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Ethical dilemmas

Am I doing the right thing?

12 replies

Jinxed1993 · 05/05/2022 15:29

I've already posted this on a couple of different topics but really just want as much opinions as possible so I'm sorry if you've already read this. I'm just looking for an outside perspective on my situation. Any and all replies are welcome even critical ones.


A good few years ago I had a brief relationship with a man who is not even from the same country as me, he was travelling here regularly for work. He got me pregnant and then disclosed that he's actually married with three kids and can't help me. I was in shock and very confused. He wanted me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. He has met our daughter once when she was just a couple of months old and since then we've had no contact. He doesn't help in any way financially either and afaik nobody on his side of the family know about my daughter's existence. I've never asked him for anything and have no desire to ruin his family.


Fast forward a bit and I met a great guy who also has a daughter from a previous relationship and now we're married. He is so good to me and my daughter and treats her like his own. The problem is I've told him limited information about her father and his circumstances. I've only told him that it was a brief relationship, he's not in the picture and neither is his side of the family and he lives in another country. The reason for not disclosing the full story is because in the beginning I didn't want to give too much info in case things didn't work out and it's a rather personal thing between my and my daughter. As I got to know him better I came to learn he has a habit of over sharing with his mother and he has a large extended family who treat their lives like a soap opera and constantly gossip and tell eachother things. He shares things with her innocently thinking she won't tell anyone but you know how these things are - "guess what I heard but you can't tell anyone" kind of thing and before you know it everyone knows. It's the only thing about him that bothers me, everything else in our marriage is going great. I really don't want my daughter finding this out before I tell her. I don't want her knowing she has other siblings until the time is right and she's old enough to process the information.


But I feel like I'm lying to my husband, I feel guilt for keeping this secret from him. I fear for the future when I eventually have to tell him. I fear he'll feel betrayed. Am I doing the right thing in lying by omission to protect my daughter or should I come clean?

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LollyLol · 05/05/2022 15:39

You don't need to tell your DH. It doesnt impact the way he helps to parent your dd, there is no expectation it should really change the way he feels about you or your child. And you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Imagine a situation where a man with NO children got your pregnant and then walked away and never looked back. He might have other children; your dd would have siblings and you may not even know about their existence.

I also think calling them "siblings" is a stretch; they are half-siblings and there is zero chance your DD could have a fraternal relationship with them in the circumstances.

What I WOULD do, is write a letter to your DD and another to your DH, to be opened in the event you suffer an early untimely death, so that you can explain the background.

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Wayfairtwo · 05/05/2022 16:14

You don't need to tell your husband anything more that what you've already told him. What difference is it going to make? How will it affect him or your daughter if he knew all the nitty gritty? Take your secret to the grave.

I don't tell my DH everything and there is one secret in particular that I'm taking to the grave with me. Its something in my past, it doesn't affect him, our DS or our relationship in any way so therefore he doesn't need to know. END OF.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2022 16:17

I don't understand what part you are withholding.

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FairyCakeWings · 05/05/2022 16:26

I don’t think it matters that you haven’t told your husband that your dd has siblings somewhere in another country. It’s not relevant to your lives now and it’s not something massive about you that he should know. Him knowing wouldn't change anything, there’s no need to share it. You don’t even need to tell your dd any more than you’ve told your husband. All it would do is hurt her.

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MrsGluck · 05/05/2022 16:30

I don't understand what the secret is either.

I haven't told my DP everything about my past relationships. Yes, some of it is stuff I am ashamed of or now think were mistakes. But mostly because it's not important anymore.

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MrsGluck · 05/05/2022 16:36

You don't even need to tell your dd any more than you have told your husband.

I'm not sure I 100% agree with that, because it is information about herself. The issue is a bit different. If dd ever asks about her biological father, I would answer truthfully.

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Wayfairtwo · 05/05/2022 16:42

MrsGluck · 05/05/2022 16:36

You don't even need to tell your dd any more than you have told your husband.

I'm not sure I 100% agree with that, because it is information about herself. The issue is a bit different. If dd ever asks about her biological father, I would answer truthfully.

But she hasn't said her DD, she said her DH

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Jinxed1993 · 05/05/2022 17:03

MrsGluck · 05/05/2022 16:36

You don't even need to tell your dd any more than you have told your husband.

I'm not sure I 100% agree with that, because it is information about herself. The issue is a bit different. If dd ever asks about her biological father, I would answer truthfully.

Yes my plan is to answer truthfully. Obviously when younger I'll give her the more watered down version I gave to DH but as she gets older then yes I fully intend to tell her that she has at least 3 half siblings (that I know of). She will likely ask why her bio dad ran off and cut contact and I'll have to be honest with her about the reason why. That is a conversation for the future though.

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Jinxed1993 · 05/05/2022 17:06

MrsGluck · 05/05/2022 16:30

I don't understand what the secret is either.

I haven't told my DP everything about my past relationships. Yes, some of it is stuff I am ashamed of or now think were mistakes. But mostly because it's not important anymore.

I guess it's just that I didn't tell the full story and left out some key info and I will likely eventually have to tell him and he might feel as if I lied to him. I'm probably overthinking it way too much tbh as it doesn't change anything in our relationship and its my daughter's business anyway, she is the one affected by all this not me or DH

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Chinuplippyon · 05/05/2022 19:26

I don't think you're really withholding anything from your husband. He knows the basics. You didn't know the man was married with kids so you didn't knowingly get involved in an affair or anything.

You've got a plan for telling your daughter the full story at an appropriate time and she can then do what she wishes with that information so stick with that. He can find out at the same time from her. As you say, it's your and her business and the half siblings/ bio father are unlikely to become part of her life as things currently stand.

Thing is, if he can't be trusted to be discreet with sensitive information that does not directly affect him then it is for you to manage what you tell him, not to take chances with something possibly delicate for your daughter becoming public knowledge.

Only thing I wonder is, is he aware of his indiscretion, as in if you told him this with the explicit instruction that it goes no further, do you think he would respect that? Only ask that as that way he would be in the picture in case the bio father pops up in the interim between talking to your daughter in full and now?

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CorsicaDreaming · 11/05/2022 19:45

It does not sound like he has asked much about it or is that interested, I don't see that you are withholding information or need to feel at all worried or guilty about it.

In fact if I was in that situation, as your DH, I would prefer to know as little as possible about the previous partner and just concentrate on my own relationship with my partner and step child. So maybe he wouldn't even want you to go into huge detail in any event. And if it will end up being a drama line in the family soap opera I really wouldn't. It would not be fair on your daughter.

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SilverPeacock · 11/05/2022 19:54

I think your justification is that it is dds info and you wanted her to know first when the time is right. Dd is the priority here not Dh and he should be able to take that on board.

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