SIL always horrible to me

[Fenouillard]

My H and his brother rarely see or message each other but when they do meet they just click together. But my SIL is always horrible to me from the moment we first met. She never does it in front of the rest of the family but waits til she can get me alone, e.g. under the pretence of helping in the kitchen. She is definitely a man’s woman so I’m guessing she sees most women as competition, whereas she is always really nice to my H. I have multiple qualifications and had a very successful job but she has never worked so maybe she sees me as a threat? I just don’t know. But it wears me down to the point that I don’t want to invite my BIL to stay as I know she will come too. But I feel guilty about this. What should I do?

I would calmly tell your DH again how rude she is to you and tell him that you're not putting up with it anymore.

Then don't have any more dealings with her. DH can continue his relationship with his DB but leave you out of it. You do your own thing. Don't invite them round. I wouldn't have anyone in my home who treated me that way. And I wouldn't spend time with them.

@Fenouillard . If it were me, I would set your phone to record when she comes into your 'alone space'. I've been through this myself with my husband's side of the family. I have never been anything but nice to them, but they treated me like shit behind closed doors. Friends saw it, but not my husband (who is the eldest of all of them, and the only one who married) Last straw was at mum in law's funeral, (I'd been diagnosed with breast cancer about a month before), and was a little bit fragile, but still treated me like a fucking leper at her funeral, not being allowedto sit wih my husband. I sat at the back with mine and his best friends and my kids. We moved to the other end of the country 2 years after that, best decision ever. But I still regret not having recorded some of the nasty interactions they liked to have when we were alone. I wish that y hubs could have heard and then understood. Aahhh well. Such is life, eh? Sending you hugs. xo

@DollyPartonsLeftnip great idea to record if I can get there fast enough. Yes I’ve had breast cancer too so I know what you were going through and No I didn’t get any sympathy from that side of the family either. Thanks for the hugs. They mean a lot

@therewasafishinthepercolator good advice. The only thing is I suspect she wants to get a rise out of me that she can take back to BIL, so I'm the one accused of being nasty. So I’ve studiously ignored her gibes up to now. Maybe if I laughed at her it would show her she’s not hurting me (even if in fact she is).

Get over yourself OP
What on earth would she find you a 'threat' about????!

@Debbacat6 the op is just trying to understand why a grown woman is so nasty.

She is poorly educated and is repeating toxic behaviour she has been exposed to. Avoid her, whatever you do will be fodder for her attention seeking . Grey rock her.

Yes, she is intimidated by your achievements and wants to slap you down in order to boost her self esteem. She needs to prove to herself, she has university of life skills/manipulation skills. Care less about her, twat.

Oh look, the SIL has arrived on the thread.

Who knows? Could be anything.

It's a fair assumption to make because when people behave this way, it's generally because they feel threatened. What they are threatened by is anyone's guess. It's created by their perception so it's hard to know unless they are explicit, which is rare.

This has to be one of the most unhelpful and perhaps deliberately provocative posts on MN 🙄

There are people who feel threatened at others who are more educated/highers earners than them and are unpleasant as a consequence. It stems from their own sense of inadequacy and their thought tends to be “she thinks she is better than me”. That is projection of course unless the person concerned is being patronising toward them.

@Fenouillard have you responded ‘in kind’ when she is being a bitch to you? The recording is a reasonable idea. If you know you are going into a space where she is likely to follow (eg kitchen), set the recoding on your phone before you get up to go. It will just look to others like you are checking something more usual on your phone.

Go back into the room where your DH and bil are then ask her to repeat what she said.

She ll lie if you do this. Don’t bother with the confrontation or recording, just bin her off

Give her enough rope and she'll hang herself. If she's as bad as you describe, she will.
You be lovely. Don't seek her out of course but if you are forced by circumstances into an interaction, be pleasant and well-mannered. This is for two reasons.

1. If (when) it blows up, no one will be able to accuse you of any wrongdoing, tit for tat or 'being as bad as each other' (ugh). Not even her. It will be on her.
2. More importantly, she will think you are too weak/polite to challenge her and she will become more bold. Let her become more bold. This is the rope. Let it uncoil. Then boom. See point 1 above.

Play the long game. Ultimately win.

As is often the way on here, the first post nailed it.

@Fenouillard Do you have a baby monitor? If not, get one and set it up in the kitchen with the speaker in the lounge. Switch it on when she comes in the kitchen with you.

I love that this is under ‘ethical dilemmas’ and the OP ends with ‘what shall I do’

Horrible in what way? Purposely going into the kitchen to be horrible sounds bizarre! What is she saying?

Has she said it’s to do with your ‘multiple qualifications’ or ‘very successful job’?

"she has never worked so maybe she sees me as a threat"

This is very sneery. maybe that is why she doesn't like you, and tbh you don't sound like you like her very much either.

What exactly is she saying? Maybe she just doesn't like you? In fairness, you don't sound keen on her either. It doesn't sound as if you have to be around her often if your DH and his brother seldom see one another, so just don't engage on the rare occasions you see one another.

Just calmly challenge her.

"What do you mean by that Sandra?"

Recording her means you care, and why should you care? If she says something rude, just give her a quick verbal punchy, just laugh and tell her ‘I couldn’t care less about your opinion”. If she continues ‘why would I care about what someone like you thinks’.

You have not given examples, so hard to gauge how subtle her comments are.

What sort of thing does she say to upset you so much op?

Just take the high road.

Don't be drawn in.

Reduce the amount of times you interact.

Great suggestion

Of course the OP doesn't like her. What's there to like? Nasty, ill educated, ignorant. Sounds awful