Termination, knowing it’s the right choice but choked with guilt.

[user1466116005]

Bit of a long one so bare with me.
I am blessed to have 2 beautiful children, DS 9 and DD 2. Both pregnancies / births triggered ptsd due to past abuse & I had my daughter slap bang in the middle of the pandemic which was traumatic to say the least. With the support of my OH and mum I was fine I got through it better than I thought. She was truly a light in what was a dark time.

Fast forward to last year, my dad suffered majorly with lock down and his health deteriorated immensely, he was found dead in the February, a day after my mum was diagnosed with aggressive double breast cancer. We had to go through the funeral knowing she was about to be rushed in for major surgery. All of my plans of going back to work were put on hold which I didn’t care about because nothing else mattered than getting my mum better. We all then got covid in the October, which was brutal and I ended up losing most of my hair.

My OH has an alcoholic father which has sent him into a deep depression, he’s been on the sick since early this year. It has been extremely difficult trying to cope with my own emotions as well as his and trying to keep the house in order, look after 2 kids and 2 dogs as well as dealing with his anger issues.

I have been trying to focus on self care this last month and made the choice to start up my beauty business from home which we are in the process of renovating which is really exciting, my DD is settled in a great nursery so things were looking up... until last week when I had a positive pregnancy test. I cried.

Mostly I am so angry at myself for letting this happen, I was referred for sterilisation last year but denied due to my age (30) and I’ve been on a waiting list for the implant even though contraception totally messes up my system. (I ended up having a cervical ectropian and having to be cauterised due to constant bleeding which was awful).

I have spoken to the hospital about a termination, I am going for tests due to my lack of immunity to anything since covid. I have been referred for chest x rays which I have put on hold due to my head being all over with this shock pregnancy.

My partner just doesn’t want to know, he is 100% against another baby which I totally understand as I feel the same. It’s just been a worldwind since we had our dd and honestly the thought of having to cope with a newborn on top of everything else makes my heart nearly pound out of my chest.

I can’t tell my mum as I’m worried the stress will be too much, she’s also really religious and completely anti abortion.

I just feel so alone and sad, I’m only 4 weeks but when I look at my beautiful kids I just feel like I’m the worst person in the world.

Im trying to focus on self care but I just know that either way this is sending me into a deep depression. I’m avoiding everyone and just don’t want to go anywhere or do anything except be at home with my kids.

Has anyone ever felt the same but came out on the other side actually ok? Are these feelings of guilt normal?

I just wish I could run away from it all.

Thanks for reading.

Oh lovely, what a desperate time you've had. No wonder you're all over the place.

I think feelings of guilt are probably normal - I had a termination over twenty years ago and even though I knew i was fundamentally not capable of raising a child at that point in life, I still felt guilty. But it was definitely the right thing to do - I would not have given that baby a good life.

Perhaps try and think of it as the best way to keep being the wonderful mum you are to your two children is to not put yourself through the trauma of an unwanted pregnancy? You need to look after yourself in order to look after them, after all.

I hope things get better for all of you.

Hello, Im sorry to hear all you have gone through in the last two years. I know this is not the answer you want to hear but I don't think you should go through with a termination. I know you can't see the woods for the trees right now but just take it one day at a time and trust that it will all work out in the end.... You are young and will have lots of time in the future to get the business running etc.... things will work out.

@user1466116005 sorry to hear everything you have been through.
You need to access proper counselling to help you talk through all of this and you have time to do that. Everyone in your life around you will have their own view and on here well, we could be anyone.
Get the number or an appointment for an independent advice organisation and get in touch.

Good luck and take care.

Good advice above
whatever decision you make - it will affect you for a long time - and I do mean whatever decision you make - there is no judgement.
Be careful and get as much counselling as you can. Which decision can you live with in the long term?

Oh gosh you've all had such a time of it. Its not the right time and remember no matter how much you've tried to keep everything from your children they've been through it to. As a pp said keep being a wonderful mum to your two children and imo a termination would be the right choice.

