Outgrowing friends

[Scorcher79]

Hi Folks,

My first time posting here and I'm looking for some impartial advice.
I'm a woman in my mid 40s and have a group of friends who met at teacher training college. There's 4 of us in the group and we've been friends for 16 years now. There's 2 ladies in the group that I've always liked and got along well with but there's a 3rd person who I've quite honestly sort of tolerated because the group of friends included her. In the last few years, I've found this 3rd person in the group very negative to be around and quite draining as a person. She has had a tough life and hasn't got much in the way of a support network and she 's single with no kids. I've tried to be supportive and understanding when she experienced bullying at work, fall outs with family members and more recently a relationship that none of us were very enthusiastic about because we found him quite controlling. However, I'm just sort of fed up of listening to the endless complaining and negativity from her. I feel like I'm being a bad friend for even admitting to this but I just think that she's been stuck in the role of a 'victim' for so long that she's no longer prepared to take any action on it. She's been in the same job for years (where she's experienced bullying and isolation) but doesn't seem to have made any efforts to get out of it and hasn't taken me up on any offers of advice or practical help such as helping her with cover letters and application forms. Recently we had a bit of a falling out as a result of a comment she made on Whatsapp that I found quite patronising and when I called her on it, things escalated to the point where she told me that I didn't value friendship beyond exchanging travel tips and advice (blatantly untrue as I'm currently supporting a good friend through cancer and also a friend who's been having a tough time in her marriage) and that she found how I expressed myself 'too strong' sometimes and said that if I wanted to 'argue with her', I'd best "stay away" from her as she couldn't handle it at the moment as an aunt of hers had died. I've told the other ladies in the group that while I still value their friendship, I wish to distance myself from this 3rd person and am happy to meet up with them separately (when the 3rd lady is not present!). This decision on my part was met with disappointment and I understand I'm essentially throwing a grenade into the group dynamic but I just don't enjoy this other lady's company any more...in fact I feel that she negatively affects my own mental health and I'd rather spend my time with more positive, optimistic people. Am I being incredibly judgemental and selfish?

We've got a friend in our group like this. She's unfortunately had a tough time but has become really bitter and judgemental, and some of her comments towards me have become quite nasty.

I've let the others know that I'm upset but not making a fuss as I'm sure it's coming from a difficult place and I don't want to cause rifts amongst us.

I've given her a little bit of a cold shoulder and she has kindly reciprocated, so the rest of them will meet up when I'm busy which I'm perfectly happy about and I delicately decline when she is going to be somewhere, or turn up later as she usually leaves early.

Maybe slowly distance yourself if you can.

You are not being mean at all. But enforcing that boundary for you might be difficult, and out your fiends in a difficult situation. Maybe compromise and say you'd like to minimise contact with her but if you have a problem with her and they don't, and she is happy for you to be present then you are the one who should decline invites and not put your friends in an awkward position. It's tricky but I've found as I've got older I've less tolerance for bitchy people, and I'm not really bothered what they think about me.

You're being totally reasonable. She's an emotional vampire. I've had a hard life too but I didn't go on about it endlessly to friends. I talked about the good things I was experiencing instead. It's ok to need a moan or some advice sometimes, but friendship requires you to bring your best self along too, you owe it to others to be good company for them where possible, it's basic manners. Otherwise you're just using people.

Three of you don't exist solely to provide emotional support to the fourth. It's rude of her to act that way and it doesn't actually help her if you accept this role, instead it enables her to remain in the awful situation, making it just about bearable by offloading onto you all. If you didn't take this role, her situation would become so unbearable she'd have to do something to change it.

It's ok for you to protect your own health first and foremost. That's the right thing to do. If the others don't understand then they're not really friends. Perhaps they're as stuck as the fourth person is, but in the role of rescuers. It's ok to choose not to be part of this unhealthy dynamic. In addition to rudely monopolising the group's time with whining about her rubbish life, fourth person is actually quite manipulative in the way she's turned on you and effectively made it untenable for you to be part of the group any more. That's nasty. She's basically told you to put up with her shit or fuck off, whilst simultaneously cleverly painting herself as the victim. If she did this on the WhatsApp group where the other two could see and their sympathies are still with her, I'd question their friendship towards you anyway. The situation is potentially looking like narc (moaner), flying monkeys (other two) and scapegoat (you) to me. If that's the case you'd be far better off out of it.

Thanks so much for your comment and understanding, I really appreciate it and it's good to get an outsider's perspective on things. I feel bad for making things awkward for the other two people in the group but what you said about it being OK to choose "not to be part of this unhealthy dynamic" really resonated with me and I wanted to acknowledge that and thank you for your advice. 😀

Thanks for your reply and the good advice! It's much appreciated.😀

You're welcome. Sometimes people are so sly or manipulative that we find ourselves sucked into a situation we don't want to be in. Hope the other two stay in touch with you once you've extricated yourself, but if they don't it's honestly no loss. True friends will make the effort.

I think it's fair enough, and if you don't want to then good on you for recognising it and doing something about it. The only issue will be it may be you who misses out if they are doing something, but as long as you're OK with that then I don't see a problem