How do i handle this without being an arsehole?

[Sazzahera]

My sister is pregnant in her second trimester and were planning on going abroad to visit family during the summer once baby is here. The idea seems lovely because this is a trip me, her and all our siblings have taken every year since we were born, but something happened thats left an EXTREMELY sour taste in my mouth.
My mother broke down recently while drunk and told me about some abusive events that happened between her and her older brother when she was little, said brother has some serious health complications now due to a lifetime of smoking and drinking excessively and so he lives with my grandmother, at the house we usually stay at for holidays. Now this isnt normal sibling fighting i was told about, its THAT type of abuse everyone is terrified of happening to the kids in their life.
i tried to tell my mum to tell my sister because shes going to have an infant with her when we next visit but shes adament she doesnt want to tell anyone and im the only person whos ever known, just because she was drunk.

Im like incredibly stressed out about this because im so scared of something happening to this baby but i dont want to betray my mums trust and i really would appreciate some advice. I really wish she would talk to someone else about this because honestly im only 19 and i dont know how youre supposed to deal with this type of situation.

You've got to tell your sister. Tell your mum you're going to tell your sister to protect her baby, then go ahead and do it. And encourage your mum to go to the police.

All of this. Except I's say support her to see the police if she can.

I know from the inside it seems complex. But it's simple. A child is at risk and a simple chat is all you need to protect it.

As the baby is going to be a newborn this holiday, the mum will almost certainly be keeping a very close eye on it. But in subsequent years, yes, I agree the mum should be told about creepy Uncle Ernie.

@Sazzahera
Well done for having the courage to speak out on here. Are you ok? That must've been an incredibly hard thing to hear, and now to keep to yourself

safeline.org.uk/support-for-family-friends/
This group offer support
Plus don't hesitate to contact the Samaritans

Firstly, can you make some notes of what your mum told you - somewhere inaccessible, maybe your phone? Just in case it's ever needed

I'm somewhat older than 19 but I don't know what you do in this situation either! But someone wiser will come along soon with appropriate advice - I didn't want to read and run

Sadly I've been in this situation. I'd respect your mother and not saying anything but keep a close eye on things. I'd also assume uncle won't do anything anyway, and hopefully will die soon.

Yes this is what I'd do in a few years

I'm sorry but no on almost all counts.

First 'creepy' is minimising. Sexually abusive predator Uncle is closer. Sex offenders tend to get worse not better. They tend to be prolific and they don't stop because they are being 'watched. Grooming in plain sight is common and unless you're an expert, you won't see it and neither will the parents.

Second, don't wait. Once the initial shock has worn off you will become less and less inclined to say anything. You'll wait, you'll minimise, you'll pretend you can prevent, you'll make excuses.

There is a shark in the water with a baby. Say something.

You have to tell your mother that your sister needs to know she can’t bring her baby into that house. This isn’t a matter of keeping an eye on things. This is a full stop, the trip is cancelled situation.

You should tell her as while she would be unlikely to leave a small baby with her uncle, if baby sleeps well then she might wander outside etc knowing baby won’t be awake for an hour, and there will be a helpless baby alone in a room in the house where uncle lives.

Thank you everyone! Some more info on this would be that my sister hates this uncle anyways due to him generally being an extremely unlikeable man so its highly unlikely that the baby would ever be left alone with him. Still, im considering getting my sister and her boyfriend a hotel to stay at during the holiday under the guise of 'youll have some alone time' or whatever. Hopefully that way i can let my mother tell her in her own time but also minimise the risk of baby being in contact with our uncle? Hoping hes gone soon anyways, no sympathy for people like that

Changed my mind. I dont feel comfortable letting her think theres nothing wrong, im going to tell my mum to tell her in the morning and if she wont ill have to

Very pleased with that update. There is no way to protect a baby otherwise.

Things like what happens when they are put down for a nap? How do you make sure someone is in the room with them at all times?

Please don't change your mind.

Your sister won't thank you in years if she found out you knew and let him have access to your baby

You've made the right decision OP, don't doubt yourself. Abuse thrives on secrecy and keeping those secrets only ever benefits the abusers. Your DM should be proud she raised a brave daughter who is prepared to speak out and stop the cycle of abuse

I think you need to tell your sister. Yes it's something your mum wants to be private but sometimes it's not possible to do that. And this is one of those times. To keep it from your sister could potentially put her child at risk. You can ask your sister not to repeat it although obviously that's not guaranteed.

Has your uncle only just moved in?
bit shocked that you and your siblings have been going there as children for the last 19 years at least and exposed to this guy. Do the rest of your siblings know?

Absolutely this! The only information we have from the mother is he is sexually abusive. The advice to say nothing implies the baby isn’t at risk or won’t be for many years…..the posters saying this have no idea if this is true and as you’ve said, grooming and predators do it not just behind closed doors but in plain sight. At risk is very much that, at risk therefore needs to be shared.
I hear disclosures like this a lot in my work, where I’m then asked not to share. Where it has been assessed there is no known/potential risk to others, if a person does not wish to be escalated/shared it won’t. If there is, it trumps the request to not share and whilst difficult for the person disclosing, they will be supported. Our priority is to safeguard others and would take the same stance here

Yes. Secrets and lies are what this thrives in.

OP I'm very glad you're telling your sister. Your mum will probably forgive the disclosure but your sister might never forgive putting her child in harm;s way.

I would encourage your mother to tell sister it will be damaging to their relationship if your sister thought your mother was willing to allow baby to be in harms way.

Crossed post @MrsTerryPratchett

Yes you're right. Best to speak up but let your mum know so she's not blindsighted

Explain to your mum that you love her and want to support her and offer to help her find a charity that can offer support, but also tell her that for the babies safety your sister will have to know. Ask your mum if she would rather have that conversation or if she’d like you to. You can tell your mum that you can ask your sister not to mention it to your mum if she’s not ready for that conversation.

The child's safety has to come first. If you have to tell your sister yourself then you'll just have to do that. Don't kid yourself that you can protect the child without your sister knowing.

The timing of your mum telling you now may well be because your sister is pregnant and deep down your mum knows that this secret needs to come out to protect this child and any future children.

If I was your sister and you didn't tell me this year but told me in a year or two and I learnt you knew I would be furious with you and your mother. Your uncle sexually abused his sister as a child, as a parent I wouldn't be staying in that home at all with my child and would want the option to make that decision. I understand you don't want to hurt your mum but she has told you now and the primary responsibility is safeguarding your new niece or nephew.

Hi there, OP. We have a webguide here that may have some useful links on it with regards to abuse within families.

All the best with things.