Elderly friend not coping - WWYD?

[tootiredtoocare]

Long post, sorry. We have a much loved family friend of my parents for over 50 years, let's call her S. I was never really close with their daughter (A), but consider her a friend. S and her husband J were always extremely kind and generous with their time and attention. I knew I could ask them for anything in terms of practical help and they would be there if needed, equally, I would drop anything to help them. They never had a lot of spare cash, so their furniture was always old and a bit shabby, and S was never the best housekeeper, which we used to joke about because I'm not either, and my home often needs a tidy up and a hoover, but theirs was often very untidy, and sometimes a bit grubby. J died a few years ago and is much missed. S is now 80, but is quite active and healthy for her age. My mother hasn't visited S at home for a number of years due to her own limited mobility, but they meet up at least once a week, my father goes and picks S up and drops her off at home again, but he doesn't go inside. I haven't visited since J died - I work and now have a disabled child (not the one she looked after). I know S feels very lonely since J died, but I never really worried as she has my mother, who would immediately tell me if I was needed, and A, and so many friends. She's popular and loved by many. I had to visit yesterday to drop off some things. I was horrified and devastated. Her home is filthy. Not just untidy, I wouldn't care about that, not even just grubby. I'd call it squalor. The place stinks. Her carpets are literally sticky. I'm not sure what colour her sofa is, and I didn't want to sit on it, even if there had been space. I actually didn't have time to stay long and I'd already told her that on the phone, and I'm glad because it's such a bad environment. I am FURIOUS with A (also not the best housekeeper) for letting it get this bad. I don't know whether her other friends have visited. You would never know she lives like this - she is always clean and tidy, hair done nicely, clean clothes, smells clean. I'm worried about both her mental and physical health. I don't think she has dementia, she is as switched on as she always was, doesn't seem forgetful or confused, and as I said her personal hygiene is fine - remarkable, actually, considering her environment. I was struck by neatly folded clean laundry on the sofa. So, question - would you get involved to clean it up? I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, I would need to get others involved, but I don't want her to feel ashamed if her other close friends haven't been visiting either and are equally unaware. I can afford to pay a cleaner to visit once a week in the future, and would happily do so, but it needs significant cleaning first. WWYD?

I think you've pretty much answered your own question to be honest

"I can afford to pay a cleaner to visit once a week in the future, and would happily do so, but it needs significant cleaning first. WWYD?"

So, a one off crisis clean followed by a weekly clean and that ought to do it.

Raise your concerns with A (the daughter) as she's maybe already trying to sort something.

If that doesn't get you anywhere submit a referral online to Social Servies.

Instead of being furious with her daughter why don't you contact her and say you visited and noticed the house was in a bit of state, is there anything you can do to help, maybe her mum has refused help.

Hi op. You obviously need to talk to S before announcing that cleaners are turning up! And that will be a difficult conversation. People can get very sensitive if their pride is hurt.

I certainly would not be blaming it on A before you have had this discussion, as it could be that S is very touchy about the subject of her home.

Some people, when it’s their own mess, don’t see it in the same light as someone who is objective would look at it.

You say S is still mentally fit, but how is her eyesight? I ask because an elderly relative of mine let her home lapse into a very grubby state because she literally couldn't see how dirty it was or to clean effectively. (She also couldn't read use-by dates - every visit involved chucking health hazards out the fridge - how she didn't end up with food poisoning is a miracle and we couldn't risk eating there.) My parents got her to agree to cleaners eventually but there were several difficult conversations over a couple of years, not just months, when she insisted she was coping just fine despite the fact we could see things deteriorating. It was only when a temporary physical illness made cleaning difficult that she agreed to have help and luckily once that was in place she was happy to continue as she liked the cleaner and enjoyed her visits. It's just possible that A has already been having these conversations with her mother and getting a similar response.

I'm angry with A because I know she spends quite a bit of time there, even sleeps over occasionally. She doesn't have children herself. If your elderly mum was struggling with housework you'd help. Wouldn't you? Even if it was just one little thing at a time. I think, though, that you're right, anger doesn't solve anything and a chat with A is probably the way to go.

Think I'll try to have a constructive conversation with A. I won't go to social services, though, S would be devastated if I did that.

I think that you shouldn't make any assumptions about the realtionship between mother and daughter. Perhaps A should be doing more but you don't know whether there is anything else going on

@TheGirlOnTheLanding Her weekly evening with my mother is to play bingo, so her eyesight's decent. I think it's just been a gradual decline from a chaotic and untidy home to dirty.

@Hoppinggreen their relationship is good, afaik. A doesn't have children and they spend quite a bit of time together since J died, to the point that A sleeps over occasionally. I think maybe A doesn't actually realise how bad it is either.

afauk, you may be right but please do consider the fact that you aren't.
Even siblings can be unaware of issues between parent and child so there may be a lot you don't know

I agree. I know of a woman who lived like that. She never married and had a career, but her house!!! She also had a lot of cats, say no more. However, she was always immaculately turned out and was as sharp as a tack, and would not have appreciated any offters of help from her family, and would have been furious had anyone stepped in and taken things into their own hands.