DD has told me and I'm not sure what to do next.

[happytodayhappytomorrow]

Dd's friend (let's call her Abbie) has been unhappy for a while. DD first mentioned it to me about 3 months ago. Abbie doesn't know why she's unhappy; she recognises that she has quite a charmed life (in as much as she lives in a beautiful house, holidays in top class places, travels in a new car, wears new clothes etc. )

At school last week, DD saw that Abbie had been self harming. DD is speaking to Abbie, asking if she can help in any way, suggesting that Abbie seeks help from school or her parents etc but Abbie wants DD to stop worrying and forget about what she's seen.
DD has looked on line for advice for helping Abbie and the NHS says to be there for her, suggest she seeks help, and to not try and tell her to stop or to get a grip etc.
DD has now told me and I have promised her that together we will work out what to do and that I will not do anything behind DD's back. DD understands that any confidentially is only ok up to a point and that is why she has told me; she said that she would never forgive herself if she did as Abbie had asked and then the self harm progressed to something worse.

Half term has just started for DD's school so Abbie is now at home with her parents (or her mum at least. Dad works away sometimes) . DD is in touch with her regularly on social media etc and the girls have quite a close friendship. I really like Abbie and I think she likes me and would trust me.

What do we do?

You tell the school
Right away

What GalOopNorth said.

Give her mum a call when Abbie is out with your DD.

It's half term, she wont be at school.

I'd tell her mother.

And if the mother is part of the reasons she is self-harming? How’s that going to go?

Don't ring her Mum, she could be the reason she is self harming.

You contact the safeguarding lead at the school. Even though it is half term they should still be monitoring their emails. I know I emailed on a Saturday night about a suicide threat from a child and it was responded to immediately.

The details should be on their website. We are given a whole list of emails on who to contact about what and how.

I think it is great that your DD turned to you to help out.

Unless you have reasons to believe that she is escalating in this week, you wait till school restarts and tell them.
Do NOT tell her parents, you don't know if there's something wrong at home you don't know about, the school is more likely to know this. You don't risk putting her in danger even if you think her parents are lovely. The school can also support her on an individual level.

You continue to support your daughter, to keep lines of communication open, to support her supporting her friend but also stepping in on her behalf if she's getting overwhelmed (offering to ban her from electronics during certain times, so she can have a break and blame you).

It sounds as though you're thinking of contacting the girl yourself.

Do NOT do that.

Contact the school, then have no more to do with it.

It's ridiculously easy to escalate what could be a normal, growing up, teenage phase, into a drama laden issue.

Don't play the rescuer.

Has your daughter not advised her friend to discuss her worries with her parents, or her Mother at least. Surely it has been noticed by family or school, that the friend is unhappy and has some problems to deal with.

Contact the school nurse.

Contact school safeguarding lead.

Is she at risk of causing herself serious harm over half term?

If yes then you need to act now, if you felt the Girl was going to act on suicidal intentions for example then it would be the local crisis team.

However, if no then when school starts again you need to talk to them and share the information you have so that they can support her.

PLEASE DONT TELL HER MOTHER.
I self harmed for years mainly due to my relationship with my mother. When she found out after a couple of years it was almost more than I could bear.
Please be reassured that it’s actually quite rare for self harm to progress to suicide.
Your DD sounds like a great friend. All that’s required is for your DD to listen and for you to listen to your DD. Please don’t try to intervene.

Tell the school's safeguarding officer. Not the nurse. Don't contact the girl or her family. Don't be blagged into joining in with her secret. The adult thing to do is to tell. The right time to tell is immediately. Show your dd the thread. We can't keep things like this secret.

There will be someone in school. Try tomorrow.

Tell the school right away.

Tell your DD that she can't fix Abbies problem and neither can you. Abbie needs professional help and the responsible, caring thing is to raise the alarm and make sure she gets it.

I agree, you tell the school OP. Do not be tempted to get involved with this kids issues.

Tell the school. Send an email to the [email protected] email address of the school and explain it is one of your daughters friends is in difficulty/ having problems (not life threading but serious) and can the and can the designated safeguarding lead email back to confirm all the details as you don,t Want to send them to an unsecured email address or they can phone you. Send it now they might respond.

Everyone on here, above my comment is well meaning - but we’re not experts.

Call childline, or similar, and ask their advice.

Head of year, head of pastoral care or safeguarding lead.

You should tell your DD that while you would not go behind her back to do it, as the adult here, need to let the school know. Even if it is not what your DD would like.

Then let the school know.

Then tell your dd that the school will deal appropriately and she is not to get involved.

Don't you get yourself involved either.

@Sunnydayhere

Everyone on here, above my comment is well meaning - but we’re not experts.

Call childline, or similar, and ask their advice.

er, that is why you tell the safeguarding team at school, becuase then they will know what to do and how to do it!

I suggested childline etc because I know that emails may not be looked at over the half term.

Some schools will be locked up over the half term, not all teachers look/answer stuff over holidays. Some may have out of office responses .

Thank you all very much for the replies. You're right, I was thinking of asking Abbie if she wanted to talk to me but I do now understand that would NOT be a good idea.

School e mail's will be monitored I'm sure.

I will contact the safe guarding team and support DD while she supports Abbie.

I do not think that this self harming will escalate into suicide. I have my own non professional thoughts about why it is happening based on knowing the family background and life style; my gut feeling tells me that it is a cry for attention and love but it is merely that - a gut feeling. Hopefully the professionals can get Abbie the help and support that she needs and deserves.

It's possible school are even aware of it, isn't it?

My son was self harming when he was 13. A mum I didn’t really phoned me & asked to meet.
Her daughter had told her my son had been self harming.
I was glad she told me. We were able to get him the help he needed & support him.

I am always thankful that I was told.