DD has told me and I'm not sure what to do next.

[happytodayhappytomorrow]

Dd's friend (let's call her Abbie) has been unhappy for a while. DD first mentioned it to me about 3 months ago. Abbie doesn't know why she's unhappy; she recognises that she has quite a charmed life (in as much as she lives in a beautiful house, holidays in top class places, travels in a new car, wears new clothes etc. )

At school last week, DD saw that Abbie had been self harming. DD is speaking to Abbie, asking if she can help in any way, suggesting that Abbie seeks help from school or her parents etc but Abbie wants DD to stop worrying and forget about what she's seen.
DD has looked on line for advice for helping Abbie and the NHS says to be there for her, suggest she seeks help, and to not try and tell her to stop or to get a grip etc.
DD has now told me and I have promised her that together we will work out what to do and that I will not do anything behind DD's back. DD understands that any confidentially is only ok up to a point and that is why she has told me; she said that she would never forgive herself if she did as Abbie had asked and then the self harm progressed to something worse.

Half term has just started for DD's school so Abbie is now at home with her parents (or her mum at least. Dad works away sometimes) . DD is in touch with her regularly on social media etc and the girls have quite a close friendship. I really like Abbie and I think she likes me and would trust me.

What do we do?

Hmm a friend of dd's told the Head of Year. The Head of Year phoned me, the mother.

Please don’t tell the parents, the parents could be the cause, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. It could also be a lot more serious than you think. As per your plan, call the school.

And don’t put this down to just a cry for attention, because it could be something else is behind this.

When you email the school you need to make it clear they can’t make it seem like you or your daughter were involved. Because that would close off a friendship for this girl.

As someone who self harmed as a child, I would very strongly advise you not to tell her mum. What an awful thought.

Speak to the school, so they can talk to her first.

School safeguarding lead. They will be monitoring emails over half-term. They sometimes have much better and quicker options in terms of linking children to help. If nothing else, it helps document what is happening.

Not a dig at you, but I hate the phrase "a charmed life". It's so judgemental, and no child has a choice in it anyway. Kids need friends, family, love, attention, protection. Lack those and there's nothing "charmed" about your life. Wealth won't prevent pain, it will just make the child feel more guilty and confused.

Seems you're doing the right thing OP, good luck.

I'm sorry but I'm the parent of a young person who self harmed.
At 12 the school called me and I put in place therapy and took advice and all was well for a few years.
At 15 she disclosed to GP ..... who guess what phoned me to request a double apt with dd.
CAMHS didn't give two hoots. I organised the psychiatrist, the therapy, the diagnosis, the on-going support AND guess what, as the mother I provide on-going support. It's what mothers do.

Advice for all on this thread. Stop parent blaming - it's unspeakable for any parent who is a loving mother. CAMHS had a go at it. My dd had undiagnosed ADHD. I, her mother, supported her to get well. Not the NHS. Not School. Not Chums.

And, if I may add op, my dd lead and leads a charmed life. Two happy secure parents, best schools, beautiful homes, everything she needs (and she has never been materialistic). Wealthy, loved children can have mh problems and undiagnosed neuro developmental disabilities you know - they aren't the preserve of the poor or the maltreated.

@ohtheroses my mum sneered at me about how I thought it was clever and generally made me feel a million times worse. You have no idea about this girls parents.

And thanks, but I reserve the right to blame my parent for how she treated me.

Good for your daughter. Has no relevance here at all.

I am sorry you had a difficult relationship with your mother OutingMyself and I hope you are recovered and in a better place now. However not all mothers behave as your did and I reserve the right to believe most mothers will have a higher regard for their children than the average teacher, Dr or CAMHS worker.

No, not at all. It has affected my whole life, I'm not happy or recovered in the slightest. There are very, very few options for people without money to get any meaningful help with mental health problems in this country.

My point is that you know nothing about this girl's situation. It would be really fucking stupid to roll in guns blazing and tell her parents. This is something that could affect her whole life too. That's not something worth risking because you chose to believe all parents are great.

I am sorry you have had a tough time OutingMyself. I agree that MH care and support in this country, esp for young people, is wholly inadequate.

However whilst I wasn't the first person dd told on three separate occasions, on each occasion the professional she told, then told me. Therefore I am not convinced it would be wrong for the op to tell the mother as even the professionals she refers the issue to will tell the mother in any event.

@OhTheRoses

I am sorry you have had a tough time OutingMyself. I agree that MH care and support in this country, esp for young people, is wholly inadequate.

However whilst I wasn't the first person dd told on three separate occasions, on each occasion the professional she told, then told me. Therefore I am not convinced it would be wrong for the op to tell the mother as even the professionals she refers the issue to will tell the mother in any event.

There are some limited situations where it might be wrong to inform parents right away. Nobody knows if this is one of them. The professionals are trained to make that call, the OP is not.

Obviously the majority of parents would, like you, be supportive, non abusive and able to access services

Do not underestimate the pressure this puts your dd under and keep very close tabs on it. Ds was supporting a friend who was self-harming, we had to put strict boundaries around it or he would have been up until ridiculous times most nights talking to them in social media. He would be in tears when I would ask him to finish the chat as it was just too late because he was scared of what they said they would do. It felt very manipulative at times and he wasn't equipped to deal with it.

The sooner a professional makes contact with them and their parents the better.