Am I going mad?

[EnglishHusband1]

Hello

I'm after some advice following a frustrating encounter with my wife.

I returned home from work after attending a business lunch with a client and group of business people (their other clients).

I returned home and walked through the door with a happy smile on my face, and my wife turned to me and said 'Can I ask, did you really go to Newcastle?'. I stood there feeling angry and let down, before I looked her in the eye and said 'No', to see her face change to exactly what I knew she meant behind the question. I followed with an angry disbelief of 'Of course I went to bloody Newcastle'. I called her a name, which I shouldn't have. I was just that crushed, I just didn't know how else to express my feelings at what had just been asked and the manner it was asked.

Now, my wife then went onto what a weird way to reply and started to make me feel bad and stated I was defensive! This made me even more annoyed because after the hurt caused from her question, she now made me feel bad about my response.

I really annoyed because now I feel like I'm being gas lit and whatever I do, my wife is not in the wrong. I stated that what she should have done is realised what she had asked, how I would feel as a result of the lack of trust, and some sort of understanding that what she asked caused offence (not defensiveness).

What I'd really like to talk about with her is why she felt she needed to ask and what stopped her from realising that what she asked hurt me.

My wife and I have typical ups and downs, but I fell in love with my wife at forst sight, and ever since, she has every millimeter of my heart. I show her affection, compliment her, put time into time away, pay all bills, take my share of parenting, so what am I doing wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, I have a short fuse with my eldest that causes a level of resentment, but he has ADHD and it is a weakness I'm working on.

I'm tired of whenever my wife says something that causes hurt, it's like nothing has happended and I have to deal with it.

So, did I overreact, or was it a natural reaction to be hurt by such a question?

You overreacted.

You were defensive, gave a sarcastic answer and lashed out by calling your wife a name (then refused to take responsibility for that).

She asked you a question for whatever reason, and rather than tackle the question and what is going on, you've attacked her for asking it.

Seems a weird thing for your wife to ask unless you have form for telling lies to her and being in different locations to what she has been told.

Well... did you go to Newcastle?

Why do men always have to use all the words?

However, Op, have you at any point in the past given her cause to believe that you might lie about where you were?

If you feel like she says things and wont acknowledge that they hurt you do you think joint therapy might help?

No wonder men write more novels than women.

That's a very flowery writing style you have there op. So what's the story behind her asking? You have left that part out of your tale.

Why have you posted this in 'Ethical dilemmas'?

No wonder I prefer female writers.

OP, your wife has doubts about where you were. Why is that?

Your immediate reaction to her question was anger and feeling let down. Why is that?

What did she mean behind the question?

If I'd walked in the door and my OH had asked me if I'd really been wherever, I'd just be confused.
You say you love your wife but .... there's clearly something not right on both sides.

Have you cheated on your wife before? Does she have reason to be suspicious of your business trips?

And yeah, I know if the roles were reversed, the woman would get way more sympathy than you, OP.

No, she cheated on me when we were dating, but we are both loyal since then (14+ years). She didn't have any reason to doubt what I'd told her.

I did overreact, and I shouldn't have used a name, but I was upset as I thought we had reached a level where there was no doubt anymore. I'm a bit (lot) OCD about the truth, so it crushed me at the same time I was asked.

She said she thought I was going to secretly visit a friend, but it made no sense.

After thinking about it, I think we were both on different pages, and the way we both approached it couod have been better.

If I walked into the house and my DH asked me 'Were you really in Newcastle', I wouldn't be angry and let down and call him a wanker, I would assume he thought I had got confused about where I was on which day.

If I had overreacted and called him a wanker he would probably have thought I actually had something to hide.

Did you ask her why she thought you may have been elsewhere?

Yes perhaps you could have used a better word. But OP you need to talk to your wife about this, not is outsiders. Why doesn't she trust you? You deserve her trust. We can't be any help to you, it's between the two of you. Good luck.