Argument with mum

[Helen622]

I had a terrible argument with my mum a couple of months ago. I was really angry and looking back I think I was very stressed at the time and taking it out on her. I sent her an email when I was really not thinking straight in which I told her she was a terrible mother and that I even hated buying her presents but did it out of duty. I did sort of mean it because she is difficult to buy for. She is very good at present buying and I feel under pressure to buy something lovely.

We made up, mainly because my mum said she was sorry and told me she loved me, which I really needed to hear. But things haven’t been quite the same and she is more reserved with me. I asked her what she wants for Christmas a month or so ago and yesterday I asked her again. She told me she doesn’t want a present. She was very nice about it, she said she doesn’t need anything and I should save my money. The thing is I know she is saying it because of what I said. I don’t know what to do. Neither of us had mentioned the email, but it’s always sitting there in the room. I honestly don’t think there is anything I can say because I can’t take it back.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Gosh.

What caused the argument? It is relevant, because at the moment it looks as though you said something mean and she apologised and said she loves you.

What was she apologising for, and did you apologise?

The only thing I can think of to patch things up would be to get her a lovely present despite what she has said- but that will put you under the kind of pressure that made you pop in the first place.

Would she appreciate something small and inexpensive, but made with love? I make candied peel, chocolate bark, or coated nuts for people. I use a combination of ingredients I know they love- apricot for mum, rice crispies for dad etc.

How are you now, are things less stressful?
Assuming she is a nice person- and her apology suggests she is- she will have been hurt by what you said, and she'll be protecting herself now from further pain. Until she can trust you again, she's likely to need a little distance.

Why would she tell you what she wants when you said you are only doing it out of duty. You got what you wanted, no need to buy her anything ever again.

I think you should make a gesture and buy something special - personalised for example a photo of you both in a frame, some tickets to an event together?

It sounds like you need the rebuild the relationship. Some things you could buy to go and do together depending on what sort of people you are and where you live are:

• Vouchers for a spa day/break
• Meal voucher at a nice restaurant
• Theatre tickets/vouchers
• Escape room experience
• Beginners kayaking/SUP/windsurfing at a local lake
• Book both of you on to a tough mudder/fun run
• Photography lessons

I get where your mother is coming from. I wouldn't want someone buying me a gift out of duty and, even if you tell her you didn't mean it now, she's always going to be wondering if it's really from the heart or because you 'have to'. Maybe just accept that she doesn't want one and get her one if you really do want to. Some words are hard to take back and people do often say what they mean when angry.

Send her the opposite email to what you sent her originally, and what you explained to us. Something along the lines of:

"Looking back I think I was very stressed at the time and taking it out on you I was really not thinking straight. You're a wonderful mother, and very good at present buying and I put myself under pressure to buy something lovely for you which causes me stress. I love you dearly and hope you understand. I'll buy you something this year but won't put so much pressure on myself to make it perfect"

Then buy her something really simple like a box of chocolates.

Arrange for the two of you to do something together as her present - as WhatHappenedToYoyos says, this could be almost anything depending on interests and budget. Theatre or concert tickets, a cookery/art/craft class, a weekend away somewhere...

But that's just a continuation of the problem isn't it? More pressure to buy a present.

More important she expresses that she loves her mum and she's a good mum.

Was telling her she's a terrible mother done generally or with very specific reasons and examples? It makes a difference as to how hard this will be for her to heal from.

I'd let your mother know what you've said here. You were under stress and taking it on her, unfairly. If you don't like gift buying, be honest and ask if there's an alternative way you can approach gift occasions together, like having a meal out or having a shared experience.

I think the message above sounds perfect, but I don't think we've heard enough about the backstory here.

Buy her something edible/drinkable or otherwise consumable. It doesn’t matter if it’s also something she will sometimes buy for herself. She’s no longer expecting perfect thoughtful keepsakes that she will treasure forever.
What does she like? Wine? Chocolates? Nice biscuits? Special tea or coffee? Buy a nicer version of her everyday favourite. She’ll appreciate the gesture and if you get it wrong someone else will eat/drink the gift at some point so no wastage.

