How to introduce DD to older half sibling

[Betty298]

This is a long one with a back story, so thanks in advance if you stay with me! I share a DD (aged 5) with my exH, who I split up with this year.

At the beginning of our relationship, exH told me that his previous partner had been pregnant with what he thought was his baby, only to tell him after the birth that baby was not his and cut all contact.

Two years later and a week before my DD’s due date, my ExH receives a message from his previous partner apologising and offering him the opportunity to be in her son’s life. I didn’t discourage this and said it was the right thing to do, but ExH said it was not the right time with my due date around the corner.

Months and years go by, ExH (who I am learning has problems with alcohol) keeps drinking and crying about his son and how he is a failure. I encourage him to make contact and he does nothing. Sick of this, I made contact with ExHs previous partner myself when DD was around two years old and arranged to meet her.

We met and she is lovely, she brought her DS and there is no question looking at him that he is ExH’s. Previous partner also stated she is happy to have a DNA test carried out, if that’s what it takes. I promised to speak to ExH and try and sort it out, it is our shared belief that the children are better off knowing one another.

I tell ExH about our meeting and he is initially grateful. He then says he can’t go through with it and I’m unable to talk him around, I end up apologising to his previous partner and staying in contact going on to meet her again a few more times. ExH’s pity parties magically stop and he doesn’t mention his son to me again.

Fast forward to now, three years after I initially met ExH’s previous partner. I broke things off with ExH earlier this year after realising he is a selfish shit who will never change, and that he has completely destroyed my self esteem and mental health.

I am going to message the previous partner to let her know ExH and I are no longer together and to suggest she either attempt to contact him directly or stay in contact with me and together we can slowly introduce the children. We had both agreed we felt it was important that they knew each other as they are a boy and girl, aged a few years apart and living less than 20 minutes away from each other. It would be very easy for them to come across each other in later life.

What is keeping me awake tonight is thinking about how to properly introduce them, and how to explain that they share the same dad, but one sees him and the other does not. Especially as ExH does not want to be involved with previous partner’s son. I’m worried about causing two blameless children confusion and resentment. This is something the boys mum and I will of course consider together, however I am hoping for a bit of advice and wisdom so I can start the conversation feeling a little less daunted.

[ARoseDowntown]

YOU would not be causing the confusion and resentment. The incompetent and immature father of both of these children is doing that.

That should be a core understanding in how you approach this.

It’s important that the children know they are related, for the reason you give.

Your DD, at 5, cannot be expected to understand or manage anything to do with her DF’s absence from her half-sibling’s life/presence in hers.

The half-brother’s Mum is best placed to know how to handle her son’s emotions and responses to the situation. In your shoes, I would be as supportive as possible, taking her lead. Her situation is more difficult than hours.

It’s not imperative that the children have a relationship (eg if it’s too difficult for the half-brother), nor that they have a relationship that starts now. It may build over time - or not. The main thing is that they know they’re related, and kept safe and stable within that knowledge.

[Katgolde]

Could you say that your ex had a DS but don't use the word 'brother'? This way you've given the necessary information and the biological relationship will be clear later on?

[RedBetty]

What a lovely thing to do for your daughter. None of it is ideal but however you introduce them, it could be something both of them appreciate in their futures. You are a lovely mum, your daughter is very lucky.