Dating after my husbands death how soon is too soon?

[LoftyTiger]

first of all i know i shouldn't really live my life according to what people think, but before telling my friends i really need to know some kind of general consensus to see where it all sits just for my own sanity...

so my and my late husband we together for 14 years we adopted a boy who is now 14 but hes lived with us for 10 years, the last 2 years together i wasn't particularly happily married we were working through a few things as adults that our friends didn't need to know, (full disclosure he was a bit emotionally abusive and i had difficulty visiting friends etc, he had major trust issues not that he had anything to be concerned about but it was just pushing me further away) but then my husband became ill and we stayed together because im not a monster, not that that has any relevance per say but maybe a little context to where i am.

now i didnt actively go seeking anything sticking myself on dating sites etc but... a chance encounter in a supermarket with a guy who was apologetic as i bumped into him, it was a bit of a disaster as i dint have a basket, I was trying to carry far too much (came in for one thing then remembered 10 more i needed to get), but it was totally my fault, not his and he ended up wearing some yogurt i was carrying, that's how we met but it sparked a conversation, he fetched me a basket, i said i should pay for his top to at least me cleaned or something, or at least get him something as a sorry then we did the whole awkward thing of finding each other on every aisle afterwards, while i got some new yogurt to replace the one i'd spilt.

then it turns out we're parked next to each other which gets us chatting again, and he gives me his number and that's how it started, mainly me still apologising about him wearing yogurt but im not going to lie the attention was nice, and actually we had alot in common and alot to talk about and he asked me out a few days later.

i said yes, because im 42 and i dont have great self confidence , thats something else im working on, but it was more in my head i was thinking if i went on a date and if he wanted a second one then perhpas there would be hope when i was ready, and my future wouldnt be alone and a single parent for the rest of my life, which is kinda the vibes going off in my head as i felt unwanted at my age with a kid in tow.

anyway so 2nd date i realise this is actually what i want, i feel 21 again, he knows how soon it is and doesnt find it a problem i was 100% honest with him, but im scared to tell my friends, but i dont want to waste this chance either he is a genuine guy and a rare find whos partner left him so has his own stuff going on, but point is we both get on and im not talking about him moving in or anything, its just dating and were taking it slow and not rushing it.

but its only been 2 months since my husband passed away and i cant help but feel some peer pressure from society that this might be too soon from their perspective, but for me im ready and i don't want to miss this chance at love again (not that i love him yet but hopefully you know what i mean) just because im doing what i think society wants me to do, i cant exactly say, "hey why dont you come back in 6 months?" what exactly are we going to both gain from that?

im sure ill annoy my mother in law, im sure some people will fall out with me, but i dont know, i feel lost i've never had to go through anything like this, and noone i know has either, and those i feel i can talk to about it will probably judge me, so i need the internets help, wisdom and guidance???

help? too soon? date him?

People will judge, of course. They always do, especially widows. We are supposed to wear black and cry forever. Do you give up a chance for happiness because of that? No! Equally, I wouldn't share it just yet, and when it's time maybe only with your closest friends, for a while.

I'd also be watching out for any signs in yourself that it's too soon, and any signs in him that he's taking advantage of a vulnerability in you.

Other than that, good luck. If it works out it's a great story of how you met.

I don’t think there’s a set time for these things—if he makes you happy, then why not go for it? If people can’t be happy for you, then they’re not real friends.

My mum passed away when I was younger, and my dad met my stepmum about two or three months later. I was 17 at the time, and it was obvious she was more than just a “friend.” I wasn’t stupid. My dad tried to keep it quiet at first, but eventually, he sat me down and told me the truth. He even said he wouldn’t see her again if I asked him to. But my dad’s human too. I wasn’t about to control his life, just like he never tried to control mine.

If anything, that conversation brought us closer. I respected him more for being honest, and my stepmum never tried to replace my mum. She’s always been supportive—she encouraged us to keep photos up and never once suggested we forget the past.

Of course, my grandparents on my mum’s side weren’t happy. My dad kept the relationship quiet for about eight months, but when he finally told them, they flipped. In the end, they cut ties with both of us. I lost them as grandparents because I chose to support my dad. But I could see how happy my stepmum made him, and I wasn’t going to take that away from him. I don’t blame my dad or my stepmum for any of it—that was my grandparents’ choice. Even now, all these years later, they still don’t speak to us. They’ve never even met my little one.

