Being asked by DM if she can invite a child my DD doesn’t do anything with to her birthday party

[Gem123J]

DD is having a birthday party in the next few weeks. I was talking to DM about the party and did say we were under the allowed limit currently for the venue although I am still waiting for some to confirm, if they confirm we will be at the limit that is allowed. One of the Mum’s I am waiting to confirm doesn’t usually turn up to anyone’s party so I’m not really expecting them to come.

DM asked me if she could invite her Niece’s DS if we are below the limit. The issue I have is I’m not close to her niece, my cousin of course, at all. We never communicate, and never have done. DM is close with her and her son but my DD doesn’t know either of them. She has only met him three times in fact and she will be 6. On the three times they have spent time together it wasn’t great. He is a couple of years older and when my DM was babysitting for me when DD was a baby she brought him along, DD was not happy, I think he was taking away all her toys or something. Second time I think was ok but this was when DD was maybe 3ish. Third time was recently, he had been staying with my DM for the weekend while his Mum was away and while we were there and my DD was getting attention off my Mum, so her GM, he got very jealous and wasn’t happy at all. I know if I asked my DD if she would like to invite him she would definitely say no, but I know DM would try and get her to change her mind by going on, and on about it, and I that would upset my DD. DM tends to use harsh emotional blackmail tactics at times if she doesn’t get her own way. And the only reason for DM to want him to come is to please her niece and her son rather than thinking of my DD and what she would like. All the other guests to the party are her class friends and a couple of friends she has out of school that she does regularly with. I think if he came he would stand out because no one would know him, even birthday girl herself!

If I’m under the limit should I just bite my tongue and let her invite him, even though I know DD wouldn’t want him there really. Or do I just tell my DM that I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I feel like there will be a bit of guilt tripping or
comments of me being horrible not letting her invite him.

Definitely don't invite him.
Put your daughter first.

Just tell your Mum that you've heard back from a couple of others now, so you are at your limit for numbers.

I doubt if an 8 yr old would particularly want to go to a party with a bunch of 5 and 6 yr olds he doesn't know anyway.

No, just say it's her party, she doesn't really know him, she didn't get on with him when she did meet him, he wouldn't know anyone there and it's better he doesn't come.

Just say you've reached the limit. She's not going to sit and count them on the day. And if she does, well someone's just not turned up.

Very odd of your mother to try to shoehorn him in like this. Say no.

Thank you all, definitely wanted to hear that. I thought I might be a little petty not allowing an extra child but there is absolutely no reason for him to be there to be honest, DM would come along with him since she does a lot with him so he wouldn’t be alone as such but he would just stick around her so what is the point really?!

I’m all for including children but to the extent that DD’s whole class is invited so no one is left out (since they’re still a bit young so not as understanding if some are left out), but to invite a child who doesn’t do anything at all with DD, isn’t in her class or isn’t in regular contact, doesn’t even know who she is even, (he doesn’t know that she is my DM’s Granddaughter!), so I feel like I have to put a stop there because it’s more for DM to please her niece rather than thinking of my DD.

A boy a few years older than 6 year olds would likely be bored playing with younger children so I can’t see any good coming of it.

Pretty sure she’s probably already had the party by now.

He is a couple of years older and when my DM was babysitting for me when DD was a baby she brought him along, DD was not happy, I think he was taking away all her toys or something.
So you're holding a grudge against an 8/9yo for their actions at age 2/3. WOW! You're amazing. I think it's really unreasonable that you haven't tried to have the cousins merry and get to know each other given they are so close in age and with close connections through your DM. Given that you don't let them meet normally at family events, he wouldn't fit in at the party. They will only ever get to know each other if you let them meet though, so at some point it's worth letting go of the upset about a toddler grabbing some toys.

@MRex

1. I’m not holding a grudge against anyone, I was only explaining the interaction they’ve had in the past.
2. he was 5 years old not 2/3. (but still wasn’t holding a grudge against him).
3. Wouldn’t it also be unreasonable for the mother of the boy for not trying to make contact with him? Why is it just me that’s unreasonable. I work, and the time that I will take my DD to meet other children out of school/work will be with her ACTUAL friends, who SHE wants to play with.
4. They are not cousins. The mother of the boy is my cousin who I’ve never done anything with because we were brought up not interacting with each other, not my fault we were only children so I am not responsible for the lack of relationship!
5. Close connections through my DM yes. However DM lives miles away from me so I don’t see her much anyway so there really isn’t that close of a connection.
6. Who said I was upset about a toddler (5 year old), grabbing toys?? You are making a LOT of assumptions.

This boy is three to five years older? 🤔 Why the heck would he WANT to go a six year old's birthday?! Wrong age and gender to me. At six it's very often pink Princess parties with added unicorns and KS1 not KS2 or 3.

I think your DM is being a bit rose-tinted here.

If you are expecting a guest, then assume they are coming even if they don't. Tell your DM that your EXPECTED guests put you at capacity. Blithely point out that you doubt it would be the scene for your cousin once removed as he's a bit old really. And play the "it might be a bit pink and girly" card, even if they're doing go-karting, go-ape or rifle shooting 😂 and your DD identifies as a DS...

And do use that term rather than cousins child or nephew - it will show a greater distance between the two!

Invite someone your DD hasn’t had good contact with? Definitely not.

It’s DD’s party, please don’t invite someone she wouldn’t choose to have there, especially not just to please someone else.