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Ethical dilemmas

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Original poster

Fallen out with neighbours

23 replies

Mumtoaliens · 01/10/2019 22:32

Our neighbours are having a load of work done. They’ve not been there for weeks. They rock up at 19:30 last week and start doing bits and bobs. Bit of noise but ignorable. At 20:40 they start loudly scrapping the walls literally sounds like they are in our house. We have two children who’s at this point and going what is that noise and pretty much petrified. I text saying it’s loud. Get a response ‘oh we’re just stripping the walls, we’ve finished moving furniture’ I text back yeah it’s really loud. No response. Husband is pretty much furious as they have children themselves but they weren’t in the house. He went over as I had no text response. Neighbours response was ‘it’s got to be done. We’ll be going for another half an hour’ at this point my husband has lost his temper and got really angry. Their responses were ‘you’ve had loads of work done’ (we had some work done one Sunday morning. They were supposed to be in holiday and they returned early work started at 9:30 finished at midday). It turned into a proper row.!
Wife speaks to me today saying she is disappointed by my husbands behaviour and that they expect an apology. I know potentially hubby could have stayed slightly calmer than he did. But am I wrong in thinking they should never have been doing the diy at this time of night anyway!?

OP posts:

Gazelda · 01/10/2019 22:40

They should have stopped when you texted to say about the loud noise. I presume your text message was friendly and polite?
But your DH seems to have over reacted. He lost his temper. He got very angry. His behaviour merits an apology. That sounds like an over reaction.
Try being conciliatory. I don't know if their request for an apology is reasonable, but it wouldn't hurt to have a friendly chat to smooth things over. The last thing you want is a neighbourly war.

lj10m75 · 02/10/2019 02:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LoreleiRock · 02/10/2019 02:53

Your children were petrified? Could you not have just reassured them? I think you were unreasonable, I don’t get why you could not have just asked them to be quieter, instead of starting a huge row. Talk about mountain out of a molehill.

Original poster

Mumtoaliens · 02/10/2019 07:04

We did ask them to stop. And they did not. My eldest has anxiety problems anyway and noises like the one being made just make this worse. He was convinced there were things crawling in the walls.

OP posts:

Bourbonbiccy · 02/10/2019 07:18

How old are your children? I can understand your frustration if your son has anxiety issues.

I can also understand them needing to get the work done and it wasn't really late.

I think your husband was way out of line getting aggressive about this, he should learn to deal with things in a different way. As soon as he got angry or aggressive you lost any right to think you were being reasonable. He should apologise and he should explain to the children this is not the way to behave.

LittlefairyMum · 02/10/2019 07:23

You both made the situation X10 worse and upset your own children.

Does your husband usually have anger issues?

CornishCreation · 02/10/2019 07:35

It's only work it's not as if they were having a party until the early hours, and I would assume they don't do it regularly and had stated they'd be half an hour!

I would have just put up with it for one night as they were doing work and they probably ignored your text because they thought you were being pedantic.
Also if you came racing round our house with an aggressive attitude over something so petty, we would have had nothing more to do with you let alone approaching you for an apology.
You sound like awful neighbours, I'm glad you don't live near me.

stucknoue · 02/10/2019 07:42

The problem is that before 10pm or so they are not doing anything wrong, it's just as annoying when you are lying in bed at 8am on a Sunday and your neighbours kids are making loads of noise ... annoying but not anything wrong that you can complain about. I've spent many an evening decorating, if you work when do you suggest doing it, wallpaper stripping isn't that noisy

Original poster

Mumtoaliens · 02/10/2019 08:03

Wow I love the comment where the person says I’ve upset my own children!? Not really sure how I’ve done that.
I understand my husband should have dealt with this in a more gentle way, as I said. My question was, about the time of the diy. And the scrapping was that loud that we were unable to hear the television. And no that is not an exaggeration.

OP posts:

Windygate · 02/10/2019 08:27

The rules and regulations around noisy building works are for paid professionals not DIY by the occupiers.
Neighbours make noise be it the TV, music, noisy children or DIY. They said they'd be finished just after 9pm and that's not unreasonable.
You had tradesmen in working on a Sunday morning which isn't allowed but they didn't complain until your DH had a go at them.

