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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

"To have or not to have children?"

122 replies

Indecisivewoman · 04/08/2023 00:52

Hello, people, can you help me? I am very, very, very unsure about having children or not, it's really a huge dilemma for me. I have considered many advantages and disadvantages from both sides, and yet I am still undecided. I am 38 years old and I feel I am at the age limit. As you all here are experienced parents, maybe you can help me. I read a lot out there that many people regret having children, but they don't talk about it. Can anyone here give me some guidance? I am afraid of regretting not having children in the future. And I am afraid of regretting having children. It's such a difficult decision for me! And I like children a lot! But I also love my freedom.

Thank you very much! Best wishes for you all.

OP posts:
RugbyMom123 · 04/08/2023 00:56

Well your not going to know unless you do it.

When you look back what is your greatest regret in life?

Is it something you regret doing, or something you regret not doing?

That’s probably going to tell you more about your potential outlook than others experiences.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 04/08/2023 01:13

I don't have children through choice, something I've always been completely comfortable with. It's not a 'decision I had to make', because I've known since I was a child myself that I did not want children. I have always felt though, that if you have the slightest doubt, you absolutely should not have children. It's the most selfish thing you can do, in that the only possible reasons you can have for consciously deciding to have children are to satisfy your own wants, and given the time, effort, and energy required to be any sort of decent parent, if you have any doubts or misgivings I think you absolutely must err on the side of caution because it would be utterly irresponsible not to.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 01:35

What freedoms do you think you'd be sacrificing?

Summer2424 · 04/08/2023 03:40

Hi @Indecisivewoman i have had so much freedom in my life it's lovely but having a child is the best thing to have ever happened to me. My baby hasn't made me feel like i've lost my freedom, instead i feel complete. I also wish i had her 10 years ago and i'd had 4 kids by now! All the best in your decision xx

Sengah · 04/08/2023 03:47

If you aren't sure, don't do it! They are lovely, but such hard work, and so expensive! I feel you need to really really want them to do the crazy thing (in this day and age) of having them.

CelineEdgar · 04/08/2023 04:21

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 01:35

What freedoms do you think you'd be sacrificing?

As a mum of a 1 year old I had to laugh at this.

The holidays (we go on way less now as expensive with the kid as need extra room and flight seat etc.)

Career in some way, I've taken 1.5 years off and a lot of friends have had promotion since. I also won't be able to do late finishes sometimes to get ahead of a project.

Bladder and pelvic floor. I do the exercises but still have a weak bladder.

REST. I cannot just laze in my bed on a weekend morning - kid is up at 6am and wants breakfast, nappy change, playtime, walk.

Can't go for dinners or sunset drinks in the summer - kid goes to sleep at 6pm. Nanny is not really ab answer as then I'm on time watch (and have to deal with a baby whilst hungover).

My freedom - used to do Pilates 4 times a week. Not an option now. No more 3 day yoga retreats with girlfriends.

Finances - endless things the baby needs. Bigger car. Daycare.

Clean house.

These are just from the top of my head. I love my son and always wanted kids but the sacrifices are huge.

Ladyj84 · 04/08/2023 04:58

Had my 4 from age 35 and wouldnt change a thing. Was told from a young age I couldn't have children and was devastated so put my all into a career. Then met my now hubby and hey presto we now have 4 and I adore every minute and will never regret it no matter how many sleepless nights. On the street we live there's 4 older people so sad they sit all day nobody to visit no family etc and I feel blessed that we have our 4

sashh · 04/08/2023 06:05

I think it is better to regret not having children than it is to regret having them.

I'm another who never wanted them.

JorisBonson · 04/08/2023 06:07

sashh · 04/08/2023 06:05

I think it is better to regret not having children than it is to regret having them.

I'm another who never wanted them.

This, 100%.

Giveover80 · 04/08/2023 06:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 04/08/2023 06:33

Unlike childfree people people with children can compare their lives before and after having children. Yes my life is harder in many ways but it's enriched in so many others. I wouldn't change my life.

BlueKaftan · 04/08/2023 06:44

I’ve always known I didn’t want children. Not a broody bone in my body.

Beachywave · 04/08/2023 06:52

I think the answer is to only have one child. I was a young single mum to an only child for 10 years... we did loads of travelling and I felt free but enriched as a parent.