What about as bouquet of flowers delivered every month so she gets something every month. What is your budget?
a personalised calendar of yourself/family.
A jigsaw of her on a special day/event even better if your both in picture

She is distant because of the arguement its not really relevant.

Don't push the present she said no. Leave it perhaps you can do an afternoon tea? Half day Spa?

You must have had valid reasons for the anger towards your mother.
You need to get to the bottom of it before your relationship can progress.

I was really angry and looking back I think I was very stressed at the time and taking it out on her. I sent her an email when I was really not thinking straight in which I told her she was a terrible mother and that I even hated buying her presents but did it out of duty

Have you apologised? You don't say in your OP.

Why not sit down and actually talk to her an explain that you lashed out at her, but you were stressed and angry.

You know - why not be an adult and own your emotions and acknowledge you fucked up?

It's not ok to use other people as your punching bag because you are stressed.

Thank you for all your responses. Regarding the back story, my mum and I have always been really close and I know that she would do absolutely anything for me. I think I was just hating the world when I sent the email and pushing away the one person I knew I could rely on. I think I have hurt her so much now that there is nothing I can ever say to make it better. I have started to compose several emails but they just don’t seem as if they can undo the harm. I honestly don’t think she will accept a present if I buy one. I could maybe book some sort of bonding experience, that’s a good idea thank you.

My sister does what you describe. She gets stressed out and says awful things to me and our little sister and our mum. It really is unprovoked and to be honest we are all really fed up by it. She complains that we are reserved with her but honestly it's self protection.

What I would do is go and talk it out. Properly apologise and say that you want to build back trust.

Have you actually sat down with her - looked her in the eye and said sorry?

Mothers generally have a remarkable capacity to forgive and love their children, but we do also get hurt and take on board what is said. Some things are hard to take back and will take time to heal from, but that's not to say it can't happen. She may be worried it will happen again so is cautious. The specifics of what was said might be something that will always remain, but that doesn't mean that it can't be moved on from. This is unlikely to be this way forever but might take some time. Just write or speak from the heart. Be honest. I think that will go a long way. If what you raised is a genuine gripe, maybe your mother will even be happy to work through that with you? We know we don't always get things right as mothers and I think we all have things we'd change if we could do it again.

I think you need to say to her what you have said here in your last post. You need to have a frank, but unheated, conversation about what happened and why. She might still be hurt but at least you've tried. Brushing it under the carpet doesnt help either of you. It might feel uncomfortable but itll be worth it in the end.

Have you actually told her the reason you find present buying so hard is because she does it so well and you feel pressure to be as good? Because thats quite different to hating buying her presents.

Stop composing emails and talk to her. Tell her when you sent that message you were low and stressed and regret it and didn't mean it.

Ask her for help and support. Apologise. Be open. Be vulnerable. If you were close I'm sure you can get it back.

Then get her an Xmas gift anyway but make it personal. Your fave photo of the two of you in a frame for example.

You might be struggling with perfectionism. This email, and any gift, don't need to be perfect. That isn't what it's about.

Does your mum expect you to be perfect? If not then this is pressure you are putting on yourself and you need support to unpick it.

Maybe the best present you could give her would be a short note saying
you love her very much,
you realise you said very hurtful unfair things.
You will do some counselling to help you unpick why you get stressed and take it out on her because you don't want to do it again.

I agree, I've been through something similar the main thing is to reassure she's loved and you think highly of her, your Mum will forgive you!

@Helen622 A few people have asked whether you have actually sat down with her and said sorry because that is important. If you show humility and show acceptance that your behaviour was very wrong and say you want to do something really nice with her, just the 2 of you in the new year as an Xmas gift to you both that could so some way to mending and the relationship.

Explain why you said what you said and that you were lashing out. Apologize. Tell her you do want to get her something. For what its worth, I prefer people to show they have thought about me and my life and come up with a present from there - I would rather have something small which shows they have been paying attention to me over the year, rather than an expensive present. Like a pair of socks if I said I thought I needed a certain type at some point, rather than something bigger.