Does anyone here have any experience with domestic abuse ?

[Pinkflowersxo]

Yesterday I made a police report on my children’s father on the physical abuse I endured in front of my 2&3 year old which happened over the course of 9 years. My ex also uploaded a video of us having sex without my consent onto fabswingers.com. It didn’t have my face but it was all close up and honestly it was horrific.

please feel free to look at my last post to see the dynamics of the abuse.

i left my ex 5 months ago, it took me all this time of no contact to finally build the strength to leave. I then realised I needed to report him and what he did was actually abuse and not just him making “mistakes”.

today he called me telling me he loves me and he’s sorry for all he’s done to me (they haven’t arrested him yet). I know it’s stupid but I feel so much guilt.

I feel guilty that he has also treated me good at times. But there was just so much abuse. And I am trying to hold on to the fact it wasn’t just an isolated event of abuse but a pattern from being pregnant 9 years before up to now.

without making this too much to read my exs mother knew everything her son did to me. Punching me and beating me infront of our toddler and baby , whilst holding them etc. she also knows about the fact he uploaded the video of me without my consent. She also knows he is violent because he smashed up her house every time she would tell him his behaviour is wrong. She would always help me with childcare and money. She knew I did t tell my family about the abuse and used to say she would understand if I went to the police but is so grateful to me that I didn’t. She always told me to leave him but never once did she tell me to report him. I am starting to realise if it were me I would have reported my son especially seeing that he is repeating this behaviour over and over. She just told me to leave but at the same time would still give him money, offer to pay his friend to take a “drug charge” when they both got arrested for drug dealing, she also borrowed him money to go abroad knowing he would be drug dealing there too. She even went over there to visit him but tells me she doesn’t support what he’s doing. She told me that if she had the girls and he turns up she would let him see our kids she wouldn’t turn him away. After noticing her behaviour since leaving him I feel like I cannot let my children stay with her. I feel so guilty for reporting him and I feel like she will have so much to say. I have already made the report but I feel so much guilt inside , I feel she was only helping me as much as she was because she knew I wasn’t really holding her son completely accountable and I think she is kind of enabling his behaviour.

I just feel sick with guilt and shame. Almost as if I am letting her down after all her help. But she knows everything he’s done to me and infront of our children I honestly don’t know how she wants to spend time with him. He’s verbally abusive to her they are not close they go months not talking to each other he calls her disgusting names and uses her for money.

I guess I’m just venting. If anyone has been through anything like this and knows of any organisations I can get in contact with about my mental space at the moment I would be really grateful 🤍

You did the right thing leaving. I don't want to discourage people reporting abuse but my experience was it just brought more stress unfortunately.

I left my ex in the end because he hurt our dd having escalated from just hurting me. I recently heard his child with his current partner got a broken femur in his care. I don't know the circumstances of how that happened but I think I can guess.

We shouldn't feel guilty but we do. Because we are so beaten down to put everyone else before ourselves. But if you put your children before your ex it makes it easier. Even if the kids were never physically hurt by ex they are learning how to be treated as women and how to treat women if they are men. So dad my not beat them up but future partners might.

I found the freedom program and reading and speaking with others who have suffered DV kept the guilt at bay. Plus he's gone on to sort his live while I'm handicapped by caring for the kids. The men don't really suffer like their women victims do. No need for guilt

You can contact the Revenge Porn helpline
https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

Report the video to fabswingers and they'll hopefully take it down. Revenge porn is a criminal offence.

Are you having any counselling? Domestic abuse organisations sometimes provide counselling, you can contact your local organisation for help and support. Anxiety UK also has affordable counselling if you don't have much money.

As far as your MIL is concerned, don't see her if you're angry. Perhaps you can pick up the relationship later on down the line.

What you have been through is frankly horrific and l would have reported him at the first hit, and again and again.
I had a partner turn violent completely out of the blue a long time ago, the first time he hit me I broke it off.
Then he broke into my flat and kept me trapped all night subjecting me to violence and verbal abuse. Eventually l tricked him and got out, l rang the police, made a statement and insisted they go and speak to him straight away...They were more concerned about me but l was not badly hurt.
I was so so livid, l have never felt anger like it.
I called his mother, father and sister individually and told them bluntly what he had done (they were nice people)
I called every friend we had and told all of them.
He only got a warning as although l found out he had done it before no one else had reported him...hence the problem.

Women HAVE to report and kick up a fuss, l know many will say keep your head down it is safer but in the long run it allows these violent thugs to carry on abusing more innocent women and children.

My ex partner then stalked me for 6 months, l managed to turn the tables on him as l was not prepared to live in fear for ever. l did move home but he kept turning up at my workplace.
I found his soft spot, he was a medical professional so l threatened to report him to the medical board, he kept ignoring this and kept harrassing me so eventually l called the number in front of him and started to explain, he left and l never saw him again.

In the end you have no life until you find a way to stand up for yourself.

You did the right thing. Well done . I was once where you are (and where you were). I only reported him a couple of times, when it was so bad I actually thought he was going to kill me. His mother knew but afterwards lied her socks off. It was difficult afterwards at stages, but it was such a relief not having to walk on eggshells the whole time. Sending hugs 🫂. Your DC will benefit enormously from not having a violent father in the house.