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Ethical dilemmas

What would you do?

28 replies

RuthW · 21/03/2021 11:17

I've name changed for this post.

I'm 52. I've been with my partner 7 years. I have been divorced many years. We live in our own houses, 5 mins apart. That suits us. We have no plans to move in together. I work full time. He is 60 and is now retired but hasn't worked for about 15 years due to poor mental heath.

He has a very good pension. I have a adequate pension but I will never be rich. I have one adult child. He has three estranged children and three grandchildren. It is the children's choice they don't see him.

My dilemma is that a I am highly likely to outlive him. I'm younger and heathy. He's older, male and high bp etc, on lots of meds. If we were married or civil partners I would receive a good part of his pension if he died. At present, I will get nothing.

Should we enter into a civil partnership? We would continue living apart.

OP posts:

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BaronessBomburst · 21/03/2021 11:21

Hardly an ethical dilemma. You're after his money.
Does he want to give it to you?
Or does he want it to go to his children or grandchildren?

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 11:24

Honestly!

Scarby9 · 21/03/2021 11:24

What has he chosen to write into his will?
That is where he wants his assets and pension to go after his death.

LookAtWhatYouCouldHaveWon · 21/03/2021 11:25

Have you spoken to him about this?

Does he know you're only in it for the money?

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 11:26

Does he even want to get married? You're talking as if the whole thing is your sole decision to make.

Notaroadrunner · 21/03/2021 11:36

Have you left your estate to him in your will? As you are both financially independent, live separately, it would be best for you to leave your estates to your children. Even though he is estranged from his, he may well want to leave his money to them or his grandchildren. Can you imagine your own child's dismay if you were to leave a chunk of your estate to your partner and he in turn left it to his kids? And you can bet your life that if he leaves a chunk of his estate to you, his kids will be back to contest - would you want that hassle?

RuthW · 21/03/2021 12:15

For all those asking he wants to get married. His house is already in his will coming to me and my daughter.

OP posts:

RuthW · 21/03/2021 12:16

Also if the pension doesn't come to me it just disappears. It will not go to his children.

OP posts:

boxingdayagain · 21/03/2021 12:18

Ruth, you are only 52. Live your own life, work hard, provide further yourself and make sure you are independently able to enjoy your retirement. Do not rely on this or any other individual to pad out your pension. That's so wrong to be thinking that way.
He equally can make his own mind up via a will what he wants to do with his money when he dies.

BeyondMyWits · 21/03/2021 12:26

I get where you are coming from... slightly... his pension will disappear when he dies. You cannot will it to anyone. If you are married and he dies first, then at least someone gets the benefit.

But it does seem a bit of hard, cold reasoning behind making it official, rather than it being for joyous reasons.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 21/03/2021 12:27

You are fine as you are. Dont get married.

Erkrie · 21/03/2021 12:28

Well if you are staying together anyway and he's leaving it to you in his will, then I would get married to avoid the tax that would otherwise be payable.

Doyoumind · 21/03/2021 12:33

He could live another 30 years. His house could need to be sold to pay for a care home.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 12:37

@Doyoumind

He could live another 30 years. His house could need to be sold to pay for a care home.

Exactly this, particularly if he's in such poor health you're convinced he'll die before you.

RuthW · 21/03/2021 12:38

@Doyoumind

He could live another 30 years. His house could need to be sold to pay for a care home.

The house isn't in question. It comes to me or gets sold to pay for the care home.

It's the pension that disappears after his death we are talking about.

OP posts:

Guardsman18 · 21/03/2021 12:40

Can he name you as a beneficiary on the pension forms?

LockdownIsDragging · 21/03/2021 12:41

Get married if you want to and you will then get pension payments that would otherwise disappear. Think about where your money goes, however, as I assume you want it to go to your daughter but is that fair if he is leaving all his to you? I know the odds are he dies first but that may not be what happens in reality.

WonkyCactus · 21/03/2021 12:42

How do you know that none of the estranged children will contest a will that leaves significant assets like the house to you? It could get very messy.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 12:43

Well, you say he wants to get married. But clearly you don't, so if the pension was taken out of the equation presumably there wouldn't be a dilemma at all, you'd just say no?
So it boils down to will you marry for money or not. Up to you.

Doyoumind · 21/03/2021 12:43

Well if you want his pension, get married. Don't rely on it though as it may never come to you. That's all.

mumulala · 22/03/2021 00:26

Hmm I take a less romantic view of marriage. It's a legally binding contract, if it were just for the romance you could do some kind of made up ceremony to show how much you love each other, not one that confers rights and responsibilities (mostly financial).
I think you should talk frankly to your partner, it would be wrong to pretend to get married "for love" if you were doing it for security- not doubting your love at all. He clearly wants to give you security (the will), why would he not want to maximise that? Doesn't seem like there's anything to lose.
A bit disappointed that you have been accused of being in it for the money. If more people had honest up front conversations about money and security there would hopefully be fewer people left with nothing because they put feelings first and unfortunately got taken advantage of

MiddlesexGirl · 22/03/2021 00:35

Can he not just nominate you as his beneficiary?

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NiceGerbil · 22/03/2021 00:48

??!!

Do you want to marry him or not?

You don't speak about him very fondly.

He has a lot of medical issues- would you care for him as he gets older/ iller?

How will you feel if you marry and he lives to 100?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 00:54

I'm assuming you've discussed this. If he's happy to marry yeep the status quo, fair enough, no one's business but yours bit of go to a registry office with two people you trust and keep it private.

What happens if you die first once you're married?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 00:55

@WonkyCactus

How do you know that none of the estranged children will contest a will that leaves significant assets like the house to you? It could get very messy.

That was my thought. If they feel he's done badly by them in their lives they make see the inheritance and recompense

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