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Ethical dilemmas

Toxic Guilt for what I have compared to others

1 reply

Wellington55 · 01/05/2024 10:06

I’m not sure how to word this without sounding like a heartless bitch but I’m really bringing myself down about it and need advise from people who don’t know the situation.

My DD is essentially terminally ill with an illness brought on by smoking and never trying to give it up. It’s made me anxious and worried for the last 16 years of my life - always worrying something is going to happen to him, especially when I don’t live near anymore. Because of this, he isn’t able to work as much and both parents are self employed so it affects their income. My DS isn’t helping as she went through a period of drug addiction and it destroyed our family mentally. That is hopefully all over but it still affects us and we worry that she could fall back into it.
We are a close family and I have a great relationship with them - I know they would do anything for me and I would them. I see them as often as I can and we have a nice time together. I am especially close to my DM and she knows I am anxious about things but she always says she is fine. She also knows I would give her any money if they needed it but I try not to mention it too much in case I offend.

However, I feel like my family are in a crappy situation with financies and health and I’m in my own little bubble away from them with a great husband, great life and admittedly, my only problem at the moment is where do I go on holiday. But I am not happy - I feel guilty as anything and It’s made me a recluse in regards to never sharing my happiness and successes. I don’t use social media and don’t ever openly offer information on what I’m getting up to or anything personal as I don’t want to make anyone feel bad if, maybe they couldn’t do it.

i know this is no way to live but i am - I am racked with guilt with how good my life is when my family aren’t having the best of times. I feel like they don’t tell me stuff because they don’t want to put me down but it makes me feel worse. It’s got to the point that I almost resent them because their life choices have caused me to hide my successes and happiness because I don’t want them to feel jealous or sad. I have thoughts of cutting them completely because I hate this feeling and it would stop if they weren’t there but that makes me feel like the worst person ever for even thinking that. They love me and I love them - I’m just so over feeling guilty and ashamed for what I have.

I don’t know how to get out of this vicious circle of wanting to say F*ck it, I want to live my life to feeling like I want to hide and play down all the good things I have.

Im just feeling incredibly down at the moment so any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 27/05/2024 13:36

I can only reply from my side of things, which differs to your experience, as I'm the one that's nigh on at the bottom of the socioeconomic scale.
And, I'm not saying my experience is what is happening in your life; I'm just trying to relate.
So, I'm on disability benefits and made a lot of poor choices in life - including alcoholism and addiction before I got clean/sober.
My sis is the one who had done really well for herself - through hard work, grit and ambition.
Wr love each, but have nothing in common. I don't share with her the stuff I struggle with - physical and mental health struggles, Nwurodivergence, the lived reality of being on disability benefits with twins with additional needs (one of who had challenging behaviour) because she does does not understand and I do not want her sympathy.
She had also always thought I'm jealous of her for her successful (in Western societal terms) life. I've never been jealous, as never had what it takes to achieve the life she sought and attained. Always been proud of her.
So, I don't talk to her about my life, struggles and finances as I believe she looks down on me as a waster and she believes I've wasted my intellect/potential and she feels guilty talking about her life and all she has attained, as it reminds her of our childhood.
Sorry, a lot of that is tangential. I'm AuDHD and, unintentionally, try to relate/empathise on ways that leaves people confused!

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