Was it abuse ?

[Givemeanidea]

Hi I’m sorry if this is not an acceptable thing to ask on mumsnet but I really need some perspective and I don’t think I am ready to disclose to anybody in real life.

I am in my early 30s and my brother is 3 years older than me. When we were younger I vividly remember strange things happening to me but I cannot remember what age I was, I have a feeling I was around 8 possibly younger ?

He would talk to me about sexual things I remember not knowing anything about sex and him talking to me about it he would show me his penis and ask me to touch it , I remember him masturbating infront of me and asking me to show him my vagina and he put his fingers inside me. I am really sorry if this is too much information for this site.

I recall 3 instances of this and no more or nothing more “severe” I suppose my question is is this normal sibling curiosity ? Or was I actually abused. I am really struggling with this as I remember him not being forceful it was almost like he didn’t know what he was doing and he was being curious, I was never scared but I was definitely confused.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting in lockdown and I believe I have some issues relating to sex I have been very promiscuous in the past and I am wondering if this has had an impact.

We haven’t been close as adults and I always wonder if he remembers and that’s why he keeps his distance . Any thoughts would be great thank you.

I hope someone sees this and it took so much for me to write it

What an awful thing to have dealt with for all these years . I didn’t want to read and run, reading your post really hit home. I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you. It was abuse, and it makes me wonder what happened to your brother that he would do that to you at a young age. Is there someone you would be able to talk to about it? A friend?x

Thanks both - I feel like I am ready to tell my partner but I needed to gather thoughts. Half of me thinks it was wrong and it was abuse as if someone else told me I would say yes that’s abuse.

The other half of me thinks he was just a curious child himself it’s really difficult , it’s something that keeps coming back to haunt me and I think I’ve for so long just brushed it off but I won’t to confront it now.

I’ve tried to read other experiences and what I alway see is threats and violence but that was never the case for me so I’m so confused

If it is troubling you, it's really good that you feel ready to tackle it. If you are able to talk to your partner, then maybe you could consider a professional therapist once you feel ready? I think when you've been through something traumatic, your brain does try to justify it - for example by saying he want violent. You were vulnerable and he was older, but also a child himself. I hope you find peace from talking about it and moving forward x

Yes it was abuse. It happens so much in families where the parents either don't have the ability to monitor the kids constantly, or where this kind of abuse is modeled as normal. My last husband used to tell me that he touched his sisters when they were all kids, and he felt horrible about it. He had grown up to realize that it was wrong, and had approached them to express his regret. I think kids are innocent, and it is lack of adequate supervision that is to blame, but you are a victim of sexual abuse, and you need to work through those emotions. I suggest feeling it all the way out, meaning express whatever is there, in a safe place, in a safe way, and don't stop expressing until it's all out.

It sounds like it was innocent children's curiosity to me. Please don't beat yourself or your brother up. As you say you were both children. Put a lid on it and live your best life, forget the guilt and enjoy your life as god knows we need it after all this. 🙏🙏

This sounds to me like abuse, yes. I'm so sorry it happened to you OP.

There is a possibility your brother was molested too which facilitated his abuse of you - although this is not always the case. I have a friend who was raped by a man who was supposed to be babysitting her, and she responded by sexually touching her younger sister. Do you think this is a possibility for your brother?

You need to see someone who specialises in therapy for child sexual abuse to help you make sense of what happened to you and to help you move forward with your life. This may or may not involve confronting or prosecuting your brother for what he did to you. Wishing you the very best in your search for some peace of mind. x

You beat me to this! Yes I agree with that statement too.

Your brother maybe feels horrified with himself and very awkward. Because at that age, he will remember it happened. It's natural for children to be curious and maybe he wanted to explore with someone he knew, be it right or wrong. I am in no way saying it was right, don't get me wrong there. I do think it's a childhood thing, rather than 'abuse' as such. Unless it's impacting your life right now, go and live your best life and put it to the back of your mind. 💐