TW - sexual assault - whether to seek apology from apologist friends ahead of wedding

[Catladyy]

I was sexually assaulted (under section 2 of the sexual offences act, so a bad one, for any law geeks out there) in 2009 by a friend. He told our mutual male friends afterwards, saying he felt terrible about what he'd done. All but one refused to 'take sides', some said they'd 'forgiven him' and the consensus was that if I didn't want to see him again I'd have to stop seeing them too - which obviously I did.
The one male friend who (after much discussion) agreed not to subject me to this is still friends with the others. I've seen the mutual friends at his events and maintained a frosty distance. Now this friend is getting married (although not til August '25) and we are all invited to his wedding (except the perpetrator).
I don't want this to be an issue at the wedding, but there will inevitably be tension. I wonder if I should message a couple of the (ex) mutual friends that I was closest to and ask them to apologise. They are the sort of guys who went on the women's marches after #metoo and I find it hard to believe they would react the same way now. But will this actually result in apologies all round and a more congenial atmosphere at the wedding, or will I just open myself up to more gaslighting and have to relive the trauma all over again?

I think if you have to ask for an apology and get one, they are doing it under duress and it's therefore worthless.

I'd hold the frosty distance unless they come and volunteer an apology.

Sorry for what you have been through.

If they wanted to apologise they would have already and an apology you have to ask for isn't a real one anyway.
I am sorry this happened to you OP but unfortunately even men who think they are allies rarely are when it comes down to it.
Also, if you do go I think you have to accept that you can't really get into your SA or the aftermath at the wedding, its not fair on the wedding couple. I understand why you might want to but if you need to do that then I suggest you give it a miss.

I agree don't ask for an apology. Are you going with a plus one? I would just keep away from the ex friends and try to ignore them.

I agree with @FancyNewt . If there's tension, it's for them to bear and live with. As the magnificent Gisele Pelicot has said: ‘it’s not for us to have shame – it’s for them’. Perhaps quote that at the spineless bastards if they try and talk to you. Sorry for what happened and how they reacted to it- you were so strong to cut them out and not let them pressure you into acting as if it'd never happened.

Apologies didn't mean to quote OP.

The best revenge is a life well lived, I'd go and try to enjoy it whilst maintaining a frosty distance. I wouldn't ask for one but they should have apologised. 💐

They know they are friends with a sex offender and they have treated the survivor horribly. They don't deserve to apologise. They deserve to feel like pieces of shit forever. Attend, hold your head high, have a nice time and try not to think about the little arseholes.

I believe it was MLK who said "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends"

He seriously sexually assaulted someone, admitted it, and his mates 'forgave him'. Even though the victim was also a close friend?!
That's fucked up. They obviously have twisted morals and if I were you I'd not bother seeking anything. Just forget they exist. I hope their girlfriends know they sided with a sex abuser?

I was sexually assaulted at work many years ago and management knew and did nothing . I was told that I would not be believed and that I would be the one sacked for telling malicious lies. I did nothing as I desperately needed the job to pay my mortgage ( 15% interest rates ) My feelings are not Shame but anger . I know now that if I wanted to I could report what happened to me and I would be believed and I've let friends of the guy who assaulted me know that . I feel have taken back my power and I hope it causes him some sleepless nights knowing he could be arrested anytime for what he did .