Dad using Mum's holiday home with another woman

[MM1874]

Mum passed away 2016. In her later years her and my Dad had been lucky enough to afford a small holiday home that she and had furnished and decorated to her taste. She loved going up there. Dad got together with another woman 8 months after her passing and is going up to this house with new woman and letting her wider family use it with all the same furniture etc..thoughts?

It is not just the emotional dimension. We live in a material world. My mum long before she died arranged for everything to be in my name and my DB name, bypassing dad exactly for the this reason. She was blunt, she said - I don't want any chancer to share (never mind inherit) even a napkin, even a cup I paid for. She was only thinking of us. Never once did she say 'I want him to be happy when I die'. She said 'I want you and your DB to be happy when I die'. She did it after the so-called 'mirror will' of her sister - her sister was killed unexpectedly in an accident, no will, all went to the husband and he 'moved on', as seems to be the norm these days for men. Not only did he move her in, he, for some idiotic reason, felt the need to marry her and do a mirror will. He died and everything went to this 50+year old chancer woman. Worst of all, the 'moving on' husband was piss-poor when he married my aunt, he worked, I grant you that, but the house, etc. was the aunt's. So what was the need to marry this 50-year woman - what, they were going to have kids? No, the woman knew what she was doing - like every mum - her first thoughts' of that woman, I mean, were of her children - who will inherit my aunt's house. So the woman pushed for marriage and the old fool obliged.

I think your feelings are valid - it must be terribly difficult to see another woman in a home that was so special to your mother.

However, I don’t think your dad is doing anything wrong and I think you need to bite your tounge and be happy for him . Yes, 8 months may seem like such a short time but your Dad must have been terribly lonely after losing your Mum. It’s easy to see from the outside that it seems as though it’s erasing your mother but for him he lost his partner, his wife, his whole life probably revolved around her in terms of her being the person he was with all the time and I can’t imagine the pain of losing that, it probably was very quick but he was likely still grieving and trying to fill the loneliness … but now he’s been with her for 8 years , that’s a long time, so he must be happy.

I think maybe deep down you feel as though this is a betrayal to your mother … but it isn’t . His new partner isn’t the other woman, they didn’t betray your mother , if she was still here your parents would likely still be happily living their life together but she isn’t and your dad deserves happiness and companiship.

Mum has been dead for 8 years, and despite calling it Mum's house in the title, she admits in the actual post that it was ' their ' holiday home i.e. Mum and Dads.

Apparently the Op wasn't left it in Mum's will, I guess everything went to Dad including the furniture in their holiday home.

I guess the only way around it is for the Op to offer to purchase all of the furniture that means so much to her in her parent's holiday home and then Dad and his new partner can go and choose their choice of furniture.

8 years is quite a while tho, so it would need to be discussed whether the Op pays a 2nd hand price for the furniture or an up to date price - as it's possible that Dad won't be able to refurnish the whole property otherwise.

Grief never goes but it’s possible to live with it alongside new joys. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss her. Would your Mum have wished him to continue to enjoy the home and to live feeling happy and loved? If so you have your answer.

In the Victorian times there were actual books and rules laying out bereavement periods. That time has passed. As a result, people have differing ideas about the length of time it should last before life fully moves on.

Judging others in this issue is a waste of time, as we all see things differently. In any case, their behaviour tells you nothing about their feelings about the loss of the bereaved person.