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Ethical dilemmas

FAMILY HISTORY- TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL ??

6 replies

Ariadneslostthread · 26/11/2021 13:11

I’m engaged in writing a book , the story behind which is based on real life incidents in our family.
Whilst researching our family tree, I discovered that my mum( who died last year age 91, born 1927)and two of my Aunts ( born 1926 (died), and 1928 ( living) respectively) all arrived before my grandparents were married in 1931. My mother always complained she had grown up not feeling loved, rejected and resented,,and now this makes sense. She also said that my grandfather walked out on my Gran and his children, because his wife had not had a boy, which he desperately wanted . He did come back, but the more I discover, the more sense my family history makes. When my uncle was born in July 1931, my grandfather obviously saw fit to marry my gran in December 1931. So , my questions are ;

Do I tell my older sister this ?. I’m 48, she is 15 years older.
Do I tell my Aunt or my cousin this ? . I’m wondering if my mother or aunt actually knew that their parents were not married ?
I know that nowdays a situation like this is meaningless, but I m caught between including this in my book because it’s a pivotal part of the story, and not wanting to cause hurt to my family. When this happened my mother and my aunts illegitimate status would have been a point of shame. I don’t want my family to find out via my book About this, when I should have been the one to tell them. I am already a published author, so There is no question this book won’t be published. I’m in a real quandary over this…any advice would be welcomed

OP posts:
DeedIDo · 13/12/2021 14:05

We decided not to tell DMIL that her DM was pregnant on her wedding day. We thought it would spoil her memories of her DM, who had died young.

Me, I want to know everything!

potoforchids · 13/12/2021 14:53

I think your maths is wrong - if your mum died last year (2020) and was born in 1927 she must have older than 91?

I wouldn't bring this up. It could cause upset which would be needless really given it happened so long ago.

Change123today · 13/12/2021 15:01

Doing my family history a number of marriages a baby was born within 6 months of date of marriage l! We also have my great-great grandma had 3 children out of wedlock and married the father just before he went to off to the First World War! We guess he was the father as his surname is the family name - though birth certificate all have her maiden name - it’s all a bit odd! But it’s not something I’ve discussed with older family members - if the others wanted they can look at the tree created but wander how many would do the maths!!

gogohm · 13/12/2021 15:04

We discovered that one of my great aunts had a different father and my great grandmother wasn't married, the scandalGrin. My grandparents had already passed away so we don't know if they knew but we found it hilarious for some reason.

StillWeRise · 13/12/2021 15:05

I think this was probably very common, remember there was no contraception to speak of

FoxgloveSummers · 13/12/2021 15:05

Assuming your cousin was born in the 40s or 50s or later do you think s/he will care about their grandparents' marital status? Can't picture anyone I know of that age caring.

I guess it depends how hurt you think your aunt would be - you could feel this out with her? Say you're researching your family history and could she tell you when and where her parents got married?

(Although sorry to say she may not be around by the time your book comes out since you haven't written it yet - I'm assuming a couple of years to write and publish.)

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