Abortion and infertility

[Siobhan24]

I had an abortion 10 years ago when I had an unplanned pregnancy. I always regretted it because I wanted the child but at the time I felt I couldn't afford one and panicked.

In the years since then I got a good job, bought a house, have a partner and am in the perfect position to have a child now. We've tried to get pregnant but I've had 2 miscarriages in the last year, presumably due to my age and egg quality issues.

I have such a deep pain inside at the fact that I chose abortion all of those years ago. I feel like, in hindsight that I could have made it work and that I would have been a good mother. I often see 10 year old children and think about what my child would have been like. I have frequent panic attacks and often feel suicidal.

Does anyone else feel like this? How did you cope with the guilt and feeling like you want to die all the time? Why does nobody really talk about the emotional toll of abortion?

[Pootles34]

This sounds so rough - I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

It sounds like maybe you would benefit from talking to a therapist about this - is that something you would look into?

Hindsight is a funny thing - you don't know that you would have made it work, you had good reasons for your decision at the time.

I think no one really talks about abortion because of a fear of other people's judgement. I personally have never regretted mine, it was the right choice for me at the time, but we're all different.

[Siobhan24]

thanks @Pootles34 I've been doing therapy for nearly 2 years now, and have tried 3 different therapist and 3 different antidepressants. I'm not getting any better.

The mainstream narrative about abortion seems so politicised and polarised. There's no nuance..you have to pick one side or the other. I think that a lot of people don't make informed decisions based on this.

[pickledandpuzzled]

This Is the situation you are in, and the way you feel. It’s sad, and it’s ok to be sad.

However you don’t know what life would have been like if you’d made a different decision. You could be broke, ill and miserable with a challenging child, no work and no friends.

You just don’t know what the alternative is. It almost certainly isn’t the rosy picture you are using to beat yourself up with.

I think you are choosing to punish yourself for your fertility problems and using your abortion to do it. If you hadn’t had an abortion, you’d be using the night you drank too much, the extreme diet you were on, all the sport you used to do…

💐

[Siobhan24]

@pickledandpuzzled you may be right but I didn't date anyone for 5 years after the abortion, I think it was because I was scared I might get pregnant again before I was 'ready' (job/house/etc) not realising that was the last of my fertile years.. I suppose the regret is also there because I was so close to having what I so desperately want, and my head ruled over my heart. The finality of that decision is so painful.

[Rosesanddaisies1]

Kindly, there is no evidenced linked between abortion and fertility issues later on. It's normal to look for reasons why miscarriage happens, but the majority are chromosomal issues with the embryo which can happen to anyone. So many women have miscarriages who have never had abortions. You made the right decision at the time, I think you need to consider the realities of what it would have been like to have a child then, not just the potential positives. Assuming you've been trying for a year, it's really not that long, and you have got pregnant which is encouraging. Some NHS trusts will investigate after 2 MCs so I'd speak to your GP about the options. My GP offered a chat after my 2nd MC, even though he couldn't refer me yet, but it did help.

[Siobhan24]

Im not saying that the abortion caused infertility, I'm saying that the trauma from the abortion stopped me from dating for a long time.

Unfortunately I've had a fertility assessment and the prognosis is not good between my age, AMH, follicle count etc. I have friends who have kids who struggle, but they are absolutely besotted by their kids and wouldn't change it for the world. I would give up my fancy house/job in a second if I could have one child.

[Dontblameitonsunshine]

I’m so sorry, hopefully things will get easier for you xxx

[Perfect28]

Everyone has decisions they made that they regret. As pp said you always try to make the best choices you can in the moment. Plenty of people also regret having children so it works both ways. If the therapy isn't working, try a different type?