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Ethical dilemmas

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Original poster

Get into debt or miss best friends wedding

15 replies

BlueMumma2018 · 05/06/2023 20:30

I won’t mention too much info for fear of being identified.

but basically my best friend is getting married and asked me to he MOH. She told me about the wedding at the same time as asking so in a naive and stupid way I accepted and was all giddy over how lovely it was. I couldn’t say no, it was one of those moments for me anyway.. This was only in November. I was a bit nervous as I know we already had deposits down on another holiday that was going to cost a bit, it was not a lot of notice for the cost of it (2k return flight for one person alone) in a very far away tropical location that takes a day and night to get to. I will be going alone as we couldn’t even afford half a person to go currently.

anyway, fast forward to now. I haven’t booked the flight yet. What has has occurred since is that we are just about to remortgage. The new interest rate means we’re going to be doubling our mortgage payment. Our mortgage broker has advised that I do not take on any more debt for risk of not being able to borrow the correct amount and get the best rate etc. I am in a complete stress over money and not sleeping.

what the F do I do? I agreed to attend this wedding as a maid of honour and it is soon. It will crush my friend if I don’t go, I think it could even break the friendship. She doesn’t have kids and I don’t think realises how much less we earn compared to her. On one hand I would never miss this for anything in the world, but putting a financial risk and burden on my family for me to have a holiday basically is not right. I am not excited to go at all and feel so nervous of going on my own. I’m so sad about this and cannot find the right decision..

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 05/06/2023 20:32

You say sorry we can't afford it. Have a lovely time.

Lacoeur · 05/06/2023 20:33

People are so selfish when it comes to weddings! I’d never expect anyone to get into debt to attend my wedding likewise I’d never put myself in debt to have one! Just tell her the truth about your finances op, if she is a true friend she should understand.

Thethruththewholetruth · 05/06/2023 20:34

You just need to be totally honest. Please don’t get into debt over a wedding, it’s not all that. It’s important to them but shouldnt be causing this amount of stress for you, if you explain no one would want a friend to feel like that over something as minor as a wedding, if they do they really aren’t as good a friend as you probably think.

Supertayto · 05/06/2023 20:36

The right thing for your family is that you don’t go. If you feel, as most would, that your family comes before your friendships then that’s your course of action. If your friend loves you then she will understand and it won’t break your friendship. She’ll probably be shocked, a bit wobbly and perhaps upset but if she fall into that category where friends and family sort of merge then she won’t want you to put yourself in an untenable position for the sake of her wedding. If it does break the friendship then you will still be able to rest easy because you did the right thing by your family. Good luck.

NameChangeSake797 · 05/06/2023 20:36

I think you need to be honest with your best friend.

I fell out with my best friend during covid. Both myself and OH had been made redundant, really struggling to make ends meet and instead of being brutally honest with her that I just couldn’t afford it we ended up falling out. She was getting pissed off I wasn’t willing to pay for my hair/make use and I was getting annoyed how frivolous she was getting with my money (destination wedding, accommodation, holiday hen party, unexpected costs, shoes, hair, make up, gifts, petrol etc etc).

I wish I had just told her that unfortunately I just couldn’t afford the wedding and the pressure was crippling me.

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/06/2023 20:36

Yes go, bankrupt your family, become homeless

Or just tell her your circumstances have changed and you can't afford it.

I'd pick the second option

EezyOozy · 05/06/2023 20:37

My brother and his wife got married in California. Me and all of their family live in the UK. I was on maternity leave and skint when they got married - said sorry, can’t afford it. They still had the cheek to ask if I’d help pay for their photographer friend to fly out there (Obvs no photographers in California) - said sorry, can’t afford it.

Honeyroar · 05/06/2023 20:37

You’re just going to have to talk to her. Face to face ideally. Tell her how worried and upset you are, and how you feel absolutely dreadful and terrified of losing either her friendship or your home. See what she comes back with. I once had to pull out of a good friend’s wedding at very late notice because I couldn’t get leave from work. I had decided I’d pull a sickie, but chickened out as work were clamping down on sickness. I cried a lot telling her. She ended up giving me a big hug and telling me not to get in trouble at work. The friendship was fine.

bibbityboppityboo · 05/06/2023 20:38

Don't get into debt for someone else's wedding!

In her shoes I'm sure she wouldn't want you in debt for it.

However it sounds very head in sand - why have you left it this long and not booked tickets for it / told her the situation? Leaving it super late is going to create more ill feeling, especially if you've been going along with the pretence of going.

continentallentil · 05/06/2023 20:40

You just have to tell her your mortgage rate has doubled and you’ve been told not to take out any more debt. So sorry but you have to bow out.

She gets to be temporarily upset, but if she keeps it up she isn’t a friend with having. People cannot get married on tropical islands and expect everyone they want to come to be able to come. So be sorry and apologetic, but then carry on as normal.

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/06/2023 20:40

Eezy your brother is one CFer

MidsummerNightsDream · 05/06/2023 20:40

There’s absolutely no way I’d want a friend to go into debt for my wedding. Tell her the truth. If she breaks the friendship over this, that tells you what her priorities in life are. There’s no dilemma here.

Original poster

BlueMumma2018 · 05/06/2023 20:48

Thanks so much guys these comments are really helping me make the decision. I forgot to add that I haven’t seen her in 4 years as she lives abroad. She came to my wedding :(

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueMumma2018 · 05/06/2023 22:40

@Doggymummar @EezyOozy @Honeyroar @Lacoeur @MidsummerNightsDream @NameChangeSake797 @Redshoeblueshoe @Supertayto @Thethruththewholetruth @bibbityboppityboo @continentallentil

thanks for your replies. It has really helped me. I’m hindsight I was a bit unaware of the price hike we were facing naively. As our remortgages so far have been smooth sailing. Had I already booked it I would he inclined to go.. now for a very hard FaceTime call. Im dreading it

OP posts:

PatchworkDonkey · 06/06/2023 14:00

I haven’t seen her in 4 years as she lives abroad

I went to my best friends wedding. Earned very little (part time min wage) and the present list was expensive. Spent half a weeks wages on a present I couldn't afford. Resented it because a) her partner was well off and b) had his own house containing everything one needs in a home. The wedding list was so my friend could have it all changed to suit her taste. 5 yrs later, I moved home, the friendship faded and she's not in my life at all any more. If I had my time over again I'd buy a cheap present I could afford that wasn't on the list.

You have no options for making it cheaper, all you can do is not go. In time the relationship between you will change anyway, it's not practical to have a best friend you never see, other people will come along to fill that role for both of you. If the friendship fades due to your non-attendance at the wedding, that's a natural consequence of the life choices one of you made to move abroad. You have to put the family you live with first over someone who you never see.

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