless they don’t get on. Would you prefer an apartment set-up where they’re all in the same suite, but with separate rooms?

Do you think maybe she did it as a way of broaching the conversation. It's very telling you say you left because you didn't want your daughter to be upset when in fact she seems absolutely fine about the whole thing and it's you who she knew would be upset...

You left because you were upset your daughter seemed OK with the new girlfriend, maybe she/he didn't say anything because they knew you would be upset about it.

Yes I think she probably felt she couldn't tell me, to not upset me but I am trying my best to hold my emotions back it was just 24years of my life since a teenager. I've considered everyone's posts and I'm just going to leave it and focus on my daughter and myself to move on. Thanks

I think seeing your ex husband as your Dds dad is maybe better than thinking you two are pals might help you detach.

I think that the girls staying in a different room is fine . Many would say that it’s inappropriate for a parent’s partner to sleep in the same room as a teen.

I think that your dd didn’t tell you because she was trying to spare your feelings. I understand why you’d rather heard it from dd or your ex rather twin see a pic of them out or the blue. I suspect that ex thought your dd would tell you.

I get where you’re coming from op, I think as women we assume men will say ‘let’s sit down and tell her together’. People speak of 13 yos like they’re much older, it’s actually a time where they’re all over the place emotionally and need as much guidance.

I used to know when my then 'd'h was cheating because our toddler would talk about their "other mummy". He used to take dc out for walks and apparently tell potential girlfriends that he was separated and looking after dc. This worked like a charm with some women, in the same way that some men use a cute dog for the same purpose.

Since I divorced him , he has continued to introduce dc to potential girlfriends and his various affair partners, asking dc not to tell the current gf. I have made sure that I haven't asked dc about his relationships or made him aware that I know. This has meant that dc is secure in the knowledge that they can talk to me in confidence and I can give them strategies for dealing with situations.

I think you need to focus on the problem that your DD is so concerned about your feelings that she doesn’t tell you stuff.

Either she doesn’t trust you or feels responsible for you.

Either way you need to make sure you can put your emotions to the side so that your DD can confide in you when she needs to.

I’d be so upset with myself if my DC felt that they couldn’t talk to me about stuff.

I think this is a miscommunication or misunderstanding of the relationship you think you have with your ex.

He probably sees it as a business relationship- with the only business being your child. She's 13 and doesn't need your help to process Daddy having a girlfriend, so you don't need to know. You're thinking there's some sort of a friendship there or some deeper relationship and should be kept updated about changes in his life. I think you need to remember he's probably being civil and polite but you're not friends and he is only going to share the information you need to take care of your daughter.

Re the holiday, it's perfectly fine for 3 teens/ pre-teens to share a room next door to their parents' room.

I think you need to back off and let your daughter and her Dad handle their relationship and let him parent her in his time. A 13 yo will not thank you for trying to "protect" her from a perfectly normal holiday arrangement with her Dad.

I can see why you're finding it hard, @White8084. If you've were with him for 24 years, since you were a teenager, and split up less than a year, that's a lot to still be processing. And it would have been completely reasonable and normal of him to have let you know before the holiday that he was dating the woman that was going with them. (Although how would you have responded to that? Would it have felt very difficult?)

But, as others have said, you need to be careful to own your emotions and not to project them onto your daughter. Eg you left that day because you were upset. Your DD wasn't likely to be upset at that point, as she knew in advance about her dad's new relationship. But you explain it as if you were protecting her. It is helpful for her as she grows up to be able to name her emotions and know what is her reaction and what is her mum's reaction to any situation. Not get them muddled.

Reading something about boundaries and moving on might be helpful. I'll add a couple of suggestions.

medcircle.com/articles/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family/

www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Anyway-Indecision-Confidence/dp/0091907071

You went into his house for a nose around and didn’t like what you found.

He is not obliged to tell you anything about his life. You are not together. He likely assumed your dd would tell you. She doesn't seem at all upset. After all she is going on holiday with GF!
Surely you didn't expect a 14yr old girl to share a room with her father. Not appropriate at all. May I ask why you are upset about her sharing a room with two other teenagers?
Say I think you are still suffering from your marriage breakdown which is totally understandable.

i don’t think he’s done anything wrong,The room arrangements were fine too
although I acknowledge your upset and it probably all still feel raw
maintain a cordial but neutral demeaning. Look after yourself and don’t get drawn into any drama

She probably didn't tell you because she knew how you'd react.

I think it's very positive that he's moved on, formed a new relationship, and that the daughters appear to get on.

Let it - and him - go. Your 'shocked' response is a bit over the top.

But I do think it would have been common courtesy for him just to let you know. I'd want to be aware who my daughter was sharing a room with.