How do I enjoy and reveal my pregnancy when someone close to me has had a loss??

[MsLaidBack]

Hi 😊

So I'm only 7wks pregnant after trying for a while. My partner and I are so so happy as we're both older and I didn't think it would happen 💖

However someone close to me has just has a late miscarriage at 20+ wks. I am absolutely devastated for them and can only imagine how they must be feeling.

Since hearing the news I feel nothing but guilt especially when I get excited. I have my first midwife appointment this week and I don't even want to talk about it with my partner because I feel bad.

I know my first scan is a few weeks away and that's when we wanted to reveal our news but I just don't see how we can do that at this time.

I don't want to bring any additional hurt onto her than she's already experiencing.

I hate I can't enjoy my pregnancy without feeling guilt, but I can't help but think about my loved one and what she is going through 😔

This happened with my first pregnancy.
Firstly, congratulations on yours!
Its a really difficult one: we didn’t announce via any social media but regardless of the situation I wouldn’t have as it’s not really my thing!! I told a few close friends before the 12 weeks scan and waited until after this to tell the person I was close to who lost their baby in similar circumstances to those you mention.
I arranged to see them (not in a public place) and told them face to face, with the support of someone else we are close to there. I talked about it really gently with an awareness of the pain it could cause them and there were lots of hugs and tears (happy and sad ones)
In the end, your care and compassion in how you tell someone will ultimately be all you can control.

And as for the guilt you feel, this is really normal. It might be worth mentioning to your midwife or another health professional to see if there is any support out there for you. I know I found the time before the 12 week scan a very anxious time for me, probably emphasised by the loss the person close to me had experienced. So it’s worth talking to someone else you trust or a professional about it.

Congratulations to you. Sorry to hear about your friend.

I'd maybe text your friend, rather than tell her face to face, so she has time to digest and react in her own time/way. Explain why you're doing it via text.

Do try your best to enjoy your special time, you deserve it x

It is awful for the other person, but you must try to enjoy it. We don't get many shots at pregnancy. As heartbroken as they'll be for themselves, I'm sure they will be happy for you, even if they can't feel it right now.

If you haven't told them about your pregnancy already, text message is best so they can come to terms with it and have a cry in their own time.

It might be worth letting them know if you're going to put it on social and when so they can avoid social or block your content for a while.

My friends avoided putting much baby chat on our group chats when we were struggling to conceive and I appreciated that a lot.

I agree that a text is often kinder as it removes the additional stress of having to react to the news publicly. Also worth remembering (and not saying you don’t realise this but it sometimes gets a bit lost I think) that your news won’t make her loss hurt any more, nor will she wish it was her and not you etc, they are completely separate and her grief will not necessarily be hugely impacted by you being pregnant. I’m being a bit convoluted, but what I mean is- she’s in agony because of her loss, you really can’t make it worse by just telling her gently and simply by text and being as much as friend/ support/ loved one as you can be. So don’t overthink it too much or overload the significance of your news.

Thank you all for you support 😊I took a few days to myself and I'm feeling a lot better 💖

I would text and say it gently and that you acknowledge her situation and that you didn't want to be thoughtless, and hope it isn't upsetting but you wanted to let her know. Give her room to come back to you when she feels ready.

with text it allows her to process it on her own terms in her own time. Face to face is really putting her on the spot.