Toxic family members with cancer - why so much guilt?

[macdui]

I have a truly awful toxic family. DM and DB toxic beyond belief with DM enabling the behaviour of DB and me left as the family emotional punchbag. DB has always been the golden one. Can do no wrong, can treat DM like rubbish. I'm left exhausted after contact with them but stupidly keep trying. I know neither will ever change - counselling 10 years back taught me that.

Both absolutely hate my DH and want me to leave him to move closer to them. I'm about 4 hours away and won't be moving. This has been ongoing for a long time. DH and myself have been together nearly 30 years and he's more than aware my family would like to split us up. As a result we try very hard to make sure that doesn't happen.

Now both of them are facing cancer. DM seems quite pleased as she has wanted to die for 25+ years.

They are using illness to get what they want. Trying to guilt me into moving near them to run around after them and ultimately look after them when they get sick. I realise I'm being selfish but I can't do it, I reckon I would last less than a day of being verbally abused and shouted at and that's based on when they are well. I've been told I'm useless, selfish, worthless and a lot worse far too often. DM becomes 1000 times worse when sick. DB is morose but very shouty. I'm scared of him. I don't think he'd be physically abusive but he's put fists through multiple walls so don't wish to find out!

So why why why do I feel so damn guilty? I get nothing but nastiness from my family. I'm under no illusion they will ever change. I've learned over the years that trying to fix things or bail them out is pointless. Now I don't try to intervene or fix stuff, I listen and let them vent and rant which can be incredibly mentally taxing. I've only ever tried to be a decent human being. I don't play evil games with people like they do. If they were friends I'd have broken off all contact long ago yet I keep returning for more.

You owe them nothing. Block them on every available method of contact and ignore. They have made their bed by continued abuse of your love. You deserve better. Just because they are blood does not mean they are decent human beings who are worthy of your respect. Ignore, ignore, ignore. You're caught up in FOG, fear obligation guilt, but honestly you can just walk away. No one here will judge you for doing so they've obviously made your life a misery, why wait for them to die to be free.

You are not being selfish. Stay strong. You feel guilty because they make you feel guilty and thrive off that. Do not move closer. The distance will be a saviour to you.

There's an old saying that you can 'choose your friends but not your family'' I'd take heed of that. They are emotionally blackmailing you-don't let them. Just because they are family they have no right to ask of your help if they've undermined you in such an awful way. Put your boundaries in place (I'm sorry I am working XXX days etc...) and stick to them. Ask your DH for support.

Of course you aren't selfish. Block them both. Karma has come a calling hasn't it for them?
I and nc with dm and df. They can both die with me still nc imo.

We have a media driven idealised view of family; loving, mutually supportive, endlessly patient, yada, yada, yada.

The reality is often far more complex - a quick read of the Stately Homes thread is proof positive of that.

You know they won't change so why are you still engaging with them? Leave them to their own devices; the State will step in as as when needed. Crudely put you will be at peace when they're gone so work on the assumption that that day has been and gone already.

You feel guilty because you are a caring, compassionate person. But in this situation your kindness is detrimental to your own self, and to your DH.
I'd suggest you tell them you will not under any circumstances be moving closer to them. Be crystal clear, do not offer a reason, or justify your decision. Remember, "no" is a complete sentence!
Then cut all contact. If you can't do that at least go very low contact.
But definitely get yourself back into counselling, you will need the support.

Thank you so so much everyone 💗

Lots to think about.

You feel guilty because they have trained you your whole life to feel guilty and put them first.

Have a Google of FOG fear obligation guilt and see if it rings any bells with you.

Feel the guilt and do nothing anyway! They've treated you like shit for decades, so you owe them nothing. TBH OP I'd go no contact at this point. Why would you run around after them when they've treated you so badly? I'd make sure that anyone who is likely to call you and hassle you about them (GP, SS, etc) knows that you are not responsible for either of them and do not accept next of kin duties. You can't be made to. Don't move. Don't run yourself ragged. Step away. And if the guilt is unbearable, get some more counselling to help you to deal with your feelings. Sounds like this really is a case of karma is a bitch

You would be literally crazy to move near them or look after them.
You do not have to lose contact. Let them vent by phone, put the phone on the table and watch TV and say hmm yes, oh, I see occasionally.

The FOG comment really struck home. The putting the phone on the table too. I don't actually do that but I often listen and just respond with uh huh, that's terrible or something to indicate I'm listening when actually I'm trying to zone out and not let the words upset me.

A bit of an update. I've spent the last few months keeping a low profile and keeping contact with family minimal, phoning every 2-3 weeks rather than every week. After that contact though I'm drained knackered for days which is rubbish.

DB's health scares seems to be over for the moment so at least that's something positive. Perhaps he can help DM a bit.... however, I'm not holding my breath, he lives 20 mins away from DM but I'm the one that's expected to do everything! According to DM, DB is too sick or too busy to be asked to help.

DM hell knows tbh. It's been on a roller coaster of diagnoses, cancer x 1 or x 2 first, then no cancer now we're back to cancer again but going round in circles along with numerous other health issues. I'm actually no longer sure if I'm being told the truth about any of it.

My last visit to see them left me utterly knackered (was for a child's birthday so kinda had to go). Afterwards, I was grumpy at work such that my manager noticed immediately. I just felt worn out by the experience. Nothing particularly bad happened but I spent the days leading up to the visit with a sense of dread and totally on edge. I spent the whole weekend worrying that something would kick of. Then I go home utterly wrecked, not ideal at all.

After that experience I'm now pretty determined I won't be moving near them no matter how rubbish things might get.