Is it really worth upsetting neighbourly relations over this? An quick apology and a polite request that they stop noisy work by 9pm might be for the best.

doublebarrellednurse · 02/10/2019 08:33

I pretty sure noise before 9pm is considered normal and reasonable for domestic premises. I'm sure many people would up to 10pm.

Sadly one of the joys of living with adjoining walls. It doesn't matter how considerate you may be people work to their own standards.

tenredthings · 02/10/2019 08:41

falling out with neighbours is easily done in the moment but hard to row back on and a bad relationship can make your daily life really crap in the long term. I'd go and see them , make bridges, apologize for his tone with the caveat that they try to reduce noise at those hours when the children are getting ready for bed.

LittlefairyMum · 02/10/2019 15:29

@Mumtoaliens you're not sure how you and your husband upset your children?

Are you serious?!

You caused all this drama. Wound each other up to the point of boiling and kicked the whole thing off.

Surely as a parent with a child with anxiety issues, you should be doing all you can to protect that child....

I feel sorry for your child and your neighbors.

Talk about blowing something out of all proportion 🙄

TheCanterburyWhales · 02/10/2019 15:35

Well, you've done work before on Sunday mornings so it's all a bit pots and kettles really

And you have two children. Trust me, they have (and probably do on a regular basis) made far more noise than somebody scraping a wall.
The texting was passive aggressive and your husband was aggressive full stop.

Pinkyyy · 02/10/2019 15:36

Was half an hour really that long to wait? You could have avoided all this if you'd have waited.

Passthecherrycoke · 02/10/2019 15:41

I know exactly what that scrapping sounds like and it is a bit weird as it sounds like it’s in your house but not louder than your TV, which you could just turn up. It seems like something and nothing but your husband has been out of order arguing about it. Don’t know why she’s asking you to get him to apologies though, that’s out of order

Natashabobasha1 · 11/06/2020 01:08

I'd think about the type of relationship you want to have in the future...

If it's positive and fun: drop some potted plants and wine at their door with a note saying sorry. Or better yet: hand it to them and DH apologizes.

10pm isn't late. Especially if it's only once in a blue moon.

I would have given them the extra half hour to finish it up...

But I know that very young children needing to sleep would be bad...but you said you were watching television...so...really...I would have played a board game with kiddos or gone out for a quick walk if things were that loud.

We all need to give eachother grace and space.

Sioux64 · 14/07/2020 20:33

I feel bad that i over reacted with a neighbour. Im living with my elderly dad, he's known the neighbour ages.
Generally, she's really nice etc, also elderly.
I've been through a lot of stress and the other day, she , what i felt was, told me off, for not telling her i was going out, i purposefully did it, as i thought, why should i have too.
Anyway, when i got back, my dad was tired as he'd ended up helping her with his garden.
I was relieved and thought, good, ive done nothing wrong.
However the next day she called me, and said why hadnt i told her i was going out??
This made me angry, i saw her at yhe front the next day, and we chatted, she said she wished she hadnt done it.
However, came in, again, and did it all over again!!
I was rather loud, as my dads deaf and told him what had happened, he said she shouldn't have said what she did.
Now, im worried shes heard it, as the back door was open!
I dont want there to be any repercussions, just want to forget it.
But, i suffer from anxirty and stress and im finding it really hard to forget it.
I've been through so much in my life already, and, don't need this!
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you.

Sioux64 · 14/07/2020 20:35

Hello, if anyone can help I'd be grateful.
Thanks.

fishonabicycle · 19/07/2020 19:14

If something occurs once, you should just put up with it. They were working on their house. It wasn't very late. You were unreasonable.

Sioux64 · 19/07/2020 20:28

But it wasn't THEIR house!! It was mine!!

Sioux64 · 19/07/2020 20:29

Ahd, it happens all the time!!

heartpyjamas · 19/07/2020 20:35

@Sioux64

Ahd, it happens all the time!!

@Sioux64 you need to start your own about this really as people are responding to the OP and it gets confusing.

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