I'm now married with two more children... I love them dearly but a lot less freedom. I now have to work a four day week on opposite days to my DH as childcare is so expensive and it massively limits our travels as it's expensive to pay for four/five of us.

You can give one child all your attention but it becomes difficult when you have multiples IME.

thedevilinablackdress · 04/08/2023 08:14

I fully agree with @XDownwiththissortofthingX and am shocked at @RugbyMom123 and even @Beachywave This is a person's life that you are creating and if you're not sure about it, please don't do it. And yes I know millions of people do it every day. But growing up with a potent who regrets your existence is no way to live.

thedevilinablackdress · 04/08/2023 08:14

*parent

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 04/08/2023 08:22

Sengah · 04/08/2023 03:47

If you aren't sure, don't do it! They are lovely, but such hard work, and so expensive! I feel you need to really really want them to do the crazy thing (in this day and age) of having them.

This and as PP said it's better to regret not having kids then regret the kids you have. I always wanted children and it's still bloody hard. I wouldn't have done any of it if I wasn't very sure I wanted children.

RugbyMom123 · 04/08/2023 10:00

What on earth are you shocked about?! My comment is entirely neutral. The fact you read it one way rather than the other says way more about you than me.

NewCracker · 04/08/2023 10:00

I was always sure I didn't want children. But then when I got diagnosed with reproductive issues and after reevaluating, decided that I wanted one.
My DD is 9 months old. And there really are HUGE sacrifices. No sleeping in until when you like, my dd is up at 6/6:30 everyday you don't get to decide "actually I'm tired/ill today, so I'm going to skip this one". No spontaneous nights out, because dealing with a baby when you're hungover is actual torture. No staying out late in the day because my dd is cranky as hell come night time and has to be in bed by 6:30. No buying anything you fancy, because babies are always needing something and the are the priority. No working all hours of the day to make more money because you'd much rather be with your little one. Your body is completely different, weight gain is hard to loose again, for some. And if you breastfeed your body doesn't really feel like yours still. Your relationship will go through some kind of adjustment, you're learning how to fulfil the new role as parent while still maintaining a healthy partnership. You will be tired 100% of the time.
And there's also a real transition period that happens in the beginning where you do question what the hell you've done. Almost a sort of grieving for your old life. Because your life as you knew it is over. And that process is hard, or it may not be, but generally I found it tough.
But when I sit down now and compare my two lives, I feel that this journey is by far the most meaningful. I have learned more about myself in the last 9 months than the 30 years I've been on this earth. When I look at my DD she brings me more pure happiness than anything else I've ever experienced/seen/heard/had. It's a kind of love that is impossible to explain. I genuinely feel privileged to be able to experience the connection between us. I think we as people have this tendency to be somewhat self absorbed and children have the wonderful ability to pull us out of that, because once you have one you will never be the most important person to you again.
I hope you make a decision that is right for you.

RugbyMom123 · 04/08/2023 10:00

Above was to @thedevilinablackdress

Muhwanda · 04/08/2023 10:02

I was you at 38, i’m still the same at 41. It really is now or never - so we’re not not trying I guess.

fireflyloo · 04/08/2023 10:19

I have one and it has been amazing. I really don't feel like I've had to sacrifice anything. It really is the best of both worlds and even if I could have my time again (without fertility issues) I'd still have one.

The early days of course were tiring. So much about your parenting experience will depend on so many things- finances, mental health, career aspirations, family support and temperament of baby.

thedevilinablackdress · 04/08/2023 10:20

@RugbyMom123 you're right, I can see that.

RugbyMom123 · 04/08/2023 13:40

thedevilinablackdress · 04/08/2023 10:20

@RugbyMom123 you're right, I can see that.

Wow internet kudos to you. Not often people are open to admit an error. Hope you have a great day 😊

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 04/08/2023 14:15

The fact that you are 38, haven't had children yet and aren't desperately trying speaks volumes.

It is natural to doubt yourself at this age as time is running out but how did you feel at 25/30/35?

I suddenly got very broody around your age, it was why I joined Mumsnet. We tried for a while and it didn't happen, now I am a bit older I am mostly glad, it was more FOMO than actually wanting to have a child.

There's a Childfree board on here if you want to talk to people who don't have children for whatever reason.

thedevilinablackdress · 04/08/2023 14:50

Ah cheers @RugbyMom123 it's too easy to get the wrong end of the stick and fly off the handle

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