Thank you, counselling seems like a good idea. Keeping isn’t an option unless I want to walk away from my life, my beautiful home and everything with it and I just can’t do that to my children. But that has been made clear.

I wonder if your feelings of guilt are perhaps stemming from your upbringing and mum’s religious views? Do you feel guilty about putting yourself first and knowing your limits? In life generally as well as in this dilemma? It sounds very reasonable to me that you’ve had a lot of stressful circumstances to cope with in a short space of time and that the best thing for you and your family is to focus on recovery and healing, physically and mentally, rather than needing to nurture a new baby.

I can’t see anything in your post to indicate that you‘re in two minds. You come across as if you know your mind and what’s right for you, but there’s some outside forces telling you that what you need goes against what you ‘should’ do - which is why I wonder if it’s the religious and perhaps a deep need to please your mum or others that’s creating the dilemma for you? I think this kind of guilt is very, very normal.

I don’t know - only you know what’s really going on inside you, but I would just take a bit of time to think about what you’d do if there were no consequences and no other people to explain yourself to. It must be so hard to sort through it all

Oh gosh - why is keeping the baby not an option?? There’s an awful lot of outside pressure coming from somewhere about that option if you’re being threatened with those consequences?

I think you’re right. Thank you x

Oh OP I really feel for you. I'm pro choice and would have a termination in these circumstances, but I know that I would also feel really sad and guilty about it. I hope that you are able to access counselling that can help you

@B1pbop OH is completely adamant, he’s not being horrible it’s just we are going through an awfully stressful time. I know that even if I did chose to keep it it would put immense stress on us as individuals as well as our relationship.

BPAS and Marie Stopes both offer counselling, both before a termination and afterwards if needed/wanted.

I had an abortion and did have some mixed feelings. It was absolutely the right decision and I in no way regret it, but I regret that it was necessary, if that makes sense? I think you'd probably benefit from talking it through with someone not involved.

Is your OH at the moment sticking his fingers in his ears and going lalalalalala this isnt happening? Because that is what is sounds like.

You have two options open to you and both are valid and both are going to lead to tricky emotions and issues but you need to talk through and discuss both options.

I would say to your OH that ignoring it and hoping it will simply disappear isnt an option. A termination whilst solving some of that brings with it complications that he needs to talk through with you and accept your feelings are more towards keeping it. A proper discussion (that may well be emotional) and accepting whatever choice is going to be hard is the only way you are going to get through this with your relationship intact.

I am 100% Pro Choice. But it should be YOUR choice OP not one that is forced upon you

Counselling is the first step

@Quartz2208 yes I’m having a bit of difficulty with how he’s so emotionally detached and it’s already causing arguments.

I know the best choice for myself and my children would be not to go ahead with the pregnancy, it would just be nice for him to realise that this is going to be really horrible for me and just be a bit more considerate.

I think either way it’s going to leave a funny smell in the air if you know what I mean.

I will try talking to him, although I do think counselling is definitely what I need after everyone’s replies.

Thank you for your advice

@silverclock222 thank you x

This guilt over a few cells is not rational. Why would the preservation of something the size of a peanut with no sensations or consciousness figure so large u less you have strong religious beliefs?

You may be confusing the planning and joy you got from the conception of your other children? Just try to put things in perspective. The huge upheaval and even resentment you may feel during the pregnancy and the longer term affect on your children, your marriage, your happiness and your plans. There may be people saying you will love the child no matter what, and you will, but it's not a child now, it's just a few cells.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal thank you so much x

Op I’m so sorry you’ve been through/ going through such a time. I wouldn’t get a termination though. I think guilt feelings serve a purpose of instinctively telling us we’re about to do (or have done) something wrong. Having the baby and putting it up for adoption is an option, at least that way the baby will live and the burden of termination will not forever weigh on you. There is a really high demand for adoption babies, there is every good chance he or she would be matched with a loving family and have a good life. So sorry you’re in this position OP

@inheritanceshiteagain thank you.

Hugs. No judgement.from.me, you can only do so much in life with what you have. I applaud you for recognising that. I wish you strength for whichever path you travel along.

@ehb102 ❤️