Borrowed without asking but not returned

[lilyflower24]

I recently posted and got some really good advise so would like some more please.

Over a month ago I noticed my partner and borrowed my portable power bank and had it set up in another room, he hadn't asked to borrow it, and I don't have a problem with him borrowing it either. He would have taken it from where I always keep it, bedside drawer, I wanted to use it a couple of days ago and it wasn't back in the drawer so I looked in other areas of mine and my partners but couldn't find it, we live together.

Last night I asked him if he's seen it and he started to get defensive, at first acting like he didn't borrow it, then when I told him what the setup I'd seen he said that it was 6 months ago, it 100% was not that long ago and tried to say I must have used it after him and I'd lost it myself! I said no I haven't, and I always return it to the same place.

He was getting very mad at me, and I was saying look I'm just asking where it is as I wanted to use it and know you borrowed it, but rather than say he's lost it, and doesn't know where he's put it, he was blaming me for losing it and getting irate at me and then he stomped off to bed.

Am I been ridiculous for asking for the return of my item? I actually was worried about asking him about it as he's done this kind of thing before and got loud at me so he doesn't have to address it.

He's a very messy person, always losing things and then shouting at me for losing his things when he just doesn't know where he put it last, he never apologises afterwards either, many many times that's happened.

Please advise on if I should just just drop it now, although I dare not bring it up again anyways as this is the usual drama I get when I do try to question his ethic's.

He sounds awful- not the borrowing so much but the shouting and defensiveness. It’s not right that you’re scared to bring it up due to his aggressive reaction. I’d be giving the whole relationship a rethink.

I don't enjoy being shouted at so I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person like that

My exDH used to have some of these behaviours. He wasn't borrowing my stuff, but using his own stuff and losing it. Then he'd blame me for taking it/losing it. He'd go on and on. wanting to know where it was or demanding I replace it. It used to cause big arguments but eventually I learned to say "you've lost it, it will turn up, and no doubt you won't apologise for blaming me" and then disengage. It didn't stop him behaving that way and in the end it was one of very many reasons I left him.

Time to start refusing to let him borrow things, and to take them back if you see he has borrowed them. As for his attitude, he's harming the relationship...

This.

You might want to look up the term “gaslighting” @lilyflower24

His attitude is terrible, I wouldn't put up with that. My dp is terrible for losing things, he knows this and it annoys him, because of this he refuses to borrow anything of mine as there is a high chance of it going missing. How much joy does this relationship give you?

Whendovesfky ...he does that to me all the time, and shouts around the house saying he's sick of his things going missing, saying he's had enough of people moving his things, only me and him majority of the time in the house! I would look at the list item from a common sense point of view and say why don't you try your car as I remember you ...etc, he would say no it would not be there, moan, stomp around turfing wash baskets out and leaving the clothes piled on the floor, he's that kind of person. I try to help him find it as he labels me unhelpful if o don't, it's usually found where he's left it, but with him been so unorganised he's just forgot!

If you're too scared to bring up ANYTHING with your partner then you're in the wrong relationship. Sorry.

OK, so this really, really, really isn’t about the borrowing of your item, you realise that don’t you, OP?

On the off-chance you don’t, this really isn’t about the ‘borrowing’ of your item.

It’s actually about the taking of your item without asking you, the lying to you when questioned about it, and the anger and silencing of you, so that you stop asking about it and he gets away with it (and this sort of thing in general).

He’s in control and you’re silenced into submission.

This is serious red flag territory. But of course, it’s up to you whether you consider it to be a red flag, or something you’re happy to live with.

I wouldn’t be. But that’s because I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who lies to me or who shouts at me (people who are in such relationships will tell you it’s normal. It may well be - clearly, it is - for them, but it’s absolutely not normal, let alone healthy).

In the short term though, clearly the obvious solution is simply to do to him what he does to you. ‘Borrow’ (take) your own item back and put it back where it belongs.

Renegadematron...you are right, he can borrow my things it's what I get in response to him not returning it is the problem, and yes a red flag, and I am wanting to walk away from this relationship because of many of these red flags. I just can't seem to walk away, like someone said to me on Mumsnet previously, just stuck in the sunk cost fallacy and just can't seem to get the mental strength to do it! When do people get that strength from? As I keep getting Beaten with the verbal stick yet I'm still there taking it, I feel so pathetic 😢

Aha so - your actual need here is, how do I safely disengage from this twat?

That's a whole different area. You'll need to consider - whose house it is, where one of you will go, money, safely getting out, the split itself, the conversation, keeping safe from consequences - all easily sorted.

@lilyflower24 Can I suggest you post on Relationships? You’ll get good advice there.

I’m so sorry you’re in the situation.

My suggestion is to start a thread in relationships, where you’ll get kind, supportive, constructive advice on the actual issue at hand (disengaging from this unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship), rather than the symptom of your bad relationship (the ‘borrowing’ of your belongings, or whatever else he does that annoys and frustrated you, but which isn’t the actual issue).

And can I just reiterate what I said in my first post - I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who lies or shouts at me. And I’m nearly 50.

I mean, I’m sure I’ve been told the odd white lie here and there, but I haven’t been in a relationship with a man who bare-faced lies and gaslights me. I certainly have not been in a relationship with a man who shouts at me.

I say this to make it clear that most men are good men, and don’t do this. I haven’t got some amazing, unique specimen (I mean, he is to me, but generally speaking).

It can be hard to remember that there are a lot of good men out there, because people only post on here about the shitty, sub-standard ones.

The longer you hang around with a shitty, sub-standard one, the more your self-esteem is eroded, and the less chance you have of living a content life alone, or, of meeting one of the decent ones.

Throw him back. There are plenty more fish in the sea, and most of them aren’t rotten.

Can you tell us why you're with him? He sounds absolutely horrible the way you described him here. Does he have any other attributes that make you happy to live with him?

Leave him, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him just because you've spent some of your life with him. I don't really see this as an ethical dilemma either.

Getting beaten with the verbal stick yet still taking the beatings is endorsing his behaviour.
In the end you will get sick of him completely unless you either put a stop to it NOW or end things.
I think it is on you to act OP as he will continue like this, and I doubt he is happy either.

Well that's a good start. You know this relationship is no good for you, and you can see what's keeping you in it.

You are not pathetic, what you are is abused. His abuse is robbing you of your strength. I second the suggestion that you start a new thread in the Relationships board, there are a lot of posters there who are knowledgable and wise. ((hug))

Where do you get the strength to walk away? From your inner voice. Listen to it, look at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself what the question, your inner voice will get louder.

If it was someone else who borrowed something without asking and didn't return it, you'd call it..stealing?
He thinks very little of you, or your possessions OP.

He's stealing your stuff and is emotionally and verbally abusive to you. Unless you change it, this is the rest of your life.

You can end the relationship, it doesn't have to be like this.