I love my dad so much, and we’re incredibly close now. If I’d fought against his relationship back then, I don’t think things would be the same.

If I had told my dad to stop seeing my stepmum, where would he be now? It’s been 15 years—would he have spent them miserable? Depressed? Full of regrets? Maybe he’d have even blamed me. Mental health is a real thing, and depression can be a slippery slope.

Sometimes, love only gives you one chance. And if you’re lucky enough to get another, why waste it? But be prepared—family can get messy, the ones that matter will stick with you though.

I think go for it OP because as you say, you weren’t happy in the marriage but stayed because you felt you should.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and if you explain to friends that you were on the cusp of separating, but stayed, then I can’t see how they can judge you and if they do then they’re not good friends.

I think you need to take things extremely slowly. You barely know this person and you're pretty vulnerable right now especially as it sounds like your self esteem is very low. You also have an adopted teenager who has just lost his dad that you really need to be concentrating on. I think your priorities right now need to be with him personally.

It sounds like you've only been on two dates and this man is already taking over much of your head space. That's not healthy and not good for you or your son if that is the case. I think you need to take a big step back and concentrate on other things while keeping this very casual right now. You know nothing about this man apart from what he's allowed you to see on a couple of dates.

Exactly this. It's perfectly natural to enjoy the attention but please take things very slowly until you you know him a lot better. Tell others he's just a friend. If he were a woman and you had exchanged numbers and met up twice since bumping into her at the supermarket no one would think anything of it. They'd be pleased you had a new friend.

I éco the fact you are vulnerable and need to be careful. If his ex left him then maybe he’s not so great and he won’t be showing that side. Your husband was abusive so perhaps do the freedom program online just so you can spot red flags in potential new relationships. I’ve had a string of abusive partners and that’s not uncommon when you have had one you fall for the lovebombing at the start of something new. Not saying that’s you but be careful.

being careful does not however mean don’t date! If you want to then go for it. Keep him as a friend publicly if that makes you feel better. He shouldn’t be meeting your child for a very long time anyway as should be the case with a new relationship ordinarily but for a bereaved child even more so.

have fun and enjoy yourself carefully is basically what my advice is.

I know a lady who remarried two years after her husband’s death and people still criticised her for the speed of her second relationship. Her first marriage had been happy too. People will always be critical.

I think as long as you move slowly, maintain boundaries for your son and don’t rush through the stages, there is nothing wrong with dating. I would probably get counselling though to help you process everything and so as to avoid repeating subconscious low self esteem related behavioural patterns that may have contributed to the relationship breakdown first time around and to spot early red flags in problem behaviour in potential partners.

thanks for the replies, we are kind of dating now, things are still going slow, still keeping things quite casual and he is a "friend" to everyone i know for now

Hi, @LoftyTiger. I have to tell you how much your chance meeting happening - it's lovely - really made me smile and warmed my heart towards you. Everything happens for a reason. I am so glad that you are dating - just take it at your own pace (both of you). There is no right or wrong way or a time limit on when you should start dating again. Your true friends will be delighted for you. I wish you both well for your future happiness. Take care. 💖

To most people - who are unaware of the difficulties in your marriage - 2 months would seem too soon. A bit shocking, tbh.

In your circumstances, I’d keep the relationship to myself and take it very slowly.

It may not be too soon for you, sounds like your marriage was over a while before your Dh died but it may be too soon for you son. He’s had a lot of upheaval in his life and doesn’t need a new man taking your attention 2 months after his dad has passed away.

It’s lovely you’ve found someone but please for your sons sake take it slow.

Agree!!!
Such a lovely story - best thread!!! -thanks for sharing
Yes take it slow.
My mother was widowed last year after my dad’s long illness and a widower who lives opposite was helping her with practical stuff….😀😀 She was reluctant to tell me and my bro’ but we were delighted (and had suspected/hoped)
Given her a real new lease of life.
I have posted elsewhere (hence username) that I am dating a lovely widower and we are talking slowly (my choice), but he has said the the latter years of their marriage weren’t great but Catholics and in any case not bad enough to split. His grown up son is also delighted - no talk of it being ‘too soon’ (which I had feared) as it is different for everyone, and decent kind people don’t judge.
And your gist meeting is just exquisite with yoghurt etc😀😀😀😀🥰

As above, be mindful of your son's feelings. He's just lost his dad and the teen years are difficult enough. You may be "just friends" with this guy now, but your son will soon work it out. He may take it very badly, so be prepared for that.

I've only just seen your thread.

I'm glad you're still dating him.

As has been said many times already, just be careful he's not love bombing you. I haven't ever done the freedom program. (Though I keep tending to just out of curiosity.) it is sadly very common to attract the same kind of man, you don't need another one that is abusive!!

It's a shame you didn't confide in any of your friends when your husband was being abusive, it would have given them more context in you dating so quickly after his death, if my friend had made out their marriage was a good one, and she noticed him through his illness, I would be very worried about her dating someone else two months after he had died. If I had known the truth.., not so much.

How was your son's relationship with his dad?
He's 14, he's really not going to buy the Just friends for very long. If he even does now. Just whatever you do, even if he catches on, be very careful around him, even if he knows your relationship with his dad wasn't great and even if his relationship with his dad wasn't great it's still gonna hurt to see his mum hugging or kissing another man.

Be careful with your heart, but I wish you all the love and luck!

Whatever you do, make sure you keep your son at the front of your mind

if i let anyone take my attention away from my Son id be a terrible parent.

the problem was, by time i wanted to talk to my friends was the same time he was ill with a diagnosis, we also had alot of mutual friends none of us really needed that on top of everything else.

i know hindsight and all that, i was just trying not to make a bad situation any worse, in my head i was worried about creating a divide, and that didn't sit right with me.

its 3 months, nearly 4 now, this guy is very understanding of my situation and isnt pushing anything.

the peer pressure feels a little less now, he's met some people i know in passing and has suggested we stay as "friends" until i feel ready to say anything otherwise.

You can still talk to your close friends and family about the fact that your late husband was emotionally abusive, it's OK, even if he died, it's not disloyal, it's the truth. Even if it's not now, even if it's later.

Take things really slowly, enjoy his company and DON'T introduce him to your son at all for at least a year ,maybe longer. You might be ready to date but it's not fair to involve your child.

I think two months is too soon to make a new relationship public.

its lovely that this has happened for you but I would want a year to quietly get to know one another and see if it’s worth pursuing and also time to enjoy it without anyone else’s opinions bothering you. mine included I guess!

I always remember Nigella Lawson saying on a talk show that there’s no accounting for when people fall in love in terms of timing anyway. This was just after she had met Charles Saatchi soon after her dh had died. And look how that turned out!

Seriously op, I’m happy that you feel good in yourself but imho this is a bit soon, for your own sake, that of your son, and for your late husband’s family. No, we shouldn’t live our life based on other people’s opinions but equally, if we have a son and in-laws they are due some consideration. And I don’t think it’s necessarily good for you to make any major decisions yet as you are still quite vulnerable.

You and your dh may not have been close at the end but it was still a fourteen year marriage and this is a lot of change all at once. And sorry but I think you really can say it’s too soon and come back in six months please; because he will do that if it’s a relationship worth waiting for.

Reading your update , you are going ahead so I hope things turn out well for you both but please be wary of finding yourself in another coercive or abusive situation.

Edit: just read your next update about his suggestion of staying friends for a while which sounds very sensible.

You're right, that you need to live your own life by your own rules. I'm sure some folks will judge, but what if fear of that stops you from meeting someone wonderful, and having some fun along the way? When I left my twat of an ex husband, so not a death but we'd been married nearly 17 years, I was dating straight away. So was he! We both found our new partners pretty quick and we are still settled in those new relationships nearly 2 decades on! My DH is absolutely perfect for me, and I'm so glad we met so quickly and I could get on with the wonderful life we've been living since the day we met!

imagine being 15 and finding out your mum has been dating a mysterious guy for a year without you knowing or even having met them, what kind of relationship can you actually have with your son for that to even happen?

im not the parent of the year or anything but me and my son are very honest & open with each other, about who we see and where we go, sure leave the context about dating out of it but i'm not hiding who im seeing or where im going.

this guy needs to accept my son too at the end of the day, he cant do that never having met him while his mum skulks off for secret liaisons.

i cant be the only one thinking this way surely?

Imagine being 15, your Dad's just died, and finding out your Mum's already dating someone else?!

The only person you need to consdie other than yourself is your son. Does he know you're dating? Where is he when you date? Does he have kids?