Phasing out of a long marriage

[ManWithAQuery]

Dear mums
I need your advice please.

Question: Can a couple decide to phase out of a marriage?

Context:

Married to my only girlfriend in life for a little more than 20 years now. 2 DDs 18 and 12.
DW was a career woman, left it after first 6-7 years, works in a local college as teaching assistant ( so kind of min wage).
DW had stage 2 tongue cancer last year, but she is an incredible fighter, and is back working for the last 5 months.
We had been fighting a lot for many years now, mostly due to different approaches towards life, parenting, spousal relationship etc.
DW is in command of the house, she is the sun and we revolve around her, but the sun gets angry a lot, pretty much every day and I don’t want to take the heat anymore.

I work in a bank and earn reasonably well, but she doesn’t. I care for her and adore my girls, and still have some honour left in me not to just cut ties with DW especially after what she has gone through last year.

My thoughts : I would like her to explore options outside marriage. There are better and more caring men available for a beautiful and well educated woman like her. I would fully support her and if and when she finds someone to spend her rest of life with, I give her share of wealth 50:50.
I will fully fund my daughters’ education for next 10 years i.e. finish their universities.

I think I will be happier co-parenting my DDs but as a single and unattached man for at least a few years.

Kindly advise; be frank and direct, all suggestions welcome. Thanks

My thoughts: it sounds as though you are the one who wants to explore options outside marriage.

Has your wife expressed anything like this?
Does she know what you are planning for, not with, her?

@Giggorata Yes , as I said earlier, I want to move out of the relationship but with no intention of finding another partner; I just want to be single for a while.
No I have not talked to her. I need advice if my aforesaid approach makes sense.

Can only mums answer?

@Isometimeswonder my apologies 😀 everyone is welcome to answer and advise, so fire away please

Why don't you just get a divorce?

Just get a divorce. Be prepared that 50-50 might not be appropriate. Especially if she is housing the dc and has lower earnings. It may be that she gets say 60-40 on the house and who knows on your pension and savings. Are you prepared for her getting half of your pension? Your retirement will be lesser than you'd planned for as a married couple.

It sounds like you want her to find another man so you can be shot of her.

At the end of the day you don't need to pass the baton like this. Get a divorce. Be prepared for it not to be as friendly as you'd like. She will need time to heal and can't do that and move on whilst married to you.

I agree with the others, just get a divorce.

You need an honest and frank, but kind and gentle, conversation with your wife. Don't pretend this is what is best for her, it's all about you at this stage and how you are feeling. You won't convince her otherwise, so do not even start with that nonsense.

Tell her about how you are feeling and what you want for yourself. Do not presume to know her nor what she would want - do not even go there about 'exploring outside' on her behalf. That is disingenuous and dishonest.

If you genuinely want to save the marriage, say so, and talk about counselling.

If you are done, have made up your mind and just want out, then say so, move out, and start divorce proceedings.

That seems overly complicated. If you are done, you are done. Get a divorce.

Your wife doesn't need you to arrange a substitute. Most women who separate after a long relationship / marriage prefer to remain single for obvious reasons. Be honest with yourself and her.

Have you got a secret cuck fetish? If not, just ask for a divorce. No need for ‘phasing out’, ‘conscious uncoupling’ or other celebrity wanky phrase.

If you want a divorce you can get one. But please don’t do the gaslighting “you deserve better than me, I’m setting you free” approach. Everyone will see it for the BS it is. Own your feelings and decision.

That said have you tried counselling to resolve these issues and find a way you could not be happier? Feels like a shame not to try everything after such a long marriage. As an aside, when women in long marriages get regularly angry it is often because they feel they aren’t treated with respect and as an equal by their partners.

Do you want her to have an affair so you don't have to be the one to break up the marriage?
Sounds to me that being seen as "The good guy/victim" is important to you
If you want to get divorced then just do it and stop navel gazing and thinking of wanky terms for everything

Don’t you think your wife can manage without a Man? Do you think she finds men interchangeable - ie if not you, then another man will do?

Just get a divorce.

@Maitri108 and @Sulu17 thanks for the advice.
@ZenNudist some great pointers, thanks for sharing. I want it to be friendly and less hurting if possible, but I guess you are saying it will be regardless.
@Thegreatestoftheseislove thanks. Obviously I intend to talk about what I want to begin with, but I agree that it would look like pretense if I even try say anything about what she feels, so I better not! Thanks, this is valuable.
@unsync - thanks so much, I did not think about it, much appreciated!
@Anonym00se - haha, well said :-). No fetish here, so I see where you are coming from.
@NowYouSee I genuinely worry for her, especially after the tongue cancer episode, which has also impacted her confidence a bit. But I also see how my post has come across, so thanks for calling it out like that.
@Hoppinggreen no victim in this divorce I guess. But yes, I do worry about what it could do to all of us, including children. Thanks for sharing your opinion.
@olderbutwiser fair shout and probably spot on! I did not think like that, so thanks a lot. I would probably be more impacted, who knows!

Marriage counselling. Don’t throw away a 20 year union because life has dealt you some tough hands.