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Ethical dilemmas

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Original poster

Have you ever had a catastrophic falling out with dear friend and recovered?

16 replies

Sunandfields · 11/12/2023 09:15

I wasn’t sure where best to post this.

just as the title says really. I’ve had a devastating argument with a dear friend and I see no way back. It was an argument about principles and revealed a significant difference in our values.

I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve properly fallen out with over the years so this is a big deal to me. Has anyone been through this and out the other side?

Thsnks xx

OP posts:

TheOccupier · 11/12/2023 09:18

Yes, but it wasn't about politics/values. Can you and your friend not agree to disagree?

Discospacecherry · 11/12/2023 09:22

I've had a big argument as teens (but still this wasn't common) and recovered. But I think it depends what it was about an who did what. If it's something y did which is in forgiveable that's one thing. But can agree to disagree?

EmmaEmerald · 11/12/2023 09:29

I agree, it depends what it was
I edged away from a good friend after she was angry about Sunak being PM because he's not white.

I didn't realise being not white made me "not a real English" person in her eyes. Looking back, there were warning signs, but she is the person who saved me from offing myself in lockdown. So it was very hard to walk away.

Her best friend is a woman whose parents are Indian, and that lady isn't bothered at all, just said "she is entitled to her view".

I didn't have a massive row, just established the facts of what she thought, then quietly let things drop.

But that is one opinion or principle that's just too fundamental for me to let go of. I know I have opinions that others would hate though.

Aworldofmyown · 11/12/2023 09:32

I did, and we were then, not friends for 15 years!
We have slowly become pretty good friends again but it will never be the same.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/12/2023 09:35

Yes, with a 20 year gap, older and wiser and realised we have more in common than not.

Why did you fall out, can't you just agree to disagree? I'm friends with people who every different views to me.

bethepeace · 11/12/2023 09:37

Oh I can so imagine how this hurts. Of course it's a big deal, it feels awful when these ruptures happen and it's no easier than it it were a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship.

I have had a couple of friendships where we've hurt each other and then reconciled and actually the process can be healing and taught me a lot about myself.

But neither of those arguments were about principles. Are you sure you want to reconcile if it's a deep difference of principle? Perhaps the very slow work of letting go and moving gently forward might be more useful for you. Wishing you well either way xxx

Original poster

Sunandfields · 11/12/2023 15:57

Thank you for your comments and shared experiences.

It definitely hurts.

normally I agree to disagree. I like peace, I don’t like falling out with people. But this was about something very dear to me and involved my children. The friend has very strong opinions and isn’t shy of sharing them, and also lacks self-awareness at times. The difference this time is my gut was also telling me how unhappy I was (if that makes sense!) and I couldn’t not say anything and couldn’t let it go.

the friend didn’t like being challenged and I saw a side that wasn’t so nice. Hence I’m not sure you can go back after that?

I’m in my 30s and shouldn’t be falling out with people like this! I’m shocked by it all. I think letting go and moving forward is the only way but it really hurts x

thanks for the well wishes x

OP posts:

wherethewildtbingsgo · 11/12/2023 16:05

OP I can totally relate to this.

I had a big fall out with a friend recently. It was deeply uncomfortable to live with and caused me an awful lot of distress. In particular it was distressing because we have very different views and approaches to conflict.

I raised something with her because she has a pattern of behaviour that I find really
Challenging to deal with. On this occasion I didn't feel I could bite my tongue like I normally do. I felt what I said to be fair in the sense that it was honest. But she saw it as an attack on her personality and she has been the one to say there is no going back for our friendship. We had been extremely close. We are now on speaking terms but we haven't seen each other since the incident. She recently got engaged and I was thrilled for her- I sent her a string of emotional messages and a card. In return when I told her about my pregnancy, she has responded with a congratulatory text on a group chat but nothing else. It's clear she has no desire to mend it. And I can't mend something on my own.

It has exposed fundamental differences in how we approach life. She is very black and white. If you don't meet her standards or act in a way she perceives to be unacceptable she has no problem cutting you out (she's done this with others too). For me I'm more diplomatic and generally prefer to agree to diasagree or mend things where I can. I don't cut people out.

In the end, I can't have a relationship with her on my own so I suppose the friendship we once had is over. It's painful but I'm coming to terms with it. Ultimately I want relationships I can feel safe in- where I feel I can express how I feel sometimes without fear of being rejected.

EmmaEmerald · 11/12/2023 16:21

OP "the friend didn’t like being challenged and I saw a side that wasn’t so nice. Hence I’m not sure you can go back after that? "

do you mean not nice or really bad?

if she apologised to you, could you see a way forward? Or would you be open to a general chat about what happened?

Nochoiceleft · 11/12/2023 16:32

I had a falling out with a friend. We sorted it out after a while and became friends again but I realised I really didn’t like the person she had shown herself to be and the friendship didn’t last.

Original poster

Sunandfields · 11/12/2023 18:33

Thank you Nochoiceleft, I think that’s where I’m at.

I guess it’s just time and space to let it go and move on.

thank you all ❤️

OP posts:

Dontgivemeplants · 15/12/2023 00:18

I've had 2 big Fallings out with 2 different friends. The first one didn't recover. After our fight I analysed our friendship and realised that although she made me laugh a lot, I didn't like her controlling nature nor how she put me down.
The second one seems to be in recovery. We had a huge fight. We meet every few months to socialise together. We're both trying very hard to rekindle or maintain the friendship. I think we'll succeed. But it's not the same.

HoHoHoliday · 15/12/2023 00:36

I fell out with a friend in my 30s. We were a group of four who had all been really close friends for around 15 years and always socialised as a group.
It wasn't a big shouty argument, more slow and quiet. She did something that hurt me, knowing it would hurt me, but thought that because we were friends I would accept it and automatically forgive. But like you it showed a big difference in our values, and almost in an instant I saw her as a completely different person and just couldn't imagine enjoying her company or having any fun together again.
Unfortunately my friendship with the other two also suffered as a result as they really pressured me to forgive and forget for the sake of our friendship group and social life, but I couldn't/didn't want to.
So I don't have any useful advice on how to repair the friendship. In my case, losing a friendship knocked my confidence for a lot longer that I expected and I did keep coming back to it in my mind for several years afterwards. It felt comparable to a relationship break-up. It was sad, there was a grieving process, but it wasn't necessary or healthy to return to it.
You will come out the other side. Lean into other friendships to keep yourself stable.

BlockadeRunner · 15/12/2023 02:10

Twice, one has fully recovered, that was a personal argument.
The other has never been the same, that was a values argument.

allitdoesisrain · 15/12/2023 02:45

Yes, once, due to their judgey religious values and comments made about another friend. There was no coming back from it unfortunately, but maybe it was time to move on anyway.

AnneValentine · 04/01/2024 18:41

Yes. My closest friend, maid of honour, closest friend forever. I adored her.

My sister got a girl friend and I discovered that my oldest favourite human was low level homophobic.

After five year we created a sort of amiable exchange. She congratulated me on baby. I her on hers. But it’s not the friendship we had. Not even close.

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