Dispute with x over secondary school

[Clh1991]

Feeling extremely upset & anxious DD will be doing her Kent test in September if she does not pass she wishes to go to our local school 10 minutes away. However my x her dad wants her to go to another school that’s in the city over half an hour / hour in traffic away even if she doesn’t pass her Kent test. He is being completely dismissive of our wishes im so worried my daughter will end up going to a school she doesn’t want to go to that’s going to be a nightmare for us to get to.

Does anyone know what will happen if we do not agree on a school can I just apply for the one of our choice anyway? Just to add both schools have a good reputation but the school that’s in the city there will be more children she knows going there but at a downside she will be having to leave a lot earlier & coming home later , the one near our home because she currently goes to school near the city it’s unlikely any of the children from her current school will be there , I have made my daughter aware of this but she really wants to go to the closer one if she does not pass … sorry for long post im just so worried over what to do

If you're doing the application then just put down the schools your daughter wants. It sounds like the local school would be the one you're in catchment for so she's more likely to be offered a place there anyway.

I'm wondering how much further the other one is and why your ex thinks that school would be better? Is there any reason your daughter doesn't want to go to the school where her friends are likely to be? Either way though, there's no problem with her going to the closer school if she prefers it or wants a fresh start, just put that as your first choice if she doesn't get a qualifying mark in the Kent exam.

Hi so the school is closer to where her dad lives also it is preforming slightly better that’s why he wants her to go there if she doesn’t pass , that & 2 of their family friends go to the school & love it that is why they are set on that one.

So in regards to my daughter not being bothered about being with her friends most of her friend group are going to completely different schools only one of her good friends is going to one of our choices which she is aware of but still doesn’t want to go. The other schools her friends are going to she doesn’t want to go to & don’t have very good reviews also completely black listed by my x & his mum.

Hi so the school is closer to where her dad lives also it is preforming slightly better that’s why he wants her to go there if she doesn’t pass , that & 2 of their family friends go to the school & love it that is why they are set on that one.

So in regards to my daughter not being bothered about being with her friends most of her friend group are going to completely different schools only one of her good friends is going to one of our choices which she is aware of but still doesn’t want to go. The other schools her friends are going to she doesn’t want to go to & don’t have very good reviews also completely black listed by my x & his mum.

Ah ok. And roughly how far are we talking? I'm just wondering because if there's not much in it distance wise it could be worth still considering the other school. OTOH if it's going to take her ages to get to and fro, that pretty much cancels out any very slight advantages and you could be looking at a situation where it 'makes sense' for your daughter to live with him during the week. Honestly though if your daughter has a clear preference for a school which is a) in catchment and b) also very good, then just make sure you put that as your top preference.

Have you visited both or just going by reputation? Because it would be worth doing so if not, you may both feel differently when actually viewing the schools.

You’re the parent. You decide what school she goes to.

Hi I will definitely visit both & nothing wrong with others who have the child stay with the other parent all week for school but both my daughter & I really don’t want that she has expressed she wants to be with me more & that would devastate both of us if that ended up being the case that’s why this making me so worried, I wouldn’t let that happen I would just do the drive there & back

The fact that you consider this school a lot further away suggests that she lives mostly with you - so it's not a case of half the time she's closer to this school and half the time closer to the other school. So surely you just apply for the school you're closest to and as the parent she lives with most, that's the address they'lll take?

Or are these private schools and area/catchment less of an issue?

Either way, I'm not sure why you're so scared. It appears you think that he can make the final decision? Why do you believe that? There are three of you having this conversation and two of you want the school closest to where you both live. Surely that means the decision is that she goes to that school? What doe she have over you that you think will cause him to get to make the decision? Does he pay school fees?

I know I just don’t want to upset her dad & his family which makes this situation very difficult , I know the best option will be the school 10 minutes away if my daughter doesn’t pass other than sending her to a very similar school that’s 2 buses away even half an hour walk from her dads or bus.

Hi yes she does live mostly with me neither of the schools will be private , I just fear they will over rule me & she will end up in another school that she doesn’t want to go to & end up not getting to live with me full time as myself my daughter & her dad agrees will be best for her .. I guess as a person I do not like confrontation & like to try to keep everyone happy so not so much scared they do not have anything over me just don’t like arguing with people & want things to stay amicable which won’t be the situation if I overrule them & pick the closer school hence why I let them choose the first school I didn’t have it in me to say no but I now will act on what’s best for my daughter & listen to what she wants & I know will be best for her.

It sounds like your ex is used to be in charge. The good thing is, you're the one she lives with and you're filling out the forms. You don't have to have a confrontation, you can just let your ex know when you find out which school you're offered. You're not likely to get a place at a (possibly oversubscribed?) school you're not in catchment for anyway.

Just realised I'm being very sexist in assuming that as your daughter lives with you primarily, you will be doing the online application! Is this the case? If I remember correctly it's usually connected to a parent email - would this be yours?

Two buses away is daft. Don't entertain it.

You should investigate which parental address is used in deciding priority for admission- eg the address where she habitually spends the most school nights; the address where she spends most time over the whole week; the address she sleeps at most etc.

If the school your ex wants is closer to him but your address is the one used for admissions, you may find that she would not be admitted to his preferred school anyway.

Look at furthest admitted distance to see whether she stands a genuine chance of being admitted to either school. If you can see she has zero chance of admission to your ex’s preference anyway, you could tactically put it on the form but know that she’ll get your choice anyway.

State school and you are resident parent. So just apply for the school you and your daughter want and use your address and bob's your uncle. Worst case, the LA get two applications and it gets confusing but you can prove that she livs with you.

I suspect there's a lot more to the history between you and your ex because thsi shoudln't be a drama like this and you shouldn't be so scared of him. So I'm sorry it's rearing its head like this.

Exactly. And the ex’s family should have no say in it at all.
Your daughter’s happiness and wellbeing are the most important thing, OP. Tough luck if ex and his mum don’t like it. They’re not the ones who will have to attend the school for 5 to 7 years.
My parents made me go to the more “prestigious” school they wanted instead of the one I really wanted to go to. I wasn’t happy there and never forgave them for dismissing my